I don’t understand love.
I just… I just don’t.
I have never fallen in love with anyone. I have never been in a relationship with anyone.
I can’t interact and connect with anyone on that level. I’ve tried reciprocating if someone shows an interest in me. But I can’t. I just end up hurting the other person because I can never meet them halfway. I just feel nothing.
The only love I have is for my family. That’s the only love I know and can show. I think it’s because they are just the only people I can interact with, as minimal as I do that as well. They do not know me. No one does. No one can ever understand me.
I don’t see myself close to anyone, being in a relationship with anyone for that matter. I just don’t. I can’t connect with people. I feel some sort of attraction for both men and women, which has led me to identify as bisexual. I also question that as well. It boils down to not being real when I can’t make meaningful connection with either men or women.
It’s hard for me to even describe this, cause I don’t understand it myself. What you see is what you get with me. I can’t let anyone dig in deep and see deep inside of me, because there’s nothing there. There’s just hollow darkness and emptiness. A void that can never be filled with anything.
I’ve tried to accept this fact about me. I will never make any deep connections with anyone. I will spend the rest of my short life on earth alone. But then, I see people around me find love, get married and have children and families. It bothers me.
Why can’t I feel anything? Why can’t I let anyone in? Why can’t I fall in love?
N.N.M
2 comments
Sorry to hear about all that.
With my last relationship, I learned a lot about a particular type of women I had had no experience with before. Many of the regulars here know what I am talking about. I threw down the highest hand (ring/marriage) and she was STILL fooling around. What does that say about her? I believe I know what it has said about her from the start.
Best wishes.
For kicks: youtube.com/watch?v=K5G1FmU-ldg
I’m sorry about what you’re feeling, but the fact that things are like that doesn’t mean that it’ll be like that forever. Love is something that is difficult to explain/understand for those that have felt it, even multiple times.
The fact that you’ve tried to reciprocate it to people that you don’t feel it for is nice of you, but if you’re an honest person (which you sound like you are) it’s easy to see why it didn’t work. I might be wrong, but love is one of those things that you feel or not, and it cannot be really forced, so when it happens… it happens. The fact that you do feel love for your family sort of means (at least to me) that you are capable of it, but maybe you haven’t met the correct person, or your just not allowing yourself to feel (might be wrong here too, but it tends to happen when you’re having issues, i mean the blocking emotions and feelings thing).
That said, well, it might not have happened for you yet, but it might, in the future. People do feel love differently (imho), and that sort of make it difficult to define/understand. Love is not needed to make deep connections with people do, but i kinda get that’s not what you were saying with that line.