I can’t put the knife down.
I need a reason to live. Someone give me a reason to live!!
I love my mother. I love her so much, I don’t ever want to hurt her. My family is the only reason keeping me alive. But right now, I don’t really care about that. I’m too blinded by the pain, I just can’t take it anymore. I want to die so bad.
Cutting has gone this far. The pain doesn’t want to go away anymore. My heart is so heavy.
25 comments
What pain do you have? Maybe we could help you with something..
Trust me, when you share your story/suffering with someone, you will feel much better.
I think it’s emotional pain. I keep crying. I can’t handle the emptiness. Nothing feels real anymore. I don’t feel real. I don’t feel alive. There is this deep dark empty void in my chest. I want out.
A reason? Yourself. You can find peace…
You give me a reason, please? You may know better
Cutting isn’t stronger than you. It’s just a tiny little part that is taking all your attention. Withdraw that attention from it.
There is so much more of you
I hate myself too much to live for myself. I just want to die. I’m alive for my family. I’m alive to keep other people happy. I need more reasons if I want to carry on. I keep looking. I can’t find them.
Is it chemical? Have you tried meds allready? I have an appointment this week to try once again… I am scared of meds but I have to try… what about you?
I’m scared of meds too. I thought I could handle this on my own.
Here’s a little something about me you won’t believe… I’m a final year medical student and I’m doing my psychiatry rotation right now. One thing that terrifies me more than anything about seeking help, is being admitted to a psych ward and having my classmates see me there every single day. It will be embarassing. With all the shit going on in my head, I’m definitely in-patient material. I know how the system works. Also, I don’t want to miss classes and push my graduation date. I want to be done with this degree by this year. (maybe this is a Reason to live… I don’t think so.)
Now I understand how all the patients I see every day feel. Will this make me a terrible doctor in the end? I don’t know. I really care about people. Reason I chose this career. But it’s also about money now. My family is suffering and only hanging on to me finishing this year. This has put a huge weight on my shoulders. I will deal with my shit when I can.
I’m trying to apply what I’ve learned to help myself. Without meds or a doctor. Some days I can, some days, like today, I just can’t.
Talking to people helps me though. Sharing how I feel here also help. Today is just one of those days.
I think you really need to consult a psycho-therapist. The counselling sessions would really be helpful. You will get to sort out the issues you’re facing and get some courage and positive energy..
You shouldn’t carry it by yourself. I imagined the scene of you being there visited by your classmates and I do belive it is terrifying. But no one gets admited just for asking some help, geting meds is still far away from being hospitalized. Now that you say you know more of this than I do, I doubt myself but I think you do need to trust in someone else’s point of view and not to self treat you.
Find someone In some other clinic, start slow…
And sorry about your family’s situation. And this may sound weird but if they need you, then you should try to release some of this pressure too. Are you the only one that can help at home? I know you said everyone’s depending on you, but it may mean they hope you can earn better by being a doctor, but doesn’t necessarily mean you are the only one that can earn money… are you?
My point is you are strong, but we all need help… hope I am not being rude here.
@WhatisTruth: I really do. I know I do. I will seek help when I’m ready. I’m not ready right now.
@Moneypenny: they put all their money on me. My father and my older brother were holding the family together. My brother was killed last year by our neighbour in front of us last year. All the weight of my studies is now on my father, alone. I have younger sisters who are in high school.
My family is really suffering financially and emotionally because of me. My brother died because of me as well. I cause nothing but suffering to them. I’m being really selfish by being suicidal. I shouldn’t be. That’s why I don’t tell them anything. That’s why I’m suffering alone. To spare them more pain. That’s why I can’t seek help as of yet as well. I can’t even kill myself right now, no matter how suicidal I may be. I’m stuck here. I’m in a very sticky situation here.
I am deeply sorry about your brother and the fact that you feel responsible for his death. It must be hard to carry so much weight. Please, be kind with yourself, eat well, go for a walk sometime, and besides all you said, do know your family doesn’t just need you for economical reasons but I would dare to say they care about you and they love you. My daring will go to adding that maybe by allowing yourself of being worth of that care and love you may find the strength you need.You are lucky of having your sisters and maybe you can’t tell them about your reality but even so you can maybe share time with them. I am just guessing, but try not to be alone on this.
Well, drat. It’s moved my previous comment into moderation because I put a link in it.
Ok, I’ll copy/paste.
Here’s what I said:
You asked if all this would make you a terrible doctor in the end.
I think it’s just the opposite; it gives you empathy and a special perspective that most doctors don’t get to have.
It reminds me of the post I did awhile back, where I was an intern in a mental hospital. I greatly understood the severe depression my patients had, because I felt the same way.
(Then I included a link to that SP post, but if links automatically stick the comment into the deep pit of moderation, I guess I’ll have to leave that off.)
Pain can only take attention away from pain to an extent. I don’t know if I can give you a reason. The softy in me wants to think the love we feel, and the way the loved feel toward us, is a good reason.
Maybe, let it all out. Tell all the horror and nightmare and war. Live at least long enough to tell us your story? Share the weight, I guess.
I’ve been sharing the nightmare with SP since November. The weight lifts off for a moment, then comes crashing right back again. I try. Take it one minute at a time. But lately, even breathing hurts.
I do hope that you can find a reason ^-^ I’m sorry that I can’t offer one to you myself. Good luck though ^_^
welp first went to moderation, but basically I was just saying that I hope you can manage to get things sorted out, and good luck. ^_^ I feel like you will be able to help a lot of people 😀
I hope so too. I just need to make it through this day.
It looks like you really need the meds. Get escitalopram or sertraline? Try to get MDMA if there is any way you could find a drug dealer. If you’re dying anyway you might as well try meds, right?
I know I do. I just need to start the meds under a doctor’s supervision. Problem here is going to a doctor and the possibility of hospitalization.
That’s the only advice I had. You should not be hospitalized if you don’t say that you’re acutely suicidal and in immediate danger. Maybe there are other ways to get the pills, like thru friends or relatives, or something else. Ask around.
One more thing, there is nothing to be ashamed of to have a depression just like any other illness! If your friends can’t understand that, then they are just dumb. Even if you get hospitalized and admit that you have a depression, it’s not the end of the world. Most likely your classmates will at first be surprised and then just be like “ok, you’re in a hospital. wow, how is it going?”. Think of it, how can you be a doctor if you find it shameful to use the help of one?
As much as I would feel ashamed, that’s not the only reason. I’ve shared my feelings with close friends and they are supportive.
One major problem will be my family and financial issues. My family has invested too much in me, they have been through a lot because of me. I can’t burden them with this as well. I can’t add another financial burden to them.
I’ve read your history from your comment.
It looks like you have an anxiety disorder..
Whenever you are anxious, the brain constantly interrupts you with negative thoughts, sometimes worst-case scenarios which can occur (like you mentioned “being admitted to psychward”).
See, these thoughts are just deceptive brain messages and are far from real.
You just need to learn how to neglect these thoughts and continue your life.
I perfectly know neglecting the thoughts is not easy at all and it involves a lot of efforts.
But, you can start at least..
Whenever any negative thought comes to your mind, immediately identify it as an intrusive thought and it is nothing but a defect in my brain.
Of course, it is not that easy to get rid of negative thoughts as soon as they occur.
It takes time and patience..
I’ve read a couple of books – “Brain Lock” and “You’re not your brain”.
Both have been a lot helpful to me. If you’re constantly irritated by negative thoughts and it is hampering your day-to-day activities, then you may want to refer to these books.
But first of all, I recommend you to get help from a professional psycho-therapist..
All the best! I hope you feel better..
I’ll see a doctor tomorrow. It took a lot of guts for me to turn to a friend. He pretty much said the same thing you’ve been saying. So, decision made. I’ll see a doctor tomorrow. I don’t know how to tell my family though. That’s something I’ll need to figure out as well.
Good luck with the doctor tomorrow ^_^
All the best, pal.. I hope you feel better!