the Cutter

the Cutter

It feels a little tender at first, hot as blood rushes to greet the sharp edge of your relief.
You promised yourself you wouldn’t, but the pain is just to much, inside. If only you can find a balance, a balance between the lonely suffering of your internal hell and the sharp, clean, slice of your external shell. Deeper this time then ever before. You must dig deeper to let it out. Your inner hell, red in its anger, hot liquid in its trespass.
The blade slices, a dance of blood lights it’s way, your focus follows it, watching. You feel almost outside o your own skin, watching as you desecrate the skin temple of your birth. Your thoughts rushing in as blood rushes out. What if someone sees your insane artwork? What if no one ever sees? Can’t someone please notice! I’m dying over here! But I’m just not dying fast enough…

Cutting is not suicide.
Cutting is a coping mechanism.
This type of coping can become like practicing for suicide and the scars can scare others away.

How does it work? Why?

Cutting is a self harm behavior that works on many levels;

Cutting let’s you take internal pain and visualize it outside of your body.
Cutting releases natural pain killers in your brain, this rush of endorphins and neurotransmitters helps to block emotional pain as well as physical.
Cutting plays into negative self talk about identity and worth; I hate myself so I should hurt so I will hurt myself.
Over time your cutting may escalate as your body gets accustomed to it.
Cutting can lead to suicide, there is real danger even if that was not your original intention.
Cutting appears to affect young people more so than old and has an aspect of peer learning to it, kids learn it from others.

Should you stop cutting?

It can be hard to stop self harming, especially if you have nothing to replace it with.
If you just stop immediately you may find your anxiety rising and your negative self talk increasing. It’s like a cycle, cutting relieves internal pain, but can makes you feel bad about yourself so you stop, but then you hurt inside and feel worse for needing to cut.

The key is to find another behavior to help substitute dangerous self harm practices.
This is much aided by the help of a therapist!

Since cutting hurts and releases natural brain pain killers, any other behavior can help replace it in a safe way;

Exercise, yup, lift weights, run, swim, knock yourself out, your brain will give you a shot of painkillers and you can burn through your need for pain, all the while feeling better about yourself. Find a Mentor to help you work hard when you work out.

Masturbate, yup I said it again, it’s your body kids, play with it. Self stimulation releases many of the same natural pain killers and is much safer than cutting, no you won’t go blind!

Hurt yourself in safer ways. Try drinking a little hot sauce or wasabi, try snapping a rubber band on yourself. Try pinching. Anything that creates some pain without so much harm is better, again a therapist can help with this.

Talk to a doctor, try medication. Anti depressant and anti anxiety meds can help alleviate the need to cut, they can take weeks to kick in so have patience.

Learn to stop all your negative self talk give yourself a break from self hate, read my post called “the Voice”.

Advocate, explain, let people know why you cut. Explain how it helps you. I know it’s tough to find someone to listen with out judging, but you are worth it!

Taking care of yourself through depression, cutting and suicidal ideation is a complex process. You will need help, you deserve help.

I have written many posts here to help you learn about the struggle you may be facing;

the Voice
the Black Velvet Curtain
the Mentor
the Queer
the Symptom Bearer
the Children of Earth
the Plan

Find them,
Read them,
Learn from me.

I am the Guardian, my time here is brief.
Before I am gone I will share the path to healing, the Circle Path.

Om shanti