I have no idea where to start this. I suppose I will begin with saying that it is 5:42 AM and I have accepted that I have grown so bored of life that I am beginning to think that maybe I just wasn’t meant to be alive. I have been bored for so fucking long I can’t even remember a time when I was genuinely interested in anything. I desperately need change in my life, I cant keep reliving the same god-damn day over and over it’s driving me insane. I am trying so hard to find something that will make me interested in living again. I have tried talking to people and making new friends but people make me want to rip my hair out. They are so ignorant and annoying and cruel and when I allow anyone to become my friend they fuck me over. I feel as though I’d rather not talk to people at all. But then why do I feel so god-damn lonely? I constantly wonder what I did so fucking wrong to deserve this. All I ever want to do is sleep. And when I can’t sleep I’ll take pills until I can. All I want is a sense of purpose, of being needed and wanted. I wish I could just fucking believe in a religion and trust that some man in the sky will fix this fuck up of a life.
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I tend not to want to be around people like that either and that’s basically the majority in my area, but being alone for too long isn’t fun either :/
I have alienated nearly everyone in my life because I grew weary of their fakeness. It seems that almost everyone I’m ever around is so robotic in their actions and responses. It’s exasperating. I want to be around genuinely authentic people, but I haven’t found those people. So, I isolate myself. When I do go out grocery shopping, restaurants, etc., I steer clear of engaging in plastic platitudes. If someone asks “how are you?”, I don’t answer their question. Either I say nothing and keep walking, or I just say a factual statement, like “doing errands”. I use to be viewed as ‘socially acceptable’ when I played the robotic rhetoric game. Now that I don’t engage, I’m viewed as impolite and sometimes rude.
I don’t understand why our human nature feels the need to relate to other people. Maybe it’s our upbringing, so it’s what we got accustomed to. I’m trying to be comfortable with not relating with others, but it’s difficult.
I am trying to find peace and solitude in nature. Listening to birds chirping his morning… really paying attention to all the sounds and it’s amazing how many different tones of chirps I hear. That is lovely. I enjoy the smell of salt ocean water, so yesterday I drove to a nearby park and walked out on the pier over the bay water. Breathing the salty air is invigorating. I walked to the end of the pier and sat on a bench to watch the beautiful sunset. Because of the sun glare, I hadn’t noticed a large flock of birds resting on the water near me. But, in an instant, I heard a quiet ‘whoosh’ and about 30 birds lifted from the water in perfect V formation and fluttered in the sky, then landed on the water again. I was fascinated by this beauty, but also impressed at the instinctual nature of these birds to be in such sync.
We humans are not in sync. It’s sad.