Mommy Issues.

Lately I’ve been having medical issues. Serious, taxing, stressful medical issues. Issues that my mom, who works with a doctor, could clear up. She could tell me what the hell is going on but she chooses not to. I see a specialist tomorrow. Ever since I got my bloodwork results back, I’ve been stressed and anxious. Well, moreso than usual. These two things make it harder for me to focus, making my already difficult high school courses even harder. This quarter we talked about suicide in Health, and that’s the first time I’ve ever shown a serious emotion in school. I had a breakdown. I was crying and couldn’t talk without sobbing. I was freezing and felt dizzy and my knees were so shakey. Since then, my grades have dropped from straight As with a B every now and then, both test and overall grades. My last two tests in my Maths? 63%, 54%, and I’m pretty sure I just failed the test I took today. My overall grade is 72%, and my grading quarter cut off is in 2 days. My mom has always expected the best from me, moreso than my sister. I brought home a C on a test in 7th grade and she hit me. When I told her today, just now, that my grades will be bad this quarter, she screamed at me. She doesn’t understand how stressed I am. Between the inability to focus, how difficult the courses are lately, and all this medical stuff, I’m drowning. I’m forgetful, and plannars never worked for me, making homework a task for me. This seems so overdramatic, but coming from a girl whose family expects everything from her. This is my life. My mom wants the exact opposite for me as she had for herself. She was kicked out at 16, and dropped out to start working so she could afford an apartment. Which is why she expects so much from me. So much that I can’t keep up. We’ve never had a good relationship, and I’ve tried to open up to her before, but it always turns out bad. She either yells or changes the subject or mocks me or dismisses it. And she will never know I’ve had suicidal thoughts. Right now it looks better than ever. Just to swallow a handful of pills and hope to die by morning. Because who would care if I just dropped dead? Sure my family would, and my very few friends. But nobody would have ever seen it coming. And I wouldn’t have to deal with the guilt. Because I’d finally just be rid of all of my stress and worry.