Finally, I’m back here. I scrounged up the courage to appear here again after yet another unsuccessful attempt.
I tried only to fail and when i failed, i lost a dramatic amount of weight..only to gain almost all of it back. Felt better only to feel worse. Maybe this proves that I dont want to die, but I sure as hell hate this life.
I just wanted to say goodbye to SP…thanks for all your help.
Everything will be fine soon.
Cut my wrists and black my eyes.
Thats all I ever do now. Cut my wrists and let my ex black my eyes.
I’m going back to him tomorrow…why? Because he loves me.
Dont you dare tell me that that isnt what love is. I’ll gladly wear makeup to cover my face.
I’ll gladly cut my wrists to remind myself what REAL pain is.
Getting beaten, raped, and verbally abused isnt pain, it’s life.
Sometimes when i stop cutting for a while, I forget REAL pain and I cry when he tries to hurt me…then i pick up my razor and slash my legs and wrists […]
Back Again. The time every night when I realize I cant do this. I’ve actually pissed off my only friend because I havent slept in 24 hours. Energy Drinks that are making me sick, all because I dont want to sleep..or dream. I’d rather stay awake for the rest of my life than dream about what couldve been..what should have been. I’m going to be alone forever…panic attack…burn through adrenaline..get super tired. Energy Drinks. I cant even put a functional sentence together. Pathetic.
They say not to go back to your ex. He’s bad. He doesnt deserve you. He doesnt care about you.
In the back of my mind I know theyre right…but the same people that tell me this can never provide the comfort he gives me when he isnt yelling, throwing things, or calling me names.
None of them are never there at times like these..when I need someone to talk to..and he’s asleep on the phone right now…all i have to do his wake him up and he’ll clear his throat and say “yeah babe? Were you saying something?”
But where are all of you…you […]
Hopelessness…black like filthy oil rains from darkened skies and gray clouds. My chin pressed to my scarred chest as my hair, dirty blonde acid conceals a marred face. I’ve done my best. A 3 year battle. The mud beneath my feet still warm with fresh blood. Rusted chains bound bloodied hands behind my lashed back and I feel my wrists bleeding. Four heavy steps more and the heat burns more than my skin. I will not look at those ebony gates because I know..the same gates that have claimed my soul since the beginning of the battle. So thirsty, are the gates of Hades. Rising into the sky […]
Ive tried to tell myself that it was just a phase, for the fact that it is common for a teenager of the female gender to develop feelings, or in my case, fall in love, with their male best friend. And since I run every feeling and thought underneath a “Logic” magnifying glass, I’ve been able to coax myself into believing that when I fell in love with my best friend at the age of 15 it was because of the fact that we had known each other for so long before we were teens, that the reason that he was my first kiss is […]
Broken. Used. Lonely. Abused. Ignored.
But who gives a fuck anymore?
Fuck you. Im glad you dont ask how im feeling. I dont fucking know myself.
How am I supposed to feel?
Why am I supposed to live?
I think I’m supposed to die…
You could be empty
And I can be right here empty with you
And you could be
hollow
And I can be right here hollow with you
If you wanna say goodbye
to everything
I could say goodbye, too
And I could be right here empty
with you
I haven’t wasted a thing except my time
Forget the treasures we’ve burned because we’ll be just fine
I try to take off my head sometimes because I can’t escape the memories
I haven’t lost anything except my mind
Dear Anthony…you’ve taken my soul and my will to live.
I will get you back. I was sweet, caring, loving. […]
…You would think that my heart would stop allowing them in. You would think that my brain would stop being a pushover and finally tell my heart what to do. You would think that my heart had become so callous and cold from the way that I was treated, but it is not. I’ve been able to shoot and kill people and flinch not. I’ve been able to bloody a face beyond recognition and not feel an ounce of remorse…You would think I was cold…but yet, I allow myself to love again, care again. Repaving the painful path of cutting and suicidal thoughts taking the chance […]
Maybe together we can touch the sky and watch the sun burn or watch the sky fall and watch the world turn…
My hero…saves me from the world, somehow keeps me close when we’re so far apart
..but i cant help but notice the sorrow..in your eyes. The darkness in your brow…
Superman, are you okay? Your tears are like earthquakes to me…shake the foundation of my world.
I need you to be okay..because who’d save us if you went astray or even…passed away?
*kiss*
I hope it works…for what else could save a hero but love?
I love you
“……….”
I knew I had to come here and post SOMETHING…ANYTHING. But what do i say? That..I’m going to face the facts that I will be alone for the rest of my life. That I’m not worth as much as i thought I was…not even as pretty as I thought. That my razor is the only thing I have to love that is truly mine. My razor is the ONLY thing that loves me and my skin. Maybe…I give up and give in. Maybe I let my razor kiss my wrists tonight and bleed the meaning of the words i cant find…because SOMETHING ends tonight.
I know that i’m not the only one in the world that is lonely…especially on this site. I know that there are other problems that are more serious than lonliness and depression, but i just want to encourage the lonely souls out there cause lonliness is what i relate to the most. I want to let you know that you aren’t all completely alone. I dont know…things will get better. I promise. Dont think youre the only one staring at those pills or reaching for something that cuts. Today was a good day for me..a great day..and…idk I guess what i’m trying to say is that if […]
I bet i’m not the only one on here that delves into the problems of others to build a barrier between you and your own. I bet I’m not the only one who seems some of you, if not all, as tools. Yes, I use you to escape my life. I am pathetic, but as pathetic as I may be, sometimes you all are tools to me. Objects to use to fix whatever is broken in my life or to build up, even more, the barrier between my emotions and my problems. I realize I torture myself by doing this…It’s still better than feeling nothing. […]
Such a lonely day…for me, lonely days bring back the suicidal thoughts. It never fails…and im always lonely.
So…i made a friend. I had started doing better…the black thoughs came less and less. The cutting and thoughts of cutting had completely stopped and for the first time in a long time my skin color was returning to its normal color…it ends today. The depression is back and worse than ever…I cant go through it this time…not again…not alone like before. This is why im back
Well, I was totally breaking down. Maybe a couple days away from ending it all and you caught me. You found me..even though I know i’m not good enough for anyone, you make me feel like i’m good enough for you. Havent been on here in a couple of days and I’m on here again because my ex boyfriend depresses me. But you’ll text me and ask what’s wrong, and make things better. I’d hate to think where I’d be if I hadn’t met you.
It just seems a bit too good to be true…and that would break me completely.
Dear Josh,
I miss you. I cant believe we’ve gone this long without talking and you live around the corner from me and we both go to the same college. Why did things have to end up so badly? We were supposed to grow up and go to college together and live together remember? You were my best friend for three years when you lived across the street from me. You couldnt say Rain without Josh and you couldnt say Josh without Rain. Always came to my boxing matches..even watched me spar. Went to highschool together. You were even my first kiss… You told me […]
Rip my heart out
while you can
And I’ll still call you
Superman
Kiss her like
we used to kiss
And show me that
I wont be missed
Fall in love with her
Go ahead
Just bring her by my grave
when im dead.
Sing a happy song
To my stone
Cause even then
I’ll be alone
Ignore me
as I fade tonight
Take care, love
My last Goodnight…
For I wont see the morninglight
Okay, Rain. Its been a long day. You can still do this though. You can still spare your life tonight. Just 3 more hours until this day ends..just three. And then you can regather whatevers left of your strength and try again. Just watch the blood leak down your arm and over your forsaken wrists..and and stop holding your breath. Today is basically over…just 3 more hours..please..hang in there…hang in there