Every possible way to kill oneself comes with the risk of ending seriously messed up and worse than one was before. I am not depressed, I just want to die. I fucking hate existing. I have to suffer every fucking day. I feel bad for my mom and her pain but there is no point to my life on this pathetic planet. If there was a god, they’d have some fucking compassion for someone who genuinely needs to escape. Fuck. No one can understand.
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Hey Koolkat. Do you mind sharing what’s going on? Who knows? Maybe I can understand.
Thank you for replying, Ylem31. You know it’s like now I’m an “adult” and I’m being thrown full force into this society that I don’t even want to be a part of. I have debilitating anxiety that has been caused partially because of years of being treated like a fucking worthless good for nothing person. Now I have to finish to college to even succeed in this world and have some kind of income and I hate going to school and being graded on what a teacher thinks of my work. In any moment something tragic could happen to me because there are so many depraved people in the world. I am getting older and uglier everyday. One day my mom is going to die, the only human in my life, the person my life revolves around and I don’t even know when that day will come! But it’s coming! Because nothing good ever lasts. I know all this sounds trivial but to me they are all enormous issues that I don’t want to face because I’m going to die one day anyway. Whoa that was a lot. I thank you for asking, I am deeply thankful for your response. I’m sorry if my response was lame but those are not even all of my worries! I just have so many of them! It’s insane! How are you doing, Ylem31 and what brings you to this site?
That’s just life, Koolkat. You reach a certain point where you have to grow up, be independent and fend for yourself.
You’re right. Your mother will not be here forever. She’s pushing you to be part of the real world so you know how to take care of yourself, once she’s gone. It’s not fair when a parent has to bury their own child. But, we are all going to die anyway. Death is part of life. We just never get used to it I guess.
As for me, I sort of feel the same way you do. I think I’m way too dependent on my family. They are the reason I haven’t taken my own life. I fight through my depression and anxiety. I’m pushing through college so I can better my life and theirs. My family is my main motivation.
I recently lost my brother. He was murdered right before my eyes. The very next day after he was killed, I had to go to varsity and write an exam. It was so fucking traumatic. I was terrified to even be out in the streets. I had to do it for him and for the good of my family. I pulled through. But the memories of those events still haunt me. I can’t stop the flashbacks from playing out in my head. I think about killing myself everyday, but I know it will only cause my family more harm. So I’m sticking around for them.
Right. There is no god. I don’t, and never have, believed there could be one or two or even a handful of supreme beings in the sky controlling everything that happens on earth. sigh.
Yup. I understand.