Sometimes I think that I’m better off by myself. I keep thinking about all the times I’ve tried and failed to just talk to people. The times I tried to join in on a conversation, but no one heard me (or maybe they were ignoring me…). I don’t feel like I have the ability to connect with people. I actually used to have friends, but neither of them talk to me anymore.

I do enjoy being by myself sometimes. And I guess there are some benefits to being by myself. I read an article the other day in my English class. It was about the benefits of being single as a teenager. I feel like many of those benefits also apply to being friendless, like avoiding drama, saving money, not having to worry about keeping in touch post-HS, etc. It’s much less stressful to be by myself as well.

However, I can’t beat the instinct inside me that desires connection. Just like I can’t beat the instinct to stay alive. I wish I could have the “high school experience”, I want to be able to goof off with friends, I want someone to go to prom with (even if it’s in a platonic way), and I don’t want to sit alone at lunch.

I feel bad about being the way I am. I feel so humiliated when my teacher has to force me into someone’s group when we do group projects. I feel sad when I hear people talk about their friends. Some streamer I watch described himself as a “loser in high school” and that he didn’t have *many* friends. That made me feel so terrible because I don’t even have one friend. I’m beyond a loser.

I do recognize that this is mainly my own fault. I have tried to make friends, I’ve joined clubs and tried to smile at people I see. But my problem is that I don’t like to do hard things. I won’t take the initiative to try to become someone’s friend because I’m scared. I mostly hope that someone will take the initiative first, which is stupid, I know.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this. I guess I feel conflicted. I could just take the easy way and stay a loner, or I could put some effort in and try to make friends.