Hi

I’m new here, I was searching around to find answers and I found this website

read some of the posts and I’m glad I found this. you can call me kei uses this name for a lot of games.

 I just wanna share what i thought, What I feel. I don’t know how to start but I guess I’ll start with I feel sad about everything in my life I feel so useless, I failed so much ,I don’t know where and how to catch up, I feel like it was a mistake that I exist in this universe, I don’t want anyone to be near me I rather be alone, I used to love to draw, sports, I love school but not anymore, I don’t care about everything but I do care but I try not to. I started to feel like this since I was young maybe 9-10 years old. My family is too strict you know kids that age should be out and playing with other kids but nope I stay home they won’t let me, I live with my grandparents they won’t let any kids to visit me either, they said my father died but he didn’t they lied, my mom got a second family but eventually my mother and my half brother moved in to my grandparents house which made me happy yet my half-brother died when i was 12 he was 8, here I am again being alone, I cry every night silently. I started to maybe you can call that ”rebel” when I was 13, I tried sneaking out, smoking, drinking and getting drunk and fell inlove I hid that relationship for 2 years got caught up we broke up. They send me to a rehab when I was 15 for being ”hyper” ”behavioral problem” I wanted to go out so much cause I want to go to school but no. when I got home I lost interest in everything, I don’t care anymore.

Let me jump away from that dark story. Actually I’m 21 now, I regretted everything cause they told me all was my fault, I agreed it’s all my fault from the start, I regretted so much I can’t forgive myself, I just wanna die, Everything is so boring to me, I can’t explain it but feels like it’s useless now, I just wanna be away from everyone and everything, Sometimes i think suicide, I wish someone would kill me, or jump off the roof, hang myself?, or just maybe cut myself, or choke myself or let myself drown. I hate myself. I hate my family but I love them, I love them so much that I can’t even look at them. I still cry every night, I wish there’s a power that can make them forget me that i didn’t exist.

Sorry if it’s too long, I got so many things to say but I think it’s enough for now.