Today commemorates eight months since I have gotten the urge to turn to this forum. At my last visit, I was broken, and quite humorously, at this visit, broken no longer can summate my existence. In exactly one year, I have had few victories and so much pain and deception that I have crawled back into the safety of my introvercy. Since my last visit, (when I was a 18 year old bum, not attending school) I have made some progression. I currently work, go to school and volunteer regularly but my battle scars are still present, Scars that refuse to heal, scars which threaten […]
Trapped inside this ominous receptacle,
Eighteen years, eight months, six days, ten hours, fifty minutes and forty seven seconds beyond my best before date,
I stand hollow and cavernous-as the wind cascades itself amidsts my masts, creating sweet tunes and great form;
My eyes have been spectators to such mesmerising beauty, humbling devastation and horror;
My ears have beared witness to great orchestrated melodies, profound speeches and bone wrenching pleas for intervention;
My skin has felt the sweet caress of a caring hand, the firm- corrective thump of life, the allure of a sexual pulse and the sterility and inamimacy of iron.
My heart has endured the thrills of young love, […]
Rather than equivocating death, I have conceded that death has already bestowed its unrequited love upon me. Simply so, because though I still breathe, and whilst my heart still thumps, the mere essence which makes each of us has perished within me.
It is as if though I’m only being kept alive by a hypothetical respirator and though this hypothetical mechanisations is working tirelessly, what sense is the life that its saving. For that individual can no longer be happy, can no longer assimilate to usual locomotion, all that is left is his bodily mechanisations and, in actuality life has already left his body.
My body, however is […]
Though outwardly I may appear to be happy really and truly, I’m dying inside. There’s that one straw that breaks the camel’s back or so they say. If so.I welcome the straw and the harbinger of death. Waiting patiently for that straw. Then I’m gone and I will not suffer anymore.
How great my griefs, my joys how few,
Since first it was my faith to know thee
have the slow years not brought to view
How great my griefs, my joys how few,
Nor memory shaped old times anew,
Nor loving kindness help to show thee
How great my griefs, my joys how few,
Since first it was my fate to know thee?
**Thomas Hardy**
I AM DEATH! Make way one and all
Give me way, for here’s my queue
I am the cliff from which you will fall
From the tears of the beloved, I’ll make myself a devil’s brew.
I’m here, there, I’m everywhere;
Don’t try escaping, for your destiny is locked and I have the key
A baby, a mother, a wee puppy, your lover?
This is the face I use to show I care
Fight me not, just let it be.
I make big men cry,
I make demons laugh
I’ll take your loved ones, don’t ask me why
For like a carpenter does with wood, from you I’ll make a craft.
Come to me, for I have the […]
I am no longer myself. I remember how I used to be before seven years of depression. I used to be the most optimistic individual, but life has a way of fucking you over.
For starters, after years of hearing people say negative things about you, you start to believe. I am an eighteen year old mistake. My life was a replacement. My father was abusive and caused my mother to have a miscarriage. Their intention was to replace that baby boy, so I was born.
Throughout my years, I have heard this story so much. Eventually as my father extruded himself from our family domicile, I […]
Sometimes I scare myself. At first I don’t realize what I’m doing. I tend to change reactions and emotions quickly. I’m bipolar. When I’m alone and calm , I can control myself, until I experience episodes of anger and sadness. These episodes result in me cutting myself or swallowing 30+ pills, or just guzzling down vodka.
I’m having more frequent thoughts of harming myself lately. Its like I’m an addict who is in remission but is being tempted. My friends have tried with me repeatedly to get me to stop self harming but I just can’t
People just don’t understand that suicidal thoughts and self harm are […]
Isn’t it ironic that those who should care the most are most times the driving force behind self harm and suicide?
They say the worst about you, plot for your failure and amongst all things, they lie , LIE , LIE!!!!
It has come to this point in which I am beginning to denounce them just as they have done to me.
It has reached to the point where if anything were to happen to them , I’d be unaffected. It wouldn’t break me.
How can people who profess Christianity act so contradictory and evil, yet call on God. For this reason, to me Christianity and God is an […]
An integral part of ‘ building your exoskeleton’ is letting go of all the hurt, pain and sorrow. Letting go doesn’t necessarily mean that you vow to forget the past,because doing such things.may result in the repetition of similar scenarios. The letting go to which I now refer to is the instance of no longer allowing past transgressions to weigh you down. In essence, an individual needs to accept and positively use past horrors as a building block to your new and improved self.
For decades, modern medicine has intentionally introduce strains of ailments to individuals, to allow for the creation of an […]
To an Unborn Pauper Child
Thomas Hardy (1840-1928)
Breathe not, hid Heart: cease silently,
And though thy birth-hour beckons thee,
Sleep the long sleep:
The Doomsters heap
Travails and teens around us here,
And Time-wraiths turn our songsingings to fear.
Hark, how the peoples surge and sigh,
And laughters fail, and greetings die:
Hopes dwindle; yea,
Faiths waste away,
Affections and enthusiasms numb:
Thou canst not mend these things if thou dost come.
Had I the ear of wombèd souls
Ere their terrestrial chart unrolls,
And thou wert […]
Quite surprisingly, I have survived my suicide attempts 12 times over the last seven years. Though this is not necessarily something to be boastful about, I believe that things happen for a reason; even if the premise behind my repetitive failures is unbeknownst at this particular time.
I am eighteen years old, and this dark phase of my life began seven years ago subsequent to the loss of a an individual who I considered to be more of a mother to me than that assigned to me biologically. Subsequently, I lost the only real paternal figure I had two years ago. Between these two losses, […]