Wish I could just end this! Something or the other always stops me. I never wanted to live. My life is harsh on me and it is difficult to survive it seems. I am just another normal 14 year old teenager but what goes on inside me is unknown to everybody. I am so pressurized by studies and coaching. Every time I have a new coaching to attend and i am supposed to handle everything. I can’t! I am just a human being! My parents have cut off my connection from the outer world (except school where i have no friends basically. Actually they just pretend to be with me but they have always left me in the most difficult situations that i have faced). My parents don’t let me go out and play and have a walk and stuff because they think that i should be sitting in my dark dungeon a.k.a my room and study. I keep myself locked up in my room. I daily shed tears. My eyes and my throat are soar and well if you talk to me after that you might not feel like talking to me because you might be sad. There is like no one to help, no one who gives a fuck about my life. Probably if I just die, the world will remain the same. The classroom will remain the same. For my classmates it’ll be like ‘just some other kid who went out of school’ and my family will cry for two days and after that i’ll be just a picture on a wall . THAT’S IT! There are like a bunch of medicines, a blade and a piece of glass infront of me. Everytime I look at it, I feel I think i should end this pain and sorrow but something or the other stops me. I can’t live like this! I can’t change the way it is going on! Tomorrow is completely worthless since i have no ambitions in life. The past was painful and the present is depressing and stressful. There is no one to reach out to! (Any one who reads this post and comments that i should be taking help from some suicide helpline, it can’t happen. For that the suicide hotline people need to pick up their phones which they rarely do! and i as i mentioned the people around me find me worthless and completely useless, so there is no chance that they can help me. I can say this because i tried) My future is hopeless. My present is a complete mess. I am tired of my life. It just seems to be senseless even being alive. But my destiny won’t let me die. That is the most painful part.
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2 comments
Being a teenager is tough. It’s even tougher when you have to face these obstacles alone.
From your post I can tell you’re suffering from depression. If you cannot find help offline, using this website and interacting with the community may help. Just because the people around you see you as worthless doesn’t mean you are. Sometimes you have to stop listening to the hurtful words of others and just listen to yourself. Be kind to yourself.
You feel very alone and I’m so sorry to hear that. At 14 I was alone in this struggle as well. I hope you will continue to post and share your feelings. You’re not alone in this pain and just because you haven’t found your reason to keep going on now, that doesn’t mean you never will.
Suicide hotlines never worked for me either. I applaud you reaching out on here. One step at a time. 🙂
You could try rebelling. Refuse to do your homework unless your parents allow you some parole time. I was a kid once. I am a parent. For a family to work there has to be give and take. It isn’t supposed to be a religious dictatorship.
BTW there is no such thing as a normal 14 year old. That idea is bullshit from TV. For you to embrace tomorrow your parents need to let you off the leash. Let you go outside and get dirty. There is alot of cool interesting stuff going on outside. How can you get excited about life if you aren’t allowed to see it?
Look, I’m 40 years older than you and I know best: throw a tantrum, hold your breath, kick your parents in the shin, pretend to go to school but go to a movie instead, let your teachers “accidentally” hear you cuss, “accidentally” let condoms and cigarettes fall out of your purse in front of your mother – these are all things you should try before you consider suicide.
There are people around you that care but they are asleep or distracted. Now is the time to yell and stomp your feet to wake them up. Sitting in your room alone and crying is only going to make you damp.