So I’ll start off, im middle-aged, unmarried, decent job, loving brothers, sisters & mother, I’ve traveled from coast to coast across Canada and lived in the USA for 7 years, I’ve got a nice big television, huge stereo, all kinds of console gaming systems, computer, nice apartment, comfortable bed, good fucking friends, I don’t have to struggle to feed myself or keep clothes on my back, I was never abused in any way as a child, my mental illnesses are anxiety, society anxiety and depression, when I was a teenager i was put in the psych ward only once for a two week stay.
Why am I here? Well obviously depression…..duh. It’s been ten years now and counting in this current depressive shit hole I call a brain and I cannot pull out of it, for reasons I will explain in due time.
Now to anyone who’s already guessed based on what’s missing from the above list, you get a gold star!!! That’s right!!! “love gone wrong”. I’m not going to bore anyone with the details at this very moment, even though I’m sure that there are many who would like to hear the story. And over the coarse of time while im here and still posting I will get to that.
Now I’ve heard it all… and i mean all!!
There’s a million fish in the sea, there’s always someone out there better for you, the heart will learn to love again, blah blah blah balh blah blah.
I’m not on here to be saved, it just feels nice to anonymously share my journey to “close the loop”. I cannot share on conventional social media as my friends & family think im going better and are on an upswing. The reason Im still around is for not wanting to let them all down, especially my mother.
I’ve already chosen my exit method and where I’m at now is trying to square away as such of my funeral costs as possible as my parents aren’t well off. I haven’t chosen a location just yet, I’m taking my time with that one, it has to be within driving distance as I cannot get onto a plane with my equipment (not doing the exhaust pipe shuffle in case your getting ideas lol) I’m too creative for that.
I figure I’m about a year and a half away, two at most. Now I’m completely open to the fact that over that coarse of time my mind may change for whatever hundreds of possibilities.
Reading as I signed up here i read that we are not to talk about actual method. But I see folks on here talking about past failed tries.
How does that work? You can talk about past tries but not your current “master plan” LOL
Don’t get me wrong I’m not here to stir the pot or be rocking the boat, just curious where the line is on that.
This isn’t my first attempt, maybe back then I wasn’t that serious, maybe because there wasn’t an Internet to explore & learn. Maybe the Black hole in my chest is getting to big, but mainly because as the more time passes the more I see the finality of the whole thing (will be explained more).
The first, second & third times were all pills.
The first was Gravol, the second morphine, the third extacy. Not counting the emo cuts from my teenage years.
But thanks to my education in fabrication and the wonders of the Internet this isn’t going to fail me.
Consider this my first entrie and introduction to the documentation of my final years……and maybe not. Not likely but maybe.
Last thought, I wish I had a time machine…..but don’t we all.
3 comments
Interesting post, and welcome!
I kinda envy you for having the basics, and more, down. I regret the past, hate the present, and fear the future. I’m just scared I will never be able to provide for myself for any extended length of time. And don’t get me started on the whole social skills thing.
I dunno. You mention material belongings and good friends. But you also say your friends think you’re doing better, when here you are, talking about suicide.
Material belongings statistically don’t make people happy beyond a certain point. And friends only make you happy if they fulfill your social needs, i.e. you feel emotionally safe with them, that you can open up with them.
I tried to make a habit of going out into nature for short spells regularly. There is a strange wisdom to the slow way things grow, I find. The sounds of nature. Like there is much wisdom to be found in literature.
I suppose my point is you’re probably seeking peace of mind through suicide, but kinda no wonder you don’t have it, because who has peace of mind in the modern world? Not me. It’s a horrible, noisy, bleeping, blinking, superficial, distracting environment.
I swear three of the best days in my life were last time I moved to a new appartment and had no Internet access initially. My mind slowed down. Such happiness.
I can honestly relate to a lot of this. Why do people like us, with decent to more favorable circumstances, circunstances many here wish they had, still wind up so damn miserable in the long run??
It’s frustrating, to say the least. But I’m glad you shared, and hopefully it helps you like it’s helped me from time to time.
I can and do open up and talk to my friends and they all care for me but at some point the thoughts are too dark and I don’t want to end up in a psych ward or being monitored.
Why I like this place. No one knows me.