Unsure and tired

I dont know where to start.  I’ve been trying to deal with my depression for a long time now and no matter what i just cant be happy.  There are a lot of things that have happened to me and my family in the last few years that contribute to my depression.  Suicide is always something that crosses my mind everyday.  And i don’t know if i want to do it or not.

I guess i could start talking about my family and how they contribute to my demise.  First off theres my brother (i wont use his real name so he will be ‘mike’ for this” mike is a multiple felon who no matter what cant seem to get his act straight.  He has been in and out of correctional facilities for over a third of his life. This isnt what makes me depressed, in fact i dont give a damn about mike at all. He pisses me of with no end.  But its the things he does that effects the rest of my family which in turn effects me.  My grandparents get it the worst, and they are the only people in my immediate family that i actually care about anymore.  My grandmother deals with depression a lot because of Mike.  She also talks about suicide often, but she is doing a little better now.  But it kills me to see her so heart broken because of her grandchildren.  As if her heart needs anymore trouble. She has a heart murmur that threatens to end her life any day now.  And the chance that her cancer will come back. That scares the shit out of me. And she takes everything to heart when its about the family.  Her daughter (my so called mother) hasn’t even talked to her in over a year now because of the things my mother has done.  That is how mike effects me and my depression.

My other brother (i’ll call him Charles) Charles is a freeloader, and always has been.  Charles doesnt effect me too much other than the fact that he is a good brother to me and no matter what he does he keeps fucking his life up.  I want nothing but good for him, but i cant do anything about it, and that feeling of hopelessness is horrible.  His actions also effect my family in a few different ways. One reason is that he is a kleptomaniac, it doesnt matter who it is or for what reason, he will take whatever he wants.  Charles has personaly stolen over one thousand dollars from me alone in the past five years.  This bothers me but money isnt all that important to me.  I’m just worried that one of these times he is going to steal from the wrong person and get himself hurt.

Now there in my sister (she will be Nancy) Nancy is simply a *****.  Though she has a daughter that is equal to an angel, she doesnt give a damn about anyone but herself. Nancy has brought depression to everyone in the family because of her choices in life. But again theres nothing i can do to help her. She is on her own.  Another person to feel helpless about.

My parents (cuntface and fuckface) are another story in whole, so i will keep it short.  They both worked together to destroy my family by causing a great deal of drama.  I hate them both and wish for them to rot in hell forever for what they have done.  But again hopeless.

Then there is the love of my life (i dont want to give her a different name) Shaneal. She is the only reason i dont kill myself. But then again, she may very well be the main reason why i want to.  Its not her fault though, its mine.  We were together for about 8 to 9 months, i was happier than ever.  Then on the last month for reasons unknown to me, i chose to break up with her.  not a month afterwards i finally realized what i had done, that i had lost my love.  So i tried to commit suicide twice in one week.  First i hung myself. Rope broke. The next attempt was drowning; which i have drowned over 6 times in my life.  The reason i chose to drown myself is because the most peaceful moments of my life were the moments when i was drowning.  But after i had taken that breath of water and my lungs were full, my friend had found me.  I promised him that i would never do it again, and i havent yet.  But its still one of my favorite options. Anyways getting a little off subject.  Recently Shaneal and I have been talking and spending time with each other again. We are best friends all over again. We have even fooled around a few times. But she still just calls me her “friend”. Still, i am hopelessly in love with her. But i’m not sure if she feels the same way.  Cant blame her though, i did break her heart. But all i want in life is her love.

What i’m trying to process is what i should do.  Stay alive and try to get my family and my girl back? Or just end my suffering altogether…

If i cant have the happieness i once knew than i dont wish to be alive to stay miserable for the rest of my life.

Sorry for the long post, there is still more i could have written but i don’t want to take too much of your time. And don’t worry I haven’t recommit-ed myself to committing suicide just yet. Thank you for your time, and if you could give me some advise i’d be very appreciative.