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I feel bad… yet angry

by ariusversea

I don’t want to bother anyone with my problem. And yet I feel as if I’ll explode. For the past week, I’ve had to watch my abuser walk down my same hallways, spend quality time with his friends in his new clothes (guess his mom spoiled him), while I with in my usual frustration, jumpy whenever I feel anyone come near me, wanting to run away and having no one that understands because I CAN’T TELL.

but what if i killed myself? what if i fell out the window? in my letter, i’d blame everyone that protected him, everyone that made me feel like i should stop being negative. i’d blame my parents for pretending to be on board with me getting therapy when in fact they’d rather i’d act like nothing happened.

BUT I DON’T HAVE THE PRIVILEGE TO DO THAT. I DON’T HAVE THE PRIVILEGE OF FEELING SAFE IN MY OWN BED. IN MY OWN HOME. I IMAGINE COLD HANDS ON MY BREAST WHEN I TAKE MY BRA OFF, WONDERING IF MAYBE I SHOULD GET A BREAST REDUCTION TO STOP MY OWN BROTHER FROM EXITING HIS ROOM AT 2AM MOLEST ME.

i imagine myself going back to my dad’s house. shooting five shots of espresso and buying a baseball bat and staying awake all night with the door unlocked (my dad recently put a lock on my door to keep my perverted brother at bay), waiting for him to sneak in my room while i hide in a dark corner and watch him discover what he thought was my body but is actually a bunch of blankets and my teddy bear then next thing he knows i’m swinging at his head and choking him with my belt.

I want to be that. I want to be powerful again. I want my father to find his favourite son on the ground, passed out, black but mostly blue, apparent that he was fighting for his life but no one came to his rescue. And I’ll point at him. And say. This is how I feel. Every. Day. Of. My. Life.

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4 comments

heartlessviking 4/2/2019 - 10:01 pm

Sounds like a satisfying fantasy, revenge usually does sound satisfying…. I can say from experience that it isn’t. One person that hurt me deeply fell into worse and worse situations as the result of his own bad choices, and it never made me feel better. Another continues to be fine, and I feel the same about him as about the other.They’re monsters, the worst humanity can provide. I worked for years with monsters, and I can tell you that no matter how much they experience the same pain you do, they lack the ability to understand that they are causing pain, or make it relevant to them.

It’s heartbreaking that you’re in this pain, and that thus far there is no justice. I hope for justice for you, and I hope that satisfies the anger, and that in time you’ll look back at this as like a bad dream, to be shaken off in the daylight of health. Twenty odd years of pain and growth have brought me to that place, where the terrors of my present are nothing compared to the nightmare of my past.

ariusversea 4/2/2019 - 10:40 pm

I hope to reach that point. Sometime I hear people talk about the years they’re dealt with trauma and I wonder how they managed to find the courage to stay alive. I still haven’t fount out.

anhedonic apathy 4/3/2019 - 1:24 pm

It definitely sounds like you should be talking to a therapist. Hopefully a therapist could help you work through these issues. Especially if the therapist specializes in sexual abuse.. Maybe also find a sexual assault victim support group if they have any in your area.maybe going to meetings with other people that have been abused would help. Talking to people that have gone through similar experiences You are spending so much mental and emotional energy on this that it must be having severely negative effects on everything else in your life. The best thing you could probably do for yourself is try to focus as much as you can on school with the goal of getting into a nice college far away from home and then having the freedom to just never go back and never see him again if thats what you choose. Just do whatever you can to cope with things however you can and look to the future and your chance to get away from all of them.

ariusversea 4/7/2019 - 10:47 pm

I’m just waiting to escape… I take it day by day. Eventually, if I’m patient enough, I’ll get to leave. Thank you for reminding me that.

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