Numb

I feel so numb. I feel like nothing around me is real. I should have told my pdoc that I attempted suicide when I had my appointment, but I guess I assumed the hospital told her since they asked for her name and I provided it. But nobody told her and I told her that nothing changed and I was still depressed and  she just refilled the medicine I oded on and off I went.

My pdoc is a revolving door of pills. I don’t know if I’m having a mental break or if it’s a side effect of all these meds. Right now it’s keppra, xanax, lexapro, abilify, and atarax. I feel so tired of fighting myself and fighting these pills. I just want to be dead and be done with it. The urge to take all the new pills is so strong that all I can do is cry and lay still in bed and hope for sleep. I want to die but I want to hope but I hope to die. I don’t understand my mind and wish it all would stop. I called my pdoc and said we had to meet as soon as possible, because I am going to tell her the truth. I just hope she doesn’t hand me more meds and push me out the door. I am so close to the edge.