ariusversea

I fear.

I fear that if I travel to Cameroon, a country so far from Canada, so far from what I’m used to, so far from justice for sexual assault victims and the ever present aftermath of the #MeToo movement letting me know that help – adequate help – is only a phone call away, I will lose.

I will not sleep in peace.

I will be raped in my sleep. Repeatedly. By any man that pleases.

My father pointed out that I should only by skinny jeans when we went shopping today. He said that any other type of pants isn’t flattering on me. Doesn’t hug me the […]

I’ve been getting incredibly discouraged by my research… How do I get rid of raised self-harm scars? Summer’s coming up and I don’t like these sticking around. They’re not who I am…

Sometimes, I’ll be sitting down and thinking about something (or not) and my chest will fill up. I’ll feel as if a balloon is expanding my lungs and I’ll be choking down tears. I’ll start crying, but quickly tell myself to stop being such a ***** baby and stop. I’ll continue to feel overwhelmed, drawing in between anger and sadness, feeling so urged to break something I’d have to remind myself that I didn’t actually give in to the urge yet. This feeling will last for as long as it wants to, and sometimes I’ll have enough privacy to record a voice memo about it, […]

When do I cros the line the seperates self-preservation and self-pity? When is cutting a way for me to express my need for help and when is it just me feeling sorry for myself? When do I need to get my head outta my ass and toughen up because I have so much to live for? When does it stop being me having a problem, and start me being a problem?

When do people start getting tired of me?

I’ll never know. Because I’ll never ask. Because they’ll never know.

And I already know what they’d say. For the most part at least.

Does my dad have cancer?

Is my mom a prostitute?

This feels like a pre apocalyptic warning.

“Might as well end it while you brain isn’t bejng devoured like a watermelon.”

People make fun of me having such an easy life. But I have worked hard for it.

Just to watch it all crumble.

If I give up, I won’t be able to fufill all my duties in the many positions I hold.

If I give him, I’ll never have a chance to win the Loran scholarship.

If I give up, I’ll be the daily tragedy that will be forgotten after lunch.

If I give up, I’ll be free and happy […]

I’m sixteen. How long have I lived? Not that long. Some people here already have their lives and families. I still get my dentist appointments covered by my parents. I’ve been crying a lot lately. I don’t know. I just feel worthless and stupid. I don’t know. Maybe I don’t deserve to have this aching pain in my heart. My father said to “stop exposing myself” and that “people have worse problems than me and act more put together than me”. Maybe that’s it. Maybe I’m just not cut out for this. Maybe I just need to die. Maybe I…

I wish there was […]

I had thirty dollars that I was planning on saving. But it didn’t seem worth it. I went to Shoppers Drug Mart and looked around for awhile. Just looking for something, something, something that could help me, something that could stop it. But I don’t know them, except one. Acetaminophen. I finished the last bottle over my cramps. It cost twenty-two dollars. I was ready to go home when I saw Emma, one of my neighbors. She’s eleven. She asked me to walk with her and spent about half-an-hour playing with my geofilters on my phone. After posting two cringy pics and one video (that […]