Deer just isnt right

Deer tells himself that he isnt mentally ill
he thinks people will just use this against him

Deer hears things that arent really there sometimes
Deer gets urges to do really bad things sometimes like setting things on fire and watching them burn Or dragging filling his body with poison and constantly feels bad
he can’t complete daily tasks without feeling pain or wanting to go back to bed
he cant sleep at night and spends hours laying in bed thinking about everything he’d done wrong that day
he acknowledges his paranoia and anxiety but tries to ignore everything else
he doesnt knows exactly whats wrong but lacks the resolve to do what he must

Deer gets told that hes weak by his mother and that hes never going to amount to anything
Deer wonders if shes right
and is starting to think she is
Deer goes without food for days sometimes because he cannot find the drive to feed himself
and his mother gets mad when he says this
so hes stopped caring about it

Deer doesnt know limits and doesnt know when to stop talking
Deer has lost too many friends because of this
Deer doesnt deserve the friends he has either
he knows that
which makes having them and talking to them much more surreal
Deer is also used to his friends not sticking around
so he is waiting for them to just
decide that hes crazy or toxic and move on
Deer knows they’d be better off without them anyway
everyone would be

Deer isnt good at anything other than art
Deer stays in his room all day and all night
he is useless
Deer wishes he was more
Deer wishes he was born right
Deer wishes he wasnt fucked up and could stop hurting himself and others
Deer wishes he wouldnt think every negative word people say around him is aimed at him
Deer wishes that he wasnt an empty shell
and that his heart didnt beat purely out of habit
but it is
and he is beginning to wonder why he even bothers anymore
Deer wishes he was never born or rather that he stopped existing

he just wants to sleep for a long time