My Thoughts

I remember feeling from a very early age like I didn’t belong anywhere. I always felt like the black sheep in my family and  I was always pretty shy so making friends wasn’t really a strong suit.

I started getting depressed when I was about 12 years old. I had a teacher who I usually went to when I was having a bad day because I knew no one else would listen. I was having trouble fitting in when I was in middle school. I tried to  fit in with all different groups of people but I never really clicked anywhere. In 8th grade I started making friends with a bunch of people who were really nice and excepting of me and my depression started subsiding a little.

Then hit high school. In high school freshman year I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycistic Ovarian Syndrome). I would tell you what that means but it would take forever to explain. I had always struggled with my weight but I lost about 30 pounds my freshman year. Sophomore year hit and my depression and anxiety hit me the hardest it ever had. Needless to say I gained all that weight back and then some. I remember waking up one night with the worst chest pains I had ever felt in my life. It felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. I realized I was having a panic attack so I got up, got some water, put my head between my legs and took deep breaths. It eventually stopped and I went to bed. My mom slepped through the whole thing. My mom also doesnt know I even struggle with anxiety and depression. We’re not really that close so theres not much I feel like I can tell her. Those panic attacks happened to me off and on for the next year.

One day all of a sudden I woke up but I just couldn’t get out of bed. When I finally got up I did nothing but cry all day long without reason. I remember thinking to myself “why am I so upset?” I can’t even describe to you how much pain I felt in that moment. I was sad, lonely, angry, depressed, confused and hopeless. I remember going to the kitchen and grabbing the sharpest knife I could find. I put it next to my arm and wondered what cutting into my skin would feel like. I knew my mom would see it if I cut my arm so I tried my leg. It stung at first but I didn’t mind, I didnt care. I stopped, looked at the cut and threw the knife down. A few weeks later it hit me hard again but this time I was laying in the floor of my room staring at the ceiling. A thought occurred “what would everyone’s life be like if I died?” So I went through everyone I knew and tried to think of how they would feel. I realized people would be sad but they’d get over it, they’d all move on and eventually just forget about me. There were at some points, days where I wanted to just die. In my head I had already given up so why not just go ahead and die?!

Now 4 years later I still struggle with anxiety and depression. I never got diagnosed with either one but that’s because I just couldn’t get the courage to tell my mom. My family always tries to look so perfect for everyone all the time. If my mom had a suicidal depressed daughter, how would that make her look? Like I said, I’m not close with my mom. But now I’m struggling with another battle. I have come to the realization that I am bisexual. It took me a while to realize this but I’m confused and I’m trying to figure out who I am and how to overcome everything I’ve been through. I have struggled and I still struggle and I wish everyone out there with the same struggle nothing but love and support from everyone around you because that’s all I wish for myself too. Coping skill step 1: surround yourself with positive accepting people, get rid of ones who don’t. Thank you for reading my story.