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How do you do it?

by beaubri

What does it take to be ‘normal’? What is it like? How do you process things? What is it like to be happy?

I used to go by the quote,

“Love yourself and the rest will fall into place.”

-Melina.

That kept me going off and on for years. That’s why I got it tattooed on me.

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Now I can’t even concept how to love myself. The usual;

I’m pretty.

I’m kind.

Caring.

I have a big heart.

What ever. I still tell myself a few things. No matter how much I tell myself, I never seem to let myself believe in those things anymore.

What is this? What am I? Who am I? What have I become?

Nothing, a nobody with not much. A suicidal maniac. With the hope that I get shot in the back of the head some day during a robery or something. Save me the trouble will you? A black hole, not even light can escape. An abyss. My mind is my troubles. Sucking in everything like a tornado. And I mean everything. Once it’s entered my mind, something destroys it. Spitting it back up. Let me tell you that it is not pretty.

I hate myself so much.

Tonight I have tunnel vision again, it’s been a while. I hate it.

I’m losing my mind. Pretty soon I’ll be ready to shut down. And if I reboot, it’s never pretty. After each reboot I lose a piece of me.

I wish I could see a percentage bar, to be able to tell how much longer until I finally crack.

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claritee 3/30/2016 - 1:27 am

I can relate to everything you said. >.< It's really hard to go back and forth between loving yourself and hating yourself. It's like… you know the reasons why you should love yourself, you're not a terrible person, but it just doesn't last.

I hope one day you love yourself again and it lasts.

Alan Ominous 3/30/2016 - 2:20 am

Not useful at all but if I got a quote tattooed it’d be “the early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese”

Cordless 3/30/2016 - 4:42 am

Mine would say “I feel much better, now that I’ve given up hope.”

tiredthoughts 3/30/2016 - 4:44 am

Hope.. Yes.. I forgot all about that word. That feelling. I used to believe in “hope”. I hope for us all. Thank you cordless

tiredthoughts 3/30/2016 - 4:40 am

I have been forcing myself to say and difficultly utter the words “I’m happy”. I admit though that I am not.. I’ve also been forcing myself to think the words “I’m happy”. Also i’d like to add that I am the furthest from that. Saying it and thinking it. Does it help? I have no idea.. I do not think so. But its only been a few days worth of me telling myself that lie.

tiredthoughts 3/30/2016 - 4:42 am

I want to be happy. Who doesnt. Is happy a normal thing. For normal ppl
Am i like the rest? Will i ever be that again? Ppl tell me yes. And those ppl are normal with normal lives that grow. I am still where i always was.. Am
. I hope for you

dividebyzero 3/30/2016 - 11:16 am

Yep. I have a similar list of a few positive qualities that I try to tell myself when I start hating myself. It rarely works. Usually I start thinking about how those qualities are not likely to ever really matter much because of my mental illness and other weaknesses.
If it makes you feel any better though, I’ve only been on this site a couple weeks and I can’t tell you how many comments I’ve seen that confirm the four things you listed above.

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