I was born with bad health and I’ve gone to doctors all my life, but they refuse to help me for long. All of the health conditions I have conflict with each other too much. My main are Interstitial Cystitis, Shy Bladder Syndrome, Type 1 Diabetes, Gastrointestinal, Heart condition (my main blood artery was blocked so I didn’t get the proper blood flow)… I’m in excruciating pain and it’s gotten worse in the last 3 years. I finally managed to get pain killers, but on March of this year this clinic has been fighting me. 3 times I was forced to go cold turkey and the E.R. didn’t even help or care. Some of the doctors told me their resources are not meant to be wasted on someone like me, to go home and suffer or die! I live in a small town in the mountains and the closest places is hours away and with my shy bladder and excruciating pain I can not get there!
I’ve been suicidal for awhile and having a hard time finding means to do it. I have no place to hang myself nor how to tie a noose properly. My father has a rifle but it is locked down and I can’t reach the trigger when I put it to my chest, head or in my mouth. I have no pills that will work, my body has a strange tolerance, which is why I require high doses of potent painkillers to dull my pain. I do have some razor blades, but they aren’t the durable kind, got them from a plastic shaving razor.
I’m malnourished because my diet conflicts with my health conditions. I have the most severe case of Interstitial Cystitis and Type 1 Diabetes, insulin doesn’t work very well, in which my bladder is full, but the lining of my bladder is damaged so it hurts the more my bladder fills and is emptied. And since I have shy bladder syndrome I can’t always empty, in which the waste product festors causing me more pain! Most doctors and medical people are told to ignore the condition, telling patients the pain is all in their heads! Because there is no cure, treatment and require potent pain meds doctors refuse to treat people with this!
My parents and family are paranoid and religious people. I have been kept inside the home all of my life, homeschooled and terrified of the outside world! I have no friends, no contacts and no means to escape! When I turned 18 they lightened up, but I was already so afraid I refuse to go out and now that my pain is worse I can’t stand being out of the house. I have mental barriers that prevent me from doing what normal people do. It makes no sense or logic, but when I step out of the house I get so afraid I become physically ill! Migraines, stomach sickness, muscle pains, vomiting, pale skin, shivers, my body does cold…
I have been searching for a way to function and live my life since I was 10 years old! I’m 27 and I can’t take it anymore! No one cares, no one comforts me, no one understands me, I’m secretly part of the LGBT community, my family is very hateful and judgmental to people like me so I’m afraid to reveal who I really am.
All I’ve ever wanted was to live my life the way I want and have someone who loves and accepts me for who I am. But I’m getting older, weaker, more ill and not able to handle both the physical and mental pain! I suffer every day, not able to do anything or enjoy anything and afraid of everyone and everything because of what pain and harm it will bring! I just want to die, unless someone is willing accept and help me get through this life.
Am I just an insignificant person? Like an ant? No one has ever cared about me, not once! My family pretends I don’t exist and when I cry or am in pain they avoid me! I have nothing, no one and am nothing… I should just die and stop bothering people. I’ve made so many posts like this over the past 20 years and no one has wanted to help me. I should just get it over with. I’ll use the razors, get out of the world’s hair… I’m just a pathetic excuse for a human…I’m sorry I bothered you all…
14 comments
I understand where you are coming from. My life story is similar to yous and I am sick of going on myself. I hope you find peace somehow.
Sorry to hear another one like me is suffering! And if there is a god he just sits up in his kingdom while we all suffer. So much for benevolence! It’s completely and utter bull shit religion. It just makes people feel good or justify certain actions. If god or gods do exist I wish I could kill them, take their power and recreate everything, turn it into a paradise for all of humanity, save lives god gave up on and sent to hell because they disagreed or had an opinion of their own!
sorry to hear this story. we can talk. im also was ashamed of hiding myself and being in the lgbt community. you have a lot of health issues on your plate. how does that affect your day to day life? did you go to college?
I have no life and with my paranoid religious freak parents I was never allowed out of the house. They homeschooled me and told me how terrible the world was to keep me from going out. yet when I turned 18 they lightened up on their control, but by then the damage was done. I get mentally and physically sick when I go out of the house! I turn into a cry baby freak and just want to go back home and huddle in the corner… I’m a pathetic freak, why was I born? Why couldn’t I have been aborted! Damn it! I can’t stand this pain anymore! I just want to die! And pain killers only deal with physical pain, what about the pain in my mind? The pain of never having friends or someone who loves me? How do I reach out to others when I’m trapped? The internet isn’t as useful as it seems. I tried making online friends but no one can handle my shitting non-existent life. They call me a freak or tell me to off myself. How is the world so cruel? I hate this world, I just want out of it!
Hey, cheer up. Are you man/woman? From what I see you sound very strong.
I personally never trust doctors because they are mostly fake. I’ve had a couple of bad experiences with them. Most of them do not help at all. So I always avoid doctors as much as possible. I am sorry you have to go through most your life being dependant upon them.
Keep posting, I hope you can make it through.
I have a female body, but I’m neither man or women inside. I’m an alien trapped in a human body…
Hey,
I’m literally going through the exact same thing right now. Email me at killswitchon88 @ hotmail . com… It’s so fuckin’ intense. I’m around your age too. Like it’s nuts I didn’t see this post earlier. If this is for real then totally shoot me an email.
I e-mailed you!
i answered!
You’re not an insignificant people, but our conditions sure can get us to feel like one. I do know what it is to be tossed away and told “you disease is in your head” (due to conflicting symptoms), and it does get awfully frustrating, because you end up being affected by both your physical pain and the impotence of not being able to do anything. Doctors are just human beings in the end, and many will avoid being put in a situation when they have to admit they have no idea what they are doing because if they lose their credibility, they kinda lose everything (so it’s easier to blame the patient).
That said, you sound like you are really tied up regarding your situation. All i can think of is that you should try to get better doctors, but if that’s not a possibility due to your condition and location… i really don’t know (other than relocating). Another option is looking up for advice on medical forums and read about your conditions online, but i’m pretty sure you’ve already done that. Sorry that i can’t be of much help, kudos for being so strong, and i do hope that you get some relief from your pain at one point or another (in whatever form you decide).
@Mf
I have no ability to relocate or find another doctor. Because I have never worked nor have money I am on Medi-Cal and there are very few doctors associated and specifically prescribe pain meds. I have no friends or people I know who can give me rides. My father constantly works and can not be bothered as we barely can pay for rent every month and my mother has health problems too, she sleeps during the day and up at night (in order for her to see a doctor she doesn’t sleep for over 24 hours to get there during work hours).
I have nothing! Every person I talk to gives up or has no idea what to do. So why should I continue to suffer? I don’t want to die, but what choice do I have? I can not live with this pain. You have no idea how bad it is! I spend my times these months now screaming and moaning in agony. My parents avoid or leave the house, so I have no one to make me feel better. I have nothing to live for! I have no belief system, I hate god (not just for what has happened to me, but all the pointless human suffering), I’d rather go to hell than be in a gods kingdom (whether a god exists or not)… it’s over for me. How can we claim America is the land of freedom and opportunity when so many people suffer? I have to feel well to get to a doctor or travel all over creation to these medical centers, yet if I did feel well I wouldn’t need them? Where the hell are the house call doctors? For people in critical and traumatic conditions? They don’t care. it’s a business! No one cares about helping people. 20 fucking years, dozens upon dozens upon dozens of doctors and not one gave a shit about me! I hate doctors! They aren’t human. All they care about is getting paid and for doing nothing! Hours spent in the waiting room for only 2 minutes of the doctors time. I can’t even get a doctor to sit still enough for me to talk with them. What is the point of all those adds and commercials and labels about discussing with your doctor about everything. They won’t listen. They just shove you our the door before you can say a word!
I’m sorry you have to listen to my pointless rambling. There is no out for me! I was born to fail and never had a life. Never got a higher education, never traveled, never had friends, never been in a relationship, I was born not to experience life. I wish I had been one of those aborted babies! Fuck! I just want to live my life! And not be controlled by doctors or these meds! Why can’t I just fucking live my life!
Don’t apologize for the rant, i mean, with all that you’ve been going through just vent and rant away (and it’s not pointless if you at least get to speak your mind). Sadly that’s just the way it works. My guess is that most doctors do care but if they have a couple of difficult to treat patients and 100 of easy ones, they’ll go for the easy ones. It could be said that healing a 100 people could be “the greater good” but i agree, it’s pretty damn unfair for that couple of patients that just get lost between the cracks of the system.
I do know how you feel about the no out thing. I’m not in agonizing pain like you are, but i do have constant pain that is slowly rendering me useless (and after a dozen treatments i just kinda gave up). All i can say is that i feel for you, i relate and i’m sorry about your situation, and again, sorry that i can’t really be of much help.
reading your pain i feel like you’re a soul friend. like you’ve gone through such similar shit its wild. i need to talk to you. shoot me an email back n maybe we can skype or even talk on the phone
Often times when people complain, they’re really looking for answers-for someone to tell them the right thing to do, because they are unable to see things clearly.
If I had any kind of incurable disease that caused me great suffering, that made my life terrible and limited, which prevented me from living normally, I’d end it as fast as I could, without question or hesitation. I wouldn’t cry about the life I wish I had, because that’s living in a fantasy. I would simply be searching for a quick, safe, guaranteed method to end my life. What you do with your life is your choice, but this is what I’d do if I was in a similar boat. Life is hard enough when you’re ‘normal’ and healthy like me.
I know the pain of being an ‘outsider’ watching other people live great, happy, fulfilling lives-but we cannot dwell on what we can’t have-I mean if it is impossible to obtain. We need to understand this is the way our life is and if it can be changed, to work towards fixing it. If it cannot be changed, then we need to accept that reality and act accordingly.
If my health was deteriorating, I’d never want to end up in a situation where I’d be forced to depend on others for my existence. Our society is brainwashed to force people to live as long as possible no matter how much pain and suffering they’re in. So for me, before I’d definitely set up a means to end my life, before I lose my strength and mental acuity to do so.