I have no reason to lie. I’m not a liar…never been good at it. I’m a good man. Everyone I’ve met I’ve helped and loved but I’ve been treated really really badly all my life. I’m 53 and from the moment I was born and my physically and psychologically violent father trashed me, to sexual abuse from another family member, to cancer at 17yrs old, to 3 near death experiences, to disability, to 8 abusive relationships (that totally broke me), to 3 suicide attempts, self harm and the list is actually over 50 separate life changing events I can no longer live. I’m broken now…I know that. After all these abusive relationships I made a decision last October never to have a relationship again, never let my heart open again. I met someone just b4 Xmas and after my mum died and helped my struggling father. I made the fatal mistake of letting him into my heart, I believed in him and I loved him more than he’ll ever know…but I’m not good enough, I’m a 2nd class citizen and only good to be manipulated and mistreated and lied to. He said all the right things like players do and then withdrew it all slowly but surely. The chase for him was over and he was going to lie and deceive to worm his way out. I treated him like royalty cuz I thought the world of him but it’s dead. I meant every word I said to him, I never lied to him. But I could start to see warning signs. I did nothing wrong, my crime was to love him. I’m heartbroken. I told him he was the last person I’ll open my heart to and I meant that. He’s gone now. I think he was a player and I got done yet again. Trust no one. I should never have trusted or believed in the people I loved, I knew they’d just hurt me.
I went to visit my dad the other day and help him as I usually do and he brandished a leather belt like he used to do when I was a kid when he’d belt me and simply loose all control like he was going to kill me and I’d urinate everywhere (nothing like humiliation along with violence). He thought brandishing the leather belt like that the other day was funny. My life flashed before my eyes
It’s time to go. I know how to do this as I’ve been there before so I have the courage and I have the method. I’m done. I have most of the ingredients I need but next weekend I pick up the rest and then I’m ready to go. Next weekend is the time.
To all of you that believed in me, you were right to do so. As someone who helped cancer survivors, people with disabilities and the homeless I know I’m a good man but that doesn’t matter now. To anyone who didn’t believe me, sorry, but you were wrong.
I leave my kids who know that their father is broken by people he has met. They will understand why I am doing this. I leave my kids but I’ll be with mum again…that’s something to look forward to.
I wish you all the best. I imagine most of you don’t deserve to feel like this. Even though I’m 53 it has only struck me now how terrible people can be to each other. It’s why I’ve never felt like I fit in. But I’m not going to keep going…for what? To be treated badly by someone else? To endure that which no one should endure? Nah, It’s time.
Goodbye and goodluck, sincerely, my love goes with you.
I make a plea to everyone reading this. Please treat people how you would like to be treated, It’s not hard.
What a terrible life this has been for me. It’s time to go.
5 comments
How little I needed and how much I gave.
I know my method of suicide. What I want more than anything now is for this attempt to succeed. To all of those people who came into my life with evil intent…I hope you rot. Why I helped you and loved you is beyond my understanding but my kids will loose their father because of you. Kevin, you just hammered the last nail…what has happened is the last thing I needed. I would stand by you but you were just drifting off as though I never meant anything…it was all a lie. The chase was over for you and that’s when you decided to move onto your next victim. You have ruined my life but then that’s what you intended to do.
For the record it was not me that was evil, I have good intents, it was you guys that came into my life with evil intent and i was just a sitting duck.
I have one week to live.
Please people, please learn to treat people like you would like to be treated. For me how I’ve been treated will result in my death.
Be good, its not hard.
i don’t know how you planning to pull it off, but the best way to do it, the one i’ll use soon too, is ******** inhalation – 100% certain, happens in 15 sec and no pain or anxiety whatsoever
I agree you seem like a sweet man we need more people like you I’m not going to tell you don’t do it I’m going to kill myself too I hate my life
Don’t do it 🙁 you deserve more.. T_T Don’t go yet… live another epic day… It might be hurts so much, but it will be fine one day. It will pass too.. Your moment of despair will pass too. Have a moment of courage, clear your mind from those filthy men that had hurt you. They don’t deserve your love and you don’t deserve any tears from them. You are fearfully wonderfully made. Get another chance, live again, breathe again, feel again, help again, be awesome as you did again. I need a kind people in this world like you. <3