I need help

May 31, 2012
9:30 p.m
I feel nothing. I feel useless, dull, and dead. I want to die. I’ve thought of dying. I need help. I NEED HELP! I have so much work to do I feel like I’m drowning, I feel empty. I feel like I have no emotions, I feel lifeless, that my life has no meaning. Nobody understands, at least I don’t think so. They all say it will get better or to suck it up. I can’t suck it up; my body and mind are betraying me! I know intellectually that I need to do things but then my mind and body say no. Sometimes I think that if I were dead it would be better, for everyone. I feel like I’m useless and that I’m letting everyone down. I’ve fucked everything up. I’m letting myself down. Nobody has asked if I was okay, all they talk about is the work I’m missing, or how to fix it. Not if I’m okay. I’m not okay, I want to die, and I’m scared. I’m so scared. I’m so scared all the time. I need help and I can’t help myself. I don’t want to tell my counselor, she can be annoying. I feel like I’m in hell, but I don’t understand why. My life isn’t bad, school isn’t bad, and I’m not a bad person per say. Why me?! I had dreams, now I feel nothing. I have no goals, I don’t care. I’M SCARED!! HELP ME!!!!!!!!!! I don’t know what to do, the “happy” pills aren’t making me happy, the exercise isn’t making me happy, me trying to be positive isn’t making me happy. I just want to die, I NEED to die. But I don’t have the guts to do it. Help… Why won’t anyone try! Nobody asks me if I’m okay, they say that I just need to push through it but I can’t. I just want to die. To end it. To end the pain, the humiliation of my own deterioration. To end all the work, the stress, the uselessness. I hate myself. I hate myself SO much. I want everyone to hate me to, just so I almost have an excuse, but they don’t. All they see are lies, an act. Underneath that smile and laugh is someone who is acting, all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. I feel so stressed all the time but my body won’t let me do the work, I want to, but I can’t. I’m being betrayed by myself! All my teachers see is a fucked up student who is missing work, doesn’t do homework, and is a failure. What they don’t see is someone who is falling apart. I feel like I’m dying, my mind anyway. All my friends see is the person who doesn’t go to school, the fuck-up, the “happy inappropriate one”, the smart one. What they don’t ask me, ever, is if I’m okay. All they care about is that I wasn’t there, like I was a statue. It hurts, so bad. What they don’t see is a friend who needs them, someone who needs someone to talk to. I need someone. I need a friend for once; I’ve always been there for them! Why can’t they be there for me? I hate it. My parents, they try to understand. They say they’ve been here but honestly I find that impossible. The way I think is different anyway so this is just too much. They want to help me but somehow they make it worse. They try not to nag me but they do, I can feel the pressure. All they see is a fuck-up too. I’m sorry. I’M SO SORRY. They got a fucked up kid who they didn’t deserve. My sisters got a fucked up sister who they didn’t deserve. I’m a mistake, not meant to be. I’m useless, just a number. I need help, or I need to die. I can’t live like this, I really can’t handle it. All I want to do is just take a ton of medication, and just go to sleep. But, I don’t have the balls. I’m weak. I’m stupid. I’m useless. I don’t deserve to live on this planet. I don’t deserve anything. I’m nothing, nobody. Why can’t anyone see me? If I tell anyone they’ll only think that I want attention, so why bother. Maybe I should just drop off the face of the earth, they’ll get over it. I’ve seen people get over it. Call me selfish, whatever. You don’t feel the way I do, and I bet you never will. Everyone’s experience is different. Help me, I’m scared, and I feel so alone.
10:15 p.m