Well, if anyone cares, here it is:
When I was in 5th grade (age 10), my father was deployed to Afghanistan for 6 months. During these 6 months, my mother drank every night. Because she didn’t take care of me or my siblings, I attempted to take care of them to the best of my ability. Needless to say, I failed miserably. We also didn’t go to church at all during these 6 months, because our mother didn’t take us. When my dad got back, I got in trouble for not raising my siblings correctly and not taking them to church (this, in my opinion, was not my fault because I am unable to drive and our church was an hour away).
Things in the family started going downhill since then; Mom and Dad started fighting, my brother and sister told me to kill myself repeatedly, and I started harming myself. I’m not proud. I screwed over my family and left them to deal with it while I pitied myself. I was an attention whore, trying to get people to notice me (not by talking about self-harm).
Every one hated me my 7th grade year. My family was held together by a few strings. My friends all left me. My family realized I am a disappointment.
My 8th grade year, I fell apart and started cutting. I contemplated killing myself on a daily basis. I tried repeatedly to run away, but was too much of a coward to follow through with it. Another year of intense self-pity for me.
My freshman year of high school, my mom left for eight months. Dad found out that I had cut myself a few weeks after I had first tried to stop. I got pretty close to him for a while. He was the only reason I didn’t kill myself for a long time. I now realize that my dad is still incredibly disappointed in me.
Years went by, things fluctuated between getting better and getting worse, and here I am now. I don’t really know what to do. I am screwing everything up, and have been my whole life, as you can see. I heard the best advice I have ever heard my whole life in a song today:
“It’s not about forcing happiness; It’s about not letting the sadness win.” -“Local Man Ruins Everything” by The Wonder Years
6 comments
Just stay alive.
I think you are a brave person, to survive all those years. You wise now,more than your family members, so find a solution to make them make again by first making your self happy.
When I was growing up, my parents separated but never divorced. I was very close to my mother and not so with my dad. I was tossed around like a rag-roll from one parent to another and always wanted to live with my mum. My mother was unstable and didn’t want me anymore and had no other choice but to live with my dad. My older brother was always my dads favourite which made me feel unloved. Unfortunately, my parents are no longer around which made me more independent not to rely on others. I’ve learnt, we have to help our selves first before anybody else can on this planet earth.
I was raised in similar circumstances. I am not sure i ever really recovered. I have had good moments but seem to screw up a lot. I had to bear so much so young maybe i never recovered. Im sorry you have come through similar circumstances. The end of your post… theres some depth there… i need to think more on that.
Hey AKWAN, that’s really messed up. It really bothers me when kids are robbed of their childhood and forced to act like adults. 5th graders are supposed to be taken care OF, not caring for an entire household.
Well just bear in mind, as long as you didn’t let anyone die, you did a pretty awesome job of holding down the fort. At the very least, your parents should’ve told you that. And if they didn’t, then I’m telling you. And maybe you can tell yourself once in a while.
You didn’t screw anything up. It’s just that the people around you planted ridiculously high expectations in your head, and it sounds like those expectations are still with you. Try to cut yourself a break. Even if no one else will.
Well, thank you for your thoughts. I can’t help but think I fucked up big time though. There are kids younger than me that did a much better job at raising their siblings than I did. I was stupid and tried to hold on to my childhood while doing it, and it only screwed everything up worse for me. Thank you.
I so hope you can re-connect with the childhood you were robbed of. Even if you’re 80 years old, I hope you find it again because you deserve it. I still think by keeping the family alive and out of jail you did a better job than many adults 3x that age. But I also know the phenomenon of not living up to your own standards… that’s a tough hell to break out of. Well, even if you did fuck up… you can always tell yourself “beginning tomorrow, no more fuckups” lol. Sometimes that’s the only thing that gets me thru the night. Stay strong \m/