Baked13

I’m lonely. I am a lonely person. I look at myself in the mirror everyday…getting ready for work, getting ready to go out. Not with friends, but with people who can make me feel like I’m not alone. But they know I am. I am alone. Shit. I have no one. But, I have family and I have a partner. But what does that mean when you have no one around to call a friend. I lost all my friends. I am hanging on to my family’s friends. They aren’t my friends. They know of me and me. But, I don’t even think they know […]

It’s been a while since I wrote on here. But I need a release. I feel so alone. The most alone I’ve felt in a long while. I don’t know how else to deal with this feeling, so I’ve resorted to what feels most comforting to me. Just like it used to. I almost forgot how to write my emotions down. I just shrug them off and move on. But it feels like everything I’ve shrugged off has just been dragging at my feet. And now this are difficult for me. I can’t carry my weight, I’m dragging my feet. My heart feels heavy. 
But […]

Good or bad?

For me, this site has taught me that hearing other peoples stories doesn’t necessarily bring me comfort, it makes me a better person. I have met really good people on this site. I care about making people feel better about themselves, by making their own journey, ours to share and overcome.

BRUISED. BATTERED. BROKEN.

I was once labelled “hard to love”
One of the most difficult things I had to do was agree with that statement.

It’s hard to love someone who hates themselves.
It’s hard to live a life you love hating.
It’s hard to keep fighting a battle that lost all its soldiers.
It’s hard to to create peace when there’s violence in your heart.
It’s hard to smile when your eyes are a constant reminder of how much you frown and cry.

Hard things weigh me down.
I can’t help but feel bruised, battered and broken.

The only thing that can disappoint me more than myself is if I carry every pain and emotion that I currently possess onto the next life.
My thoughts are my biggest roadblock.

It’s strange that a fellow human is unable to see the pain and hurt in others.

It’s ironic that the saddest people successfully mask it with happiness and laughter.

It’s annoying that we can’t relive the happy moments but relive the sad and lonely times a million times over.

It’s frustrating to be oblivious to what happens after death.

It’s interesting that every belief, ideology and notion that we govern our lives by, was created my man himself.

The illness: My entire being.

The cure: Surrender to my mental. Submit to my physical.

The minute one realizes that they are treading a path that only fits one, is the minute one excludes themselves from society.

I have alienated myself from everything and everyone around me although I still coexist with everything. I have created this barrier that allows me to escape into my own reality where I feel dead even when alive.
I am constantly struggling to make it though 24 hours of the day. My escape allows me to feel like I am only living a few of those hours in agony. It goes a […]

Forgive me for leaving unannounced.

I have not cried in weeks.
I feel every need to but can’t. Instead I just sit and stare in utter pain.

I think that I am saddest when I show people my happiest self;
because it is when I am weakest that I want to prove that I can still carry the world’s burden and then some.
I want to be the anchor for the world even when I myself is sinking.

I need to stop overthinking

I need to stop painting myself the victim

I need to stop apologizing for mistakes I did not make

I need to end this. I need to call it quits.

To me, a mirage of salvation from this mental jail-cell in its truest form is when I begin to feel in control at a time, place and state that once felt intractable

But that’s always temporary.

Depression has;

Paralyzed my body

Numbed my senses

Imprisoned my thoughts..

And stagnated my growth.

Depression has left me moribund.

I think that you have lost purpose in this life.

You care about people’s well-being more than you do yours. In the process of loving others more than you will ever love yourself, you lost yourself.

You look at yourself as if you are unrecognizable.
De-realization at its truest form.
You have given up. I understand why you would.
I’m sorry for just standing there and watching you fall for the umpteenth time.

And now, you can’t stand again.

We are the same person, and that’s why I can never salvage you. But someone else can.

Get help.

I’M ON THE VERGE OF FLIPPING THE SWITCH

I can’t do this anymore

Anything to stop the sadness,

stop the torment,

stop the mental case.

It is days like these when you realize that this facade you put on, creates this false belief not just for the outside world but for yourself as well. It deceives you just as much as it deceives the world.

Then when reality dawns on you each night when you are alone and in the comfort of your true self and tears, that the feeling never leaves you. That temporary laugh and glowing smile is sheer deception and the definition of pain and suffering.

It is days like these when you envy the dead. When you want them alive not so that you can enjoy life together […]

I don’t think i have ever felt this lonely, worthless and hopeless in my entire life. My will to die is increasing with each passing minute. My detachment from everyone growing stronger with each greeting we exchange. I’m lifeless. I have no energy to do work. It’s like i’m literally spelling out failure for myself. I’m screaming out for help but at the same time i know that the only thing that will save me is my escape into oblivion. I have this constant tug at my heart. I have a broken smile. And I have sad eyes. Even my physical appearance is screaming out.