I just slept for a long time, but all I can say is that right now I feel exhausted.
I’m tired of everything in my life at the moment.
I’m tired of the endless monotony of school and exams. I have a countdown to summer in my Planner, but knowing I still have 95 days does not do a lot to comfort me.
I’m tired of people, and the person I’m expected to be.
I’m tired of myself, and the person I’m too afraid to be.
I’m tired of the fact that everywhere I’m just not good enough anymore.
I can’t do anything properly and just fuck it all up when I try. Everything I touch falls apart and I can’t seem to make a friend without eventually self-destructing the friendship. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before I lose my current friends.
I just stand around feeling so useless all the time.
NOTHING WORKS ANYMORE!
And I’m just so fucking angry and upset with everything.
All I want is to go to sleep tonight and never wake up. I would give anything for an eternity of dreamless sleep, but I can’t kill myself because then I’d screw things up for my family and be remembered as the fucked up girl who gave up.
Thing is, I’m getting more and more tempted to just go to the doctor’s, gradually collect a lethal dose of sleeping pills, then take them all at once before bed.
And I can’t tell anyone this, partly because I don’t like people knowing my secrets and partly because I’m afraid that they’d do something to take the freedom I have to just disappear away. I need the possibility of release, whether I ever go through with it or not.
Basically, I’m a screwed up teenager and I’m concerned that I’m losing my battle with life. If I do end up dead soon, I won’t have killed me, life will have…
..because that’s what life does, really. Life kills us all slowly. Sometimes it takes us away due to illness, unpredicted catastrophes and the actions of others. Other times life takes us away by filling our heads with dark thoughts as a result of our fucked up world.
So either way, life will kill me one of these days. I often ask myself why I bother waiting for it to.
4 comments
i know how u feel
Work on your sleeping schedule. Oversleeping and messing with your internal clock makes you feel terrible (it happens to me sometimes) and gives you headaches (no wonder you’re not productive, you’re not feeling well). If you feel miserable, then you should exercise. It’s a stress reliever, helps build confidence, seeing your toned beautiful body develop will make you happy (your changing for the better), and maybe you will meet someone during a jog or at the gym. Life is what you want it to be, If you want to think of life as a hell (then it will be), it can get better if you try. Sometimes I think death never comes to those who want it (like me) so you might as well stop waiting and do something fun in your life. It’s like being on a 14 hour flight; you need to keep yourself busy!
it’s like you understand me… life is exhausting isn’t it.
You have no idea on how much I can relate!!!!