The crazy fact is that I still cling on to life with the lowest amount of optimism I have left which is why I desire someone would murder me to make the process significantly easier.
In the past, I would have suicidal thoughts but they were manageable through the gym, talking to a mentor/girlfriend and minor successes in life. Now those coping mechanisms don’t even work, they just numb my thoughts for a short period of time and then reverts to a way which I would describe “A squirrel anxiously on cocain divining the bleak future”. The truth is I don’t want to die but neither do I want to exist, what keeps me going I guess is the waste of investment from my family put into me, the cost of a funeral and a strange optimism to have a family in the future…
If anyone can relate to this… my thoughts consist of self-hate, convincing my self that others dislike me, creeping loneliness thoughts and constant thoughts of doubts, failure and anxious moments.
I think I will go through another 48 hours before I decide to do something.
3 comments
Hope is what keeps us all going. No matter how little there is, hold on to it. Hold on for dear life! Yes! Life is the opposite of death, correct? If you feel the absence of life, do you think more absence will be the answer? The answer is searching with all you soul for a reason. A reason for life. We are not here for no reason. We are each intended to be here. There are NO “accidents “. You are not an accident! Unfortunately, as humans, we all suffer. We were not put here without purpose. Because having a purpose is SO important to our existence, when we feel that we have no purpose or that our purpose is lost, is when we are the most miserable. We can all have miserable times in life and I think we all do. Write down anything in life that makes you happy. Think about those things. Then think about them some more. Don’t be afraid to dream. If there is anyone you love, think about them. This can be something you can try. If you don’t love yourself, picture the person you love, as yourself. Take the things that you want in your life and make this project for this person that you love. Does that make sense? I sometimes try to do that with myself. I think sometimes other people are more valuable than myself. Truth is, we all have value. We all have value and purpose! What will your purpose be? It’s OK to not know. You can certainly explore the possibilities. There are possibilities on two sides. There are ONLY two sides. Do you know what they are? Good & evil. That’s it! Pretty simple. Really puts things into perspective, doesn’t it?
I want to tell you about something else that I think can really help you. It’s a stress adaptogen. It’s called Rhodiola. It is an herb and you can get it in a capsule at the health food store. What a stress adaptogen does is helps your body deal with stress better. I found out about it a while ago. Vitamins and supplements are totally my thing so when I walked into the health food store this time, I was super stressed! I was stressed to the point where I couldn’t think straight. When I walked in, the guy asked me- can I help you? I would normally say- no I’m good and just walk around like it was a candy store. This time was different. I think he saw my face and I probably looked like a deer in headlights. I said, yeah, I’m super stressed out, I already take B-complex, what else can I take? So he walks me right over to the shelf with the Rhodiola on it, picked it up and said this is really good, explained what it was and told me that he takes it. There were two strengths and of course I took the stronger one. I took one immediately after leaving the store and went to work. Not long into my day, I realized I felt lighter, the edge was gone, I had mental clarity and I was laughing.
This is the product I used. Worth a try! It will definitely help with Anxiety! I’ve told lots of people about it and it really works. I hope you will try it and have some relief.
https://www.amazon.com/New-Chapter-Endurance-Adaptogen-Ingredients/dp/B0015R2D0M?psc=1&SubscriptionId=AKIAILSHYYTFIVPWUY6Q&tag=duckduckgo-iphone-20&linkCode=xm2&camp=2025&creative=165953&creativeASIN=B0015R2D0M
I have one more thing for you. This song. I love it and I hope you will too!
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=9PugD11k3JU
I want nothing but the best for you!
God bless you!!
Reading this made me cry but thank you for reaching out! I was using CBD but it’s ineffective sometimes so I’m going to give Rhodiola a shot… and thank you for taking the time it has actually boosted my desires of hope…
You made my night! God bless you!
You’re welcome 🙂
Please let me know how the Rhodiola works for you!