Time to sleep.

I’m fine. Or actually I’m not. Well at least I’m here. Is it better to be here, alive and in pain, than being dead and in no pain?

I just woke up and the dreams I have are better than reality. That’s why I sleep for a long time. Sleep is my friend. I want to sleep all day. Just lie in my bed without needing to think about anything.

You’d think writing about it would make it feel a  little bit better. Maybe it does for some people. Unfortunately I am not like some people.

Now you may be wondering what is causing this pain. Well it’s just that I majestically screwed up with a girl I like. Okay maybe not majestically but close.

And now you’re probably thinking “all this over a girl? Are you stupid? There are others who are in worse pain than you. Yet you complain about a girl!?” To that I answer, yes,  yes and yes.

I’m going to call the girl I liked Lily and her friend Zoe. And I’m going to call myself Ryan. This is not my/their real name(s)!

Anyway, it all started back in 2012 when I changed to her school and to her class. I liked her and I knew she liked me by the way she looked at me and how many times I saw her looking at me. But why didn’t I say anything to her? I wish I knew. Maybe I was scared of being rejected. Maybe I was scared of my friends teasing me about it. Or maybe I just didn’t know what to say.

Gosh, I’m such an idiot..

However, in the beginning of June I started thinking a bit more about how to approach her because after summer we go to different schools. Still in the same town, though.

But no matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t find the courage to ask her out. I didn’t even talk to her. All I did was looking at her. Just like she looked at me. And at one occasion when we were forced to dance for some dumb reason, I heard her friend Zoe say “Oh, you two lovebirds should dance.” Lily then quickly said “shut up!”

I tried to pretend like I didn’t hear it. Even though they were right next to me..

I wish I could rewind time.. If I could I would! Then I’d talk to her and finally ask her out. I can dream, can’t I?

One very important thing I noticed back in 2015 was that we got a new teacher and she wanted to get to know us better so she told us to work in pairs and interview each other i.e. ask each other what we liked and what we disliked.  When we were done the guy I was with said everything I liked and disliked. Then I said what he liked and disliked. But when it was time for the girl Zoe was working with I heard her say “…and she likes Ryan.” I was like “did I just hear that?” I wasn’t really paying too much attention to what they said but I swear they said my name. Also my teacher looked at me with a half shocked expression when she said that. I started to think about whether they meant someone else or not.

But couldn’t stop the feeling that they meant me. However I just told myself that I probably heard wrong or something like that. After that day I started noticing Zoe looking at me but when I looked back she quickly looked another way. I told myself that I was just imagining things.

There’s a tradition at my school where the eighth graders make dinner and desert for the ninth graders. It’s not really dinner actually but kind of. Anyway, so the eighth graders get to decide where we sit. And where do I sit? At the same table as Zoe and Lily. More exactly, Zoe is sitting next to me on the right and Lily two chairs to my left.

I notice Zoe playing a little bit with her hair and some times when a girl does that it means she’s close to someone she likes. When I noticed that I thought “huh that’s strange. I wonder if she likes the guy on her right. Nah, probably not. Then maybe she likes me?” I knew that would be a problem because if she likes me but I like Lily, I feel like it might get awkward if Lily and I were to go out some time and maybe become a couple. Then maybe Zoe would get sad or mad at me or Lily.

And honestly I don’t want to ruin their friendship. I’d prefer seeing them both being happy rather than one being happy and the other one sad. Even if it means not going out with Lily.

But.. I really needed to know if Lily liked me or not. So on the 13th of June I asked Lily out. I know I said I’d rather see them both happy but I just had to know if she actually liked me or not. I asked her over Snapchat and she replied “I’ll think about it :)))”. I had no idea how long she was going to think about it so I just waited. On the 14th I got no answer. So on the 15th I asked her again but this time she said “Not the way I feel right now. Sorry.” I said “Oh, okay it’s fine.” I got a little bit sad but tried to think about other things.

Two weeks later I asked her again. This happened today. I asked her if she was doing anything special this Wednesday. She said that she was going to play golf so I asked her if she was busy on Thursday. But I felt like she was going to say no so I wrote “You want me to stop asking you, don’t you?”. She replied “I kind of said no before. Sorry.” Then I replied “Oh right. Sorry. I’ll stop.”

If I had just talked to her while we were going to the same school she would’ve maybe said yes. This is what I get for being stupid.

It hurts when I re-read this. I want it to be over. Not everyone belongs in this world.

Thank you for reading this. I’m going to sleep now and I’m going to sleep a little bit longer than I usually do.  Call it eternity if you will.

But this is what I want so don’t be sad.