Ever since middle school I’ve always wanted a bf. Almost every night I would cry because I thought no one would ever love me. When I was 18, my best friend introduce me to a guy. We started emailing each other a lot. I get really bad anxiety but that one day I decided to meet him. He picked me up, all he wanted was sex. He kept pressuring me to do it so I felt like I had to. So I lost my virginity to him. He totally left me after that. I was heart broken and sad again. I met this guy on whisper and he was completely my low standers. He met me at my college. Told him I would be his gf. We then did sexual things in his car. Then I left him. I felt really sad again, I was cutting myself, really suicidal, and depressed. I then met this guy online on runescape. He lived in Canada. We just right away messaged each other romantic things. He told me everything I wanted to hear. I fell in love with him. But he was a liar. We broke up and then went back to each other. I had to message him or else he wouldn’t message me. It was 11 months into our relationship, he cheated on me. Even though I never met him in person I loved him. He told me to just find someone else. I’m 20 and I still don’t have a bf. Now I feel alone again and when I feel like that it starts all coming back. I get depressed and suicidal. I feel like no one will ever truly love me. They will just use me and cheat on me. I don’t know how long I take being alone for.
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I don’t know what to say. The first guy definitely took advantage of you. That’s fucking terrible. But the second guy, I don’t know why you did stuff and then left. It seems like you rushed into things. Relationships aren’t supposed to be all about sex. You’re supposed to make some kind of connection, have some similar interests. It seems like because of the first guy, you think that guys only want sex. That’s true about a lot of guys, but not all of them. Don’t worry about being alone. You have to take things slow. Good things come to those who wait. Or something like that
I’m sorry you’ve had some bad experiences with guys. The fact is, the vast majority of people who tell you those things right away will only be saying it to use you to get what they want. In a smaller way, maybe you’re using them for your own purposes a bit as well – to feel less lonely, because you get more depressed when you’re alone. I’ve been in that situation before. I really recommend surrounding yourself with other loved ones (family and/or friends), and finding long-term help for depression – not in the form of guys or any other escape/distraction. Relying on others to take that pain away will mean that the pain is more likely to come back. If you find a way to feel better without relying on someone else, you’ll be able to control it better and break ups won’t be as devastating. You’ll also be more likely to end up in a relationship where you really value that person and feel more able to trust them.
I’m 21 and I don’t have a boyfriend either. I prefer being with someone to being alone, but at the same time at least I’ve had some time to see how much I was relying on someone else and how much damage that caused both of us. I’m really glad that I took a step back from the situation, despite all the pain it caused.
This is a good advice. I’ve pushed guys away wihout even knowing. I was convinced they only wanted sex too because I thought that’s all I was worth. So we have sex and I’ve never talked to them again, only to learn further that they were actually interested in me.
Judge a potential BF by acts, not words. Yes, you may have to “try out” a zillion guys before you find the one you want, but the good news is there are bajillion zillion guys out there.
A good BF:
Doesn’t EVER try to coerce you.
Goes the same speed as you do.
Listens as much as you do.
Doesn’t critize you.
Doesn’t rage or whine.
Takes care of himself.
Likes orange color foods.
Thanks everyone for your input, I will try to do the things you told me to do
Ugggh….look’n for love in all the wrong places. I’ll throw these empty words at you and chances are you’ll shrug or whateverrrr. BUT…If you’re looking to have another person fulfill you, make you happy, stand by you…maybe….for a little while you’ll find ‘that’ person and it might last for a year, 10 years, but eventually…things fall apart and you’ll get hurt again. There’s only one person that matters, only one person can make you happy and will love you for eternity. You already know who that is!! Look in the mirror. You might consider getting to the point where when you find ‘that’ bf and he dumps you or you him you can say….”ok..cool…I’ll help you pack your bags.” and that’s my two cents.
@secretz180
For some of us, that is our innate desire, to find someone to love who’ll love us in return. But first you need to be right within yourself. If you are insecure, desperate, needy, etc-then people pick up on and get turned off and would rather use you to satisfy their base desires.
Likewise, other people don’t come into this world without their own foibles and expectations. I’m like you, I just wanted to find love at one time. Then I got screwed over and turned into someone less trusting of others and have played over those who’ve played me.
Dating can sometimes be a warzone because your heart is on the line. And let’s face it, with a lot of eye-candy out there and girls willing to cheat, it’s becomes that much more difficult to develop a committed loving relationship. Which is why I mentioned the first point, get more confident and secure inside-then you’ll be more ready for the emotional rollercoaster than relationships can sometimes be.
Don’t get me wrong-it doesn’t mean you can’t find a genuine guy who wants to have a serious relationship, they exist. You just have to be more careful, go a little slower and read signals. I can’t believe how bad girls are at not picking up when a guy is a scumbag or will treat them badly. Often times they advertise they’re assholes from day one-I’ve seen it with my own eyes. So pick up on the cues, guys definitely let you know if they really like you, or if they just want to use you.
Hi
I can relate to your story. I’ve had never had a boyfriend until age 21. All the guys that been in my life either lied to me, just wanted sex or both. I was really desperate and I felt ugly on the outside and on the inside because I thought no one wanted me. All I wanted was someone to share a real love with and not be alone anymore.
One day, I’ve met a guy that I really connected with and I felt like he was being honest with me. Everything was so perfect until the day I felt crazy in love for him. And by crazy, I really mean crazy. My anxiety and mood swings took the leads of me and I pretty much ruined everything. Well not only me, he had deep emotionnal problems too.
So after 4 months of crying everyday, I couldn’t stand the pain anymore. A broken heart is the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life. And since I’ve never liked being alive, at this point I was hating life and everyone. I thought that being with this guy would be the only for me to keep going and now that he was really gone, there was nothing for me to hope for. So I decided to end my life. I’ve cut my wrists and my roomie found me, so she called 911.
After seeing my whole family and friends crying because of the fear of losing me and not comprehend why it happened, I felt like I was given the huge slap on the face. A slap that I deserved for hurting so badly the ones I love. It’s even hard for me to write about it because it was a very intense moment.
So, back to the love story. Around 2 months after that, I realized that the good person for me had been there all along. We’ve never really speak together because we’re both shy (he was a friend of a friend). But one day, he talked to me and invited me over. I knew he was someone I could trust since he was in the circle of friends for so long and also what I could see in his eyes.
And well, it’s been 8 months now that I am in a happy and healthy relationship with this wonderful man that, in a way, saved my life.
Don’t lose faith. The problem is not you; the problem is that maybe you don’t look close enough. I know it feels cliché, but I really thought I was and exception to the rule because I had nothing to be loved. It’s not true. There will always be jerks who will try to find girls that are weaker to manage to have sex with them. Learn to read the signs and don’t let anyone make you do something that you don’t want to do. They will find a way to pressure you and make you feel guilty, but you have to step back and realize that this is wrong.
The right guy for you is there because everyone has something to offer, even if you feel that you don’t. A good advice is to try not to let you anxiety take the control of you. You’re more than that.
There isn’t much I can say that doesn’t seem trite or discount your well thought out comments. After having shuffled the cards numerous times sometimes removing the physical and staying in my head helps with the loneliness. There are good people out there. Use a fine net and discard the unwanted bits.
Don’t you fuckin’ listen to me, I’m a moron, but I’ll give you my two cents anyways. I know that you are not alone in this, you’re one of thousands, if not millions that have experienced this before. That is not to belittle what you’ve been through, it’s to say you are not alone in this struggle. There are so many out there that could help you. I understand your need for affection as well, it makes total sense. Many of us (including myself) crave that to fill the vacuum left in our lives by depression. You are not dumb, you are not foolish, and you are not alone. You have us, an entire community that will be by your side no matter what you go through or what you feel.