It never comes out right, never quite like it is in my head. I always come off like an angry, whiney freak when I try to explain to you how I feel. The truth is, I don’t think I’m actually an annoying person or a whiney one or even angry. I’m just sad, ya know? And stressed. Anxious. I’ve had a lot of messed up stuff happen in my life, much like most of you. I don’t think I am any better or worse. But I feel like I don’t belong here or anywhere. It’s like, I try to connect with someone, anyone, and it always comes off wrong. Seriously, I’m just so done trying. I can’t seem to find anything to live for anymore. I guess, all I can come up with is my best friend, who really needs me right now. Once she’s doing better, who knows.
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That’s how I keep feeling all the time, like I am here for others and feeling trapped. I never even hardly see my family so I don’t see why I should just have to be here in the background for peoples peace of mind. Well, apart form my brother, his gf and mum once a week we go shopping :-s it’s the only day I leave my house lately apart from the local shops… It’s not really something to look forward to each week or even something I am needed for, my brother could sort mums things out for her on his own really.
Like things couldn’t get any worse, my landlord rang me to say he has put the building up for sale and it goes to auction on June 2nd and can I arrange with him a day people can come and view the place before then :-/ I knew he was up to something cause usually he don’t do shit around here, but the last few weeks he has been coming most days doing bits and bobs.
Think that just pushed me over the edge a bit today, I’m sick of whining, feeling miserable and not wanting to be hear but feeling that I have to for the sake of others. Why the hell should I, so I have spent the day ordering all that I am going to need. just a waiting game now I guess, hopefully it’ll all be here before the landlords viewing so they can find me.
I wish neither of us had to feel this way, and I wish suicide wasn’t so inviting. I don’t want you to go through with it, but I understand where you’re coming from, because I am there too. It’s awful to feel like you’re replaceable and unnecessary. I’m sorry about that and the landlord thing. I wish I could convince you things will get better. But all I seem to have are wishes and *hugs*.
Welcome to (my) life!
I can relate to how you both feel. It seems like every time I try to talk to anyone I get misunderstood because my tone of voice is always irritated or frustrated and then people think I’m being a *****.
And it’s frustrating feeling like we have to stay alive because we know that it’s going to hurt people we care about if we end it. I think most people fear death and they just can’t grasp the reality of people who would rather be dead than alive.
Most people are convinced that it’s going to get better. I wish I could be convinced of that. But all I see ahead of me is more chronic pain and more struggles and more frustration trying to get the doctors to figure out why I’m in so much pain.
Well at least I finally got my flowers planted. It’s the one thing that makes me happy; looking out my sliding glass door of my patio at all my beautiful flowers. I’ll post a picture later after they bloomed more.
Sorry to hear about the situation with your building Ant. That’s got to be really tough and you certainly don’t need another hassle.