I’ve just started using this site so I’m not sure if anyone would know my story, but if you don’t here is the detailed you might need to understand the rest of my rant.
A year and three months ago, my lifelong best friend committed suicide. Since then, I have fallen into a multitude of bad habits, bad treatments, bad situations, bad moments, and really, just an overall bad life. All the friends I had left when she died. The only person I have right now is my boyfriend. Also, you might need to know I’m a cashier. Like I said, please excuse my rant and by no means do you have to read the garbage I create. If you do, thank you for doing so. Anywho, I’ll get on with my rant.
Please don’t ask me how I’m doing. All god damned day I will stand at my register and make simple conversation with those I check out just to make the day go faster. And every single person asks how I’m doing and every single time I respond with “I’m good!” yadda yadda. But in my head I always say “Well, I didn’t throw up this morning, I guess I’m decent” or “Well, sir or ma’am, I would just love to be dead right now.” And then, if family comes around or teachers or counselors or old friends who are bored talk to me, they always ask how I’m doing. I’m not okay!!! I haven’t been even near okay since she held a gun up to her head! Do you honestly think that a person who was so close to another that decided to blow her brains out is okay?? Tell me, are you stupid?
It has bothered me more how those around me that know my best friend died can ask such a stupid question. And to make it worse, when I say good, every single god damned one of them accept it like it’s true. And I know what you’rethinking right now. “Just tell them you’re not okay! Let out your feelings!” That is a much harder task to accomplish than percieved. If I were to tell my parents, my family that I have been trying to commit suicide, that I have turned to drugs, illegal activity, and horrible habits to handle her death, I would immediately be put in a psych ward. And maybe that’s best for me….maybe that’s where I belong. But I feel that that in itself is a contradiction. To open up to one, especially to that magnitude would require vulnerability. I would have to become vulnerable to those that ask such a silly question; and I feel those that ask that question do not want my vulnerability set on their shoulders. So, then, what is even the point of asking such a stupid question when one doesn’t care about the answer? Why does society like to put on a mask of caring and compassion when really, no one would give a shit if you were to say you were bleeding out on the inside?
Thank you strangers who ask the question to pass the time, but please, can we cut the shit and admit neither of us care about the other so there is no point to ask such a powerful question in a mediocre setting.
3 comments
Well First: Welcome to the forum.
Second: I am sorry to hear that you lost your friend to suicide and that it has had such a negative impact on your life and self. My condolences go out to you. I have lost people too and know it hurts.
Third: I want to say that I read ALL of your post… and have to tell you that this SP forum is a good place to rant and get things off your chest. There are a lot of people here, including myself that understand where you are coming from and can relate to your post. So you don’t have to apologize about your rant. This is a safe place to rant, and an appropriate place to rant about these kinds of issues.
Most of us rant here once in a while and > YES a rant here and there can be a good way to get things off of ones chest. And once that is done > you might find that you feel better to know that there are others who understand your situation.
Fourth: I wish you well and hope to see you more around the SP forum here. Thanks for sharing your story and know there are good people here to talk with who understand.
Have a good night. If you ever want somebody to chat with privately let me know and I will shoot you my email address.
I agree with you about how frustrating it can be to have to tell someone you’re good, when you’d like to say you’re not. I’ve thought about that many times. “How are you doing” is more of a senseless greeting instead of a genuine question. If one was to say anything other than “I’m good”, (s)he’d get a confused reaction. It’s a dumb way of saying hello.
I so wish we lived in a world where an honest response to the inane “how are you doing?” was welcomed.. And is only inane cause of what’s anticipated. Might as well be “what’s 2 + 2?”…”4″…for an accepted greeting, but I don’t know, I get it at the same time, just one of those social conventions. But everyone once in a while you meet someone who deviates from the norm, giving you an accurate response, “how am I doing? Not so well..” I appreciate these people immensely.. Anyways welcome to the forum. I’m very sorry to hear about your loss and understand completely. Feel free to rant anytime, even if don’t get many responses, people are reading and appreciating what you share.