Every decision that I have made each mistake and failure in my life is floating around inside my head. The fact that i’m emotionally disconnected because I’m terrified of feeling anymore more pain. I don’t want anyone not even my ex and deep down I think I still love him. I still talk to him I still see him and I’m sure that’s a big mistake on my part. But I can’t let go maybe it’s because I’m afraid, maybe I like remembering the good. Its unhealthy I know that, but I seriously think that there is something wrong with me mentally. Is it wrong […]
Life is messed up that has been pretty obvious to me, yet I still find myself hurt about it. I don’t know why I hope why I even care? I’m slowly shutting down, I care less and less about any and everything.This year has been the worst of my life thus far, I’ve lost so much and there is this aching pain inside. I lost family and friends and a significant other all in a matter of months back to back. There is literally nothing left in me not a damn thing I wouldn’t care if my own family died if what little friends I […]
Loved someone with every ounce of your existence? And despite how you feel, have that person and people around you tell you that it isn’t really love. I admit it I am controlling, not because I had no control over my childhood or anything like that. But because I want to control the pain that I will feel. I didn’t and still don’t want to feel any type of love for anyone because I don’t want to hurt. I never trusted anyone I built the biggest of walls and yet one person got through to me. It was magic it was love it was the […]
I’ve been waiting for years, for just a little bit of peace in my life. I have been trying to find my way, to make different decisions to help better my life. I have cut out a lot of negative people from my life, and despite having done that I’m still not happy not even a little. It feels like I’m in some sort of in between, sometimes I look up and see my life and wonder how I got here. I started crying again because I just don’t understand why I can’t find peace. I can’t stop loving or missing people from my past, […]
Life has always pushed me right to the edge and sometimes over the edge but just enough to let me cling. It’s hard its exhausting I have given up and sometimes still want to. I don’t really love myself or care about myself, I just try to make decisions with my best interest or to my benefit I guess. But I’m empty and inside me is a pain so great that everyday lately it’s a battle to try to keep it boxed up. It sucks to be this way to be aware of the pain your hiding and feel numb to not care if you […]
There is this internal conflict that keeps occurring more and more frequently. My feelings are trying to resurface and my numbness is trying to fight it away. I have the strangest dreams but they reflect those feelings I won’t allow myself to feel when I’m awake. When I’m dreaming I do feel them even if it’s just a pinch, but I feel it. And I wake up with the Reminence of those feelings and I don’t know what to do. These feelings for the most part have to do with one person in particular and I wish I could talk to this person but I […]
I have been MIA for awhile, had to deal with all the crap in my life. And to be honest I’m numb so numb that I wonder if the pain was honestly so bad that I had to shut it off like this. Other times I question whether I ever truly cared in the first place. I loved this guy once and he broke my heart and soul TWICE. And I feel nothing, absolutely nothing at all not even a little something. I look at him, I’ve kissed him again just to see how it would make me feel. And yet there is nothing I […]
The moments when I sit at home alone, and everyone I know is busy. That’s when I finally realize how alone I truly am and it Makes me sad. To know that I have no real true friends nor family that care even just a little. No one ever notices, i feel like I’m not allowed to cry to be weak. But today I feel alone and everything that I push away comes up to the surface and I feel the pain, the emptiness.
Days like today I look at my life and all the things that lead me to this point and I want to cry. Why me, why couldn’t I just be left to be happy with the one thing I wanted the most in this world? Happiness to me is like a high feeling like living in a fantasy, why couldn’t I just be left alone to live out that fantasy? But no reality had to step in and make itself known, and after that it was all ruined.Everything is changing and it is a permanent change, an inevitable change. I want to cry I want […]
but I am hurting, I’m hurting so bad that I do whatever it takes to shut everything off. I want to die so bad, and everyday some part of me tries to talk me out of it. I know I get it I truly honestly do you have to live for yourself make yourself happy do things you want. But I don’t care about myself I don’t love myself so its hard for me it really is. I self destruct, I give up, I have never truly done anything solely because I wanted to. I have done nothing but hurt myself, I have so much […]
Things make more sense to me now than they ever have in my entire life. I died, the person I was the dreams I had all of it died that was the true reason why I have been so upset. I didn’t want to accept that I let myself die because it hurt too much. But it’s done with now and I can’t change a thing about it. I feel empty, I don’t know who I am or what I want, it feels like I was placed into a body, a life that is empty. It’s like it isn’t my life so I have no […]
I’m sitting here looking out this window, watching the world pass by. I see people driving by, working, laughing and holding hands the truth is I feel nothing but emptiness. I feel alone, I feel like a failure, like a nobody. The fucked up part is that I’m staring out this window thinking of you and wondering if I even slightly cross your mind. But I know you aren’t your thinking of yourself, and me I’m thinking of how I failed you. I can’t save you and it’s killing me, I want to die because I’m worthless. It’s over for me because I couldn’t do […]
Every emotion we feel, all our efforts they are all in vain,
the outcome remains the same and we are still left with pain.
Nothing can truly save you no amount of love or care,
those things condemn you, they leave you in despair.
We aren’t alone open your eyes, all these tortured souls,
but we can’t because we’re so consumed in our own holes.
I love you and that love is what’s draining me dry,
it’s why I spend my days crying wishing I could die.
You feel like a ghost, but I can see you, the real you,
I’m screaming that I’m here, but you walk right through.
And yet everyday I wake […]
the past few days have just been the worst I am seriously in so much emotional and mental pain. I havent ever felt more empty or hopeless than I do now and sometimes I just wanna say fuck it and grab my fucken gun and just try to end it and hope that i’ll be lucky enough to die. I swear it feels like a shitload of misery and sadness and hopelessness just fell out of the sky and landed right on me. I feel so alone right now so empty i’m sitting here just bawling me eyes out and I can’t stop I just […]
Its what we all seek ultimately whether we want it or not, is it not true? We search this world for someone who understands us who can accept us and love us, thats the dream. To mean something to someone, at least based on my perspective how can I mean anything to myself if I mean nothing to no one? When I was younger I always wanted love I mean I never truly had it I was drunk on the idea of love and in my mind love was the only thing that could heal my brokenness. I found love, it was amazing truly and […]
Someone asked me that today, and I had no valid answer to give. The truth is I don’t know why, I don’t know why I have such a hard time doing the right things. I can have every reason to walk away but I always find that tiny reason to stay and I cling on to it. I can know that the situation is completely wrong and I know that I am hurting myself by clinging to that bit of hope. Yet I still hold on for dear life and I don’t truly know why. Maybe I’m afraid maybe I’m absolutely terrified of accepting the […]
I post on this website to vent to let my thoughts and feelings flow out through these words. I don’t post on here to openly invite people to tell me what I should or shouldn’t do or how I should feel or to add to the distress in my life with their negativity. I am grateful to the people who have been positive and encouraging. At the end of the day I am me and I will make the right decision for me based on what I know and feel. I always find myself holding on I guess I can’t accept that life is truly […]
Tonight I won’t lie about it, I won’t hide from it. I LOVEÂ you end of story. I’m finally crying for once and I feel a little bit. I just want to tell you that I forgive you and I love you and I want to be with you. But that would be so selfish of me and I can’t be selfish with you. I love you too much, you were unhappy with me and I couldn’t bare to know that I cause you that unhappiness. I know who you were and who you became I know that you’ve become an awful person who did awful […]
I hate being down talking about my feelings or lack there of. I hate all of it can i just pretend that i love life that i think highly of myself? Can I set myself free for a moment from all the torment?
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