Yay for the site being back up again!
Thank you, to the admins who fixed whatever was wrong.
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Short version of story:
Met strange guy in dark parking lot alone.
Trusted humanity.
Had a panic attack later.
Lived to post about it.
Incredibly long winded version of story:
I was sitting in my car just getting ready to go home Wednesday night after soaking up the free WiFi. The place was closed, and everyone else had already left. I had just a couple things left to do, and then I was going to leave…..
But then I noticed a guy walking across the parking lot, headed straight for me.
He looked a little stressed out.
I didn’t know whether to communicate with him or drive away.
If this had […]
What my brain apparently told me today:
1. Get a small coffee but refill it way more times than you should. Repeat until hands tremble, and blinking no longer makes logical sense.
2. Hold the nearest pencil without dropping it, and draw a picture of Alan Ominous’s avatar on the back of your receipt.
(His avatar is “Crazy Eyes” from the Adam Sandler movie “Mr. Deeds”. Google it to see a plethora of eyes going in separate directions.)
3. Stop after 40 minutes, no matter how BAD the drawing looks. Ignore the buzzing sound in your head as you take a picture of the drawing and post it […]
Since Hazy painted a picture of one of my avatars, I figured you might as well see the full-size version.
For better or worse:
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Thank you for the surprise, Hazy.
And believe me it was a giant surprise. 😮
LOL.
Had doctor appointment today.
Got the Amitryptaline increased from 75 to 100.
The doctor did the usual cover-your-butt questions, including “Have you had any suicidal thoughts?”
I shook my head as if to say “No, of course not, what a silly thing to ask.”
Because only a fool would say “As a matter of fact, YES! Hahahha! Funny you should mention that! I was just waiting for you to ask! Here’s a song I wrote that I’d like played at my funeral! Do you like it? Does it need more cello?”
Stayed awake most of the night.
I am in a dark brainspace for awhile.
I wrote this.
Sometimes my angsty pieces are a loud shout, and sometimes they’re merely a whimper, like this.
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http://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/Locked-Away.mp3
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I call it “Locked Away”.
Meaning, the things I need for my personal peace and joy have possibly been permanently locked away from me.
It’s late enough that probably everyone has gone to sleep or is out partying in that fuzzy world where beer helps us forget everything else.
But I’ll just post this anyway, to help myself think.
About 3 months ago, I posted THIS about a guy in our symphony who died. (Possibly/probably suicide).
His memorial service was last Thursday (they kept him on ice an extra long time because they had to wait for his brother to get home from overseas).
Since he was an excellent trumpet player, I’ve been trying to think of a way to pay tribute to that by composing a piece we can […]
It’s Friday again
Speedy metal cages roll
Traffic is insane
I can barely think
Radioactive jello
My brain has become
Other people buzz
Mindless roaches scattering
To their party life
I stay in one piece
A dark room behind my eyes
Craving solitude
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http://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/Buzz-Fall.mp3
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Stayed up all night long writing this.
I had an ocean of black coffee yesterday, plus I probably took more Tramadol than I should have (yeah, I know. I know).
So as long as I was in that weird kind of headspace, I decided to write some music, just to hear what that part of my brain sounds like.
Apparently it sounds like a snake charmer had a drunken affair with a nervous kangaroo.
Weird.
Those of you who saw my “Sushi-In-A-Desert” picture may have noticed this in the comments:
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Um.
At some point on Sunday evening, I realized I couldn’t resist.
Samurai eating pizza in a bowling alley with an ancient Greek priestess.
Here:
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If you read the comments on Alan’s post last night, you saw he requested a picture of a china doll and a honey badger eating sushi on a surfboard in the desert.
Actually it was a request for Hazy, but I decided I would try it too.
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For about ten years I wore a pair of hematite rings.
Usually they don’t last that long because they can be brittle.
Mine finally broke awhile back, and I enjoyed searching for a suitable replacement.
Something which was interesting but still dark and angsty.
I decided on this. I think it’s pewter.
Gotta love the all-enveloping claws of doom.
I wear it every day.
Another pencil-and-paper sketch.
Originally I had it the other way around, with things exploding upward out of the box, but eventually I decided I liked it better upside down. Exploding upward requires an amount of energy I just don’t have, but gravity works whether I want it to or not.
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Here’s something our symphony played awhile back.
It’s called “Ghost Train”.
Creepy haunting angsty stuff.
http://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/Ghost_Train.mp3
I mentioned in an earlier post that I wanted to try sketching some things.
I couldn’t find an app that did what I needed, so I just drew on a sheet of paper and took a picture of it.
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I haven’t taken any art classes, and I realize this is nothing compared to the amazing things some of you have posted.
Still I’d like to keep working on some projects, and maybe I will get better as time goes on.
If nothing else, maybe this (plus my […]
I got a new tablet recently (Samsung Galaxy Tab “S”), and I’m interested in finding an app that will let me try to draw things.
Can any of you recommend a good FREE app for this?
I see a number of options in the app store but don’t know what ones are trash. The ones I’ve tried so far have been disappointing.
All I want to do is sketch things and doodle, then save the picture so I can post it here if it’s not too horrible.
I tried one called “Sketch Guru” but it didn’t work so I uninstalled it.
There was another one called “Sketchbook” by Autodesk which […]
Here’s my latest project, finished last Sunday.
It’s supposed to reflect the upheaval and turbulence of needing answers to certain things, but not having those answers– and coming to terms with the possibility of never having them.
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http://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/Not-Knowing-2.mp3
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Title: Not Knowing
Key: C-minor
Meter: 7/8
Instrumentation: Violin, Viola, Cello, Bass, Piano
For those of you who can read a score, here’s a screencap of the last five measures:
It means:
“I will either FIND a way out, or MAKE one.”
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I like the dual meaning it has here, since the “way out” can either be suicide, or a path away from suicide.
Possible problem.
Last night I logged off and went to bed hours earlier than usual. I laid there and cried for what was probably an hour before falling asleep.
When I woke up today, I found that a friend had emailed me 20 minutes after I’d logged off. The email was brief and very desperate sounding, begging me to be there and answer. This friend has been in a suicidal mindset for quite a few months now; possibly even longer. Lately they’ve gotten more and more serious about it.
I […]