i feel great now

I just took a dump and the empty feeling usually last for a solid 10 minutes, so ten minutes of bliss to get all of this out.

I decided yesterday to quit smoking and masturbating, to go back to who I was 3 years ago. I’ve an active imagination and I view my mind as a cockpit. There are voices about but for the most part, my pilot is in control. 3 years and I thought I was in control, but little did I know that my pilot was actually my lizard brain. 3 years spent on myself, finding pleasure, “finding myself”. All that happened though is that I recognized who I was. I’ve always been here; what I really did these last few years was let my lizard brain have his way.

The image in my mind was always of a smaller version of my physical human body piloting, but I’m not a man; I’m not this body. I’m still who I was 3 years ago, but I relinquished control to my lizard brain.

I always wished that a demon would possess me and just have its way with my body because of how depressed/suicidal I am, but now that I recgonize it’s happening, I feel uneasy.

When I imagine my cockpit now, I see a lizard man in astronaut suit piloting, and he’s got a little puppy on his lap. I’m the puppy, the scared little bugger that gave up on life. I gave my lizard brain control and said “take me”, and he is now, I recognize it.. So I’m going to go with it.

No more thinking like a human being. I basically told my best friend yesterday to fuck off and I feel good about it, or neutral.

I don’t need the same things to live and be happy as other people because I’m not a person. I’ve devolved; psychopathy isn’t the evolution I claimed it to be. I recognize now, I let myself get this way. I feel uneasy because I’m still on the fence about how to be(and cause I haven’t eaten at all today; save for some broccoli).

I don’t think I’m worth much; the puppy I am is constantly abused by the cast of people surrounding me. The puppy is oversensitive and just doesn’t seem to get it. He’s naive; I’m naive. But I don’t have to be. Sumer says that the universe is dissolving in small chunks. I couldn’t just flip a switch and let my lizard brain take over; it had to be this gradual deviation from the norm. I hit the wall yesterday when I was faced with the thought that I’m no longer the same as I was 3 years ago. Mission Accomplished.

I’m not giving up anything, I want it all and I’ll get it all. I’m going to use every thing at my disposal until they’re all used up. I’m gonna suck everything dry; I WANT YOUR FUCKING ENERGY!

(it’s so funny that I didn’t see it before, despite the fact that I was preaching it. I couldn’t just throw away my morals and beliefs and upbringing; it HAD to be this slow burn)

Correction; I hit the door. I thought I hit the wall with how far I could continue living the way I do, but no, it was a door to the next stage of my degradation. I’m going to use everything, everything.