I hate my life.
I hate who I am.
I hate how I’ve wasted so many years of my life.
I hate that I’m too afraid to do anything.
I hate that I’m not really good at much at anything.
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Well I was going to say welcome to the club and this website eternaldarkness. But after clicking on your name and seeing that your posts are multiples (and have been a member much longer than me), I feel quite awkward. I guess welcome to the site me instead.
Just finished looking at a documentary called “The Monopoly On Violence”. It discusses statism and freedom (amongst other things). I am a strong proponent of freedom from the state. But I came to the realization that if full freedom was given a.k.a anarchy (no central authority) then I would have died a long time ago in the streets. Would have never reached my current age. Because, just like you, I have no real skill or passion in anything. And no will to correct or even at least improve. A lot of speakers, you can see they are passionate, they have skills, they have a purpose, they are going somewhere with success, and they will be remembered throughout history. So even the beliefs I hold dear (freedom, free markets, capitalism, etc) are in complete opposite to my physical person. I am a living contradiction. I am wondering: maybe suicide is natural selection? Maybe the meaning of my life is to serve as a warning for others. I know I have heard that from somewhere else…
Yes, it’s the lack of will that is the problem. I don’t care to live, yet cannot pull the trigger, so to speak.
I am not even trying to better my life at this point. I am not doing anything to help myself, other than mope and cry and be depressed and do nothing. I feel like a useless lump of coal…
Bought a second vehicle about 4 years ago and A LOT of things to install in it. Well, still not completed. No will to complete it. Reality sunk in, another project I started but will not complete. What a waste of cash. It is kind of a self worsening loop. Get depressed, look at unfinished project, get more depress, rinse and repeat. I know myself now. The only projects I can finish are those in the range of: cleaning my apartment, taking a shower, doing laundry, getting up in the morning and going to work, eating, sleeping, watching online documentaries, those kind of short projects. Anything else (lasting more than a few hours), way out of my league. I would like to say I am a mediocre individual. But even that would be an insult to mediocre peoples. So to answer my own inquiry, I decided to complete a quick search on the Internet and found the following ladder of adjectives in order:
Abysmal, Awful, Bad, Poor, Mediocre, Fair, Good, Great, Excellent, Amazing, Phenomenal.
Abysmal. Now that is a word I will remember.
Well, you can always change your handle to Abysmal here on SP instead of fxd45tsp.
I like your dry humour. Well, at least you’re ‘mediocre.’ I can’t even manage to clean my house or go to work, so you’re ahead there.
Changing my name to Abysmal, that would require effort. And that would depress me even more, knowing I could not muster the energy to do so. Just… too… depressing… But I know deep down, it would actually be appropriate.
Well, even in what I do, I massively procrastinate, until I have no other choice. For example, I only clean my apartment when I cannot take a few steps without accidentally kicking a lot of dust bunnies around (a few are OK though). Or when the mold that has grown under the toilet seat actually takes over the top. So if I am ahead, I am not ahead by very much.
As for my dry humor, I just hope I do not drive anyone from this site to the thinkable (known as unthinkable by non-depressed people). I would feel really bad about that.
Kinda nice though. I can do jokes on this site without being judged or banned (yet). I shudder of thinking about displaying my humor on any other website than this one.
They say to be grateful for the little things. I am grateful each day to have one day less. Man, that’s backwards, but that’s how it is.
Wow, that’s something new I haven’t heard before. Interesting twist on gratefulness O_o.
I second that. So true. Maybe you do not want to mention this to anyone in the street. They might catch-on to your deeper self. Or they will flee in panic. Either way, not good.