Sometimes I think I’m getting better because I forget that I want to die.
It’s not that I don’t want to die anymore, I’ve just forgotten that I want to.
But then I remember and I’m back to the start again. Does the urge ever go away? Will it be like this forever?
I’m not excited for the future.
All I am is terrified of what’s to come. And it feels like I’m dying.
Does it make sense to be afraid for a future that I don’t have? I can’t imagine myself living past 25, yet I worry about getting a long-term job, taking care of my parents as they age, and whether or not I’ll be able to care of my kids (if I ever have any).
And I’d like to think that I’m not suicidal anymore – that suicide isn’t a likely probability anywhere in the future – but when things get hard, I can’t help but to think of the option of just ending it all …. it seems that the urge to die and to hurt […]
I used to want to die. No, not die. I wanted to stop existing and suicide seemed like the only option for me. It’s gotten better since then. I don’t think of killing myself anymore. I sometimes want to hurt myself when life get dark but I never do it. I don’t let myself do it. But here’s my problem, and it’ s more about me being pathetic than anything else. Please tell me what to do.
I have a boyfriend now. He’s honestly great. He’s the best guy I’ve ever known and he really loves me. I don’t doubt that and I never have. I […]
I used to go on here a lot when I was at a dark time in my life. And thanks to all of you guys, ilysm, I got through it. I moved on. Or so I thought. It turns out that when you’ve been at the lowest point in life, and when you’ve stayed there for a long time, the sadness doesn’t ever really leave you. It fades, you forget about it, and you think that you’ve moved past it. I was able to smile again, and even when things got bad, I managed to pick myself up and keep going without falling back into […]
My boyfriend is…. complicated. He’ll constantly tell me he loves me, that he cares about me and that all he wants is for me to be happy. And I believe him cause he’s flying across the country just to spend three days with me before he has to leave again. And so when he tells me that he cares and that he loves me, I believe him. But at the same time he won’t reply to my texts for hours, he’ll spend our time on video call together doing other things and not talking to me, and when he gets “busy”, he doesn’t ever…. *make* […]
There are good days. Then there are the bad days to counteract those and it always seems like those bad days will be 10, 20 times worse than the good days ever were. The good days were euphoric, you know? They made me genuinely happy and for a while I thought nothing would happen. Then the bad days came – and they weren’t just the bad days where you wanted to cry and sleep. No, my bad days were like that. The bad days I had were the embodiment of hell on earth, where nothing was okay and nothing was good. It was more than […]
Mom, dad. You two have hurt me so much that I can’t feel anything anymore. From a young age, you beat all the emotion out of me, to the point where I can’t even tell if I’m happy or sad anymore. Mom, dad, from this day on, you’re dead to me.
I am so fucking sick of you pathetic excuses for parents telling me that I’ll “ridiculous”, “a failure”, and pathetic every time I mess up at something, not matter how minor, no matter how many times I succeeded. I’m sick of you telling me that I’m not good enough. I’m sick of you guys using my dreams and my ambitions and threats against me, like I won’t ever get anywhere in life if I suddenly didn’t live with you anymore. Well heads up, fuckers. You cut me off when I was 14. Since then, I have made my money, paid my own tuition, bought my […]
I’ve left my fears behind. Now I’m purely fuelled my anger and sadness. I was never good enough for anyone, and that was okay with me because I didn’t need to be.No, correction. I was never good enough for YOU. You stupid, terrible parents that pushed me to my breaking point and every time I built something for myself, you would knock it down and then ask me why I couldn’t build anything. I didn’t want this life. Everything I did I did for you. Straight As. 4.5 GPA. Getting into one of the top schools in the world. Student council president. Swim team. Band. […]
Even when I was on the brink of killing myself, when all I wanted to do was rip my skin apart and die, I never missed an assignment, or failed to sit through a two-hour-long lecture, even when I couldn’t breathe because of panic attacks. I never once missed a training session or a competition even though I could not stop coughing because of pneumonia. Even when I was burning at a high fever, I never even thought about my own health when I was staying up late to type an essay. I didn’t mind driving myself crazy wondering whether or not my essay was […]
I ran across these two posts today, and I thought that they were really moving.
Even when I wanted to die, to kill myself
To rip each cell of my being apart, not once,
Not ever, did I miss a piece of homework.
Or fail a test or skip an hour-long lesson.
Sure, I skipped three meals a day but at least
I had my priorities straight.
I see these kids walking in front of me to school.
I see them, and they are zombies.
Blank faces, I doubt they’ve slept,
Probably up all night doing that essay
They forgot to do because their parents
Asked them to […]
People always say that “happiness is a choice”. Well, guess what? For some people, it isn’t. How do you find happiness in the breaking of a heart, in the sound of your own parents telling you to never see them again? To hear over and over again how you failed, and no matter how hard you try to think of something good, the only thing that comes to mind is that you’ll be dying soon. It’s not like there isn’t any happiness. There is. It’s just not enough to win compared to all the disasters and failures we have to face. Being happy isn’t a […]
I can here with such high hopes and big dreams. I came here expecting things to go well, expecting to make it through with only a few scrapes. Little did I know those scrapes would turn into bullet holes. I’m applying for boarding school, and if I don’t get in, if everything isn’t perfect, it will be the end of the world. There’s no place for me to go after that. Death and failure are the same thing to me now. I’m so scared of what will happen if I fail that I can’t focus on anything else. Right now, it’s either I get in […]
School is managed to turn me from someone willing to learn and grow into a person with bleak eyes who memorises facts only to be tested on them. It has managed to turn me into a person who perceives death and expulsion as the same thing.
You never let me do anything. You “said” you always wanted me to “grow as a person” but whenever I didn’t do exactly what you wanted, you hit me. You starved me for days without food, and called me names nobody should ever be called. You measured love by success and trophies, and made sure to cover up all my bruises before a competition. You stole my glory from me. My victories were never MY victories, whenever you talked to admiring parents, they became YOUR victories that I had gained because of you. While enduring this, the flute became my only friend. Well you know […]
Do you ever get this feeling when one moment you’re completely fine, and the next, you feel like a knife stabbed you in the heart and all you want to do is crumple up and cry?
I keep holding it in and nobody can tell. They think that I’ve become a better person. They think that I’ve changed. But what they don’t realize is that with each speck of additional anger I harbour inside of me, I have a growing desire to lash out, to hurt something. And now, I know that when I finally break and snap, I will take out everybody around me. The worst thing about it is I don’t feel any remorse about it. I want them to suffer. I want them to see what they have done to me. And whenever I think about this I […]
Why does my mother care about my brother so much more than me even though he does literally nothing. He got kicked out of college, hasn’t been able to find a job, is planning to get married to a girl just as hopeless as him, and always asks for money. On the other hand, I have been living my entire life trying to prove that I am good enough for her.
Why – even with my 4.5 GPA and a stack of certificates as tall as me, and a room full of first place trophies – I am still not good enough for her to recognise […]
I’ve left my fears behind. Now I’m purely fuelled my anger and sadness. I was never good enough for anyone, and that was okay with me because I didn’t need to be.No, correction. I was never good enough for YOU. You stupid, terrible parents that pushed me to my breaking point and every time I built something for myself, you would knock it down and then ask me why I couldn’t build anything. I didn’t want this life. Everything I did I did for you. Straight As. 4.5 GPA. Getting into one of the top schools in the world. Student council president. Swim team. Band. […]
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