Have you seen Avatar? Not the cartoon but the giant blue people. No? Well, if you have time and are looking for a good movie, you should take some time to watch it. In the movie, Jake and Natiri go on an adventure and slowly being to “see” each other. It’s not a matter of having sight. It’s a matter of being able to see into someone. You can see their soul and true self and you can show an immense respect for someone because you see them. This is a notion I’ve always had. I care only for the beauty of your soul and […]
So, if you’ve been following me at all…I’m out of the hospital and living alone in my apartment. People are still in denial that anything ever happened. Tonight is the first night that i’m not under watchful eye. So guess what I decided to do? I decided to go out and about and enjoy the cool night air. I drove to my campus and parked as normal. As I was backing out of my parking space after I had enough night air and a people dart out behind me. I hit my brakes and another car comes flying past me, so I shove it in […]
Well, it’s been about two weeks. As with most things in life, I failed to remove myself from it. A week in the hospital and the doctors are still calling it an accidental overdose. I think that they are in denial. How could “someone with so much to live for and so much going on possibly want to kill themselves. It doesn’t add up.” At least, that’s what they’ve been telling themselves. I can go home tomorrow. My kidney’s are recovering though I’ll be on alert the rest of my life, however long or short that is, to make up for the damage caused by […]
I worked myself stupid last year for an organization that was going under. I literally spent 56 hours working with no breaks and no sleep. You would think that the women who profited from my work, would spare an hour to come to my birthday celebration? Fuck. They don’t even have to come for an hour. Just show up and say hi. That’s all. I really wish I could articulate how hurt I am that I will be spending my 21st birthday…alone. What is the point of working hard on relationships if there is no gain to them? Why kill myself worrying over if i’m […]
I was foolish to think that I could have a happy birthday. In what world would I ever deserve one day where nothing went wrong? One day where I could feel happy and celebrate 21 years of surviving depression, anxiety, and just overall shitty life? No. It would be my last huge milestone birthday that would just take the cake. No pun intended… Happy fucking 21st birthday to me! Complete with family drama, friends telling me I’m a piece of shit, and being spat on for trying to help. I am so sorry world. If I am that much of a disappointment and hassel, I’ll […]
I don’t know what is wrong with me. I don’t feel like I have control over my body anymore. I don’t feel like I have control over anything. I want to cry…scream, shout. Something…I have all of this…this emotion built up inside of me and each one wants to get out. One minute I’m happy and the next I’m enraged. I’m sad and frustrated. I want company and I want to be left the fuck alone. I need to talk and yet, I need to shut up all together as well. I just need to stop existing for a while until I can get a […]
I’m sure that most of the world has heard that Robin Williams has passed away by asphyxiation. He died by suicide. Most of us on here are no stranger to depression and suicidal thoughts/tendencies. I’d be willing to guess that everyone here would be understanding but a curious thing happened with Robin’s passing. There has been so much attention on his passing and this “new” mysterious illness that magically gained relevance. Of course, it’s not new and it’s been real for so very long.
I have no right to go on and on about how much I will miss Mr. Williams and how he will forever […]
If you don’t like to hear ranting, this isn’t the post for you. Like the title suggests, I just needed an outlet where my father couldn’t read and use my words against me.
So, I learned of my acceptance as a university employee back in March of this year. I told my father that I would be getting an apartment and that I would do this and that. Well by April, I had moved in and gotten settled. I realized that the university hadn’t provided certain things like they had originally said they would. The only thing I really care about is the couch. I was […]
Lately, I’ve found myself feeling more lonely than before but I really can’t complain. My eyes have been opened to many different observations. Right now, I’d just like to rant about one in particular. I can post a blog on here, and usually I get about 5-10 comments of support or people asking questions, etc. Point being, someone will reply. Maybe not right away, but someone will take the time to make an effort. I greatly appreciate it.
However, most people in real life have friends or at least concerned aquaintences..right? Majority of people…So, over the course of the past week or two, I’ve been getting […]
I’m not trying to use reverse psychology or guilt anyone here. I seriously am saying, “Don’t mind me…” I just want to complain for a couple sentences to make myself feel better. If you don’t wanna read the complaints of a tired, sick, and crabby person, keep moving. Don’t mind me.
I become very very needy when I am sick. I’ve begun to notice that as I sit here constantly complaining about being frozen and then instantly throwing blankets off because I’m too hot. I “LOVE” being sick…<—That was sarcasm. I think i’ve settled on the notion that i’ve got the flu. Yippie! End sarcasm. Every […]
So, my mother posted an image on my facebook wall that went along the lines of, “We need to teach our daughters the difference between a man that controls you, and a man that looks out for her best interests, etc. etc.” It went on for several lines of teaching daughters the difference between this and that. Aside from the multitude of social issues the image presents, my response to the image was, “How about I just focus on my career and not put my self-worth into another human being. How about I measure my life and worth in accomplishments? Problem solved.”
She retorted with how […]
Being alone and being lonely are completely different notions. Being alone is the act of being secluded or apart from other human beings…Being lonely is the emotional detatchment you get from having no emotional connections. You can be in a stadium full of people and still be lonely. That is what I am, lonely. I revel in being alone. I love it. I can walk around my apartment naked if I really wanted to and there would be no one to complain but myself. And up until recently, I never minded be lonely, either. But now, I’m losing sight of any real reason to continue. […]
Lately, I’ve felt no emotion. My mind had put a serious lockdown on any type of feeling or emotion that I had. I did what was necessary to get through the day. Well..that is until today. Today, one of my “friends” pissed me off beyond belief. Now, I can feel every emotion that has been bottled up for weeks. I am in a downward spiral and I can’t stop.
My life is a thrill ride, I swear. Three weeks ago, I had friends checking in on me to see if I had killed myself, yet…A week ago, I was on top of the world. I was feeling great. I had no worries and didn’t even feel the back twinge of depression. Now, I’m back down. This time, I feel like I was tossed off a skyscraper and the impact is forever engraved into my bones. I am back to not feeling any type of emotion except apathy and sadness. I am at a loss and I don’t know if I can crawl out of […]
This post isn’t about having a bad day…It’s quite the opposite, actually! I’ve noticed that SP has become quite a staple in my life. Aside from one thing that set me off today, I’ve had a marvelously wonderful day. This is actually the first time that I’ve been happy for an extended period of time in…well, a long long time. I am currently content. I’ve begun to find some motivation to do the things that I need to when previously my depression had kept me from doing them.
SP, I owe you. I am happy.
It’s strange. I am not exactly what you’d call a thin person, nor am I tragically obese. In reference to fruit, I would say that I am an apple. I’m large around the midsection. It would be safe to assume that I don’t run…or exercise daily. I’m not a fitness nut nor am I terribly unhealthy. In fact, I’m quite average. I can walk a mile in 10 minutes flat, which doesn’t sound like much to some but I know people who are, 1/24th my size and they couldn’t walk a mile in 10 minutes if their life depended on it.
Lately, my sleep schedule has […]
Do you ever feel a nagging feeling of emptiness and disappointment? At first it’s small and easily ignored. Then, it grows and becomes a weight on your shoulders until it bogs you down til you cannot move. Do you ever feel so depressed and lost that any relationships or interactions seem like so much work and effort? You don’t even feel connections anymore. You just feel empty…moving through the actions without much thought. It all seems like ceremony anymore.
I feel like this everyday and I don’t know how to escape. I no longer feel love, compassion, sympathy, hate, anger…nothing. All I feel is an odd […]
I was able to hang out with a friend, more like sister, that I haven’t seen in what seems like forever. In reality, it was a few months but to us, it felt like lifetimes. We used to see each other every day. She is my sorority sister and we were colleagues. She left the job that we shared because of mistreatment so we didn’t get to see each other every day. Well, we both knew how difficult the job is so we would take turns doing something every week for each other. It helped keep our sanity and our depression in check. Well, she […]
I’ve spent the last 48 hours sitting, walking, cooking…Not hungry. I start pacing. Hello panic attacks…Nothing is really helping. Someone shared a suicide story on Facebook. Great, I decided to watch it. I”m completely beside myself. I go to youtube in the hopes of listening to some music that will help and I find more “suicide hope” videos. Yeah…I’m filled with the hope of an end someday. They all seem to outline my issues in a glorified, filtered image.
Another panic attack. My heart is going to give out before I can commit at this point. I’ve started to cross into the realm of being so […]
Despite watching everything in my life crumble and dissintigrate into nothing around me, my best friend from home decides to text me out of the blue. After handling her crisis, she says to me, ” You have always been the strongest and most grounded person I have ever known and will ever know.” What she doesn’t know is her text stopped me from inhaling a rather large handful of assorted pills. Her comment…I don’t know if I feel more ashamed for wanted to take my life or if I feel better for knowing that I can keep my fading life under control for other people.
I […]