…You would think that my heart would stop allowing them in. You would think that my brain would stop being a pushover and finally tell my heart what to do. You would think that my heart had become so callous and cold from the way that I was treated, but it is not. I’ve been able to shoot and kill people and flinch not. I’ve been able to bloody a face beyond recognition and not feel an ounce of remorse…You would think I was cold…but yet, I allow myself to love again, care again. Repaving the painful path of cutting and suicidal thoughts taking the chance of a successful suicide attempt. Yes, they take care of me at first, but then they leave. They get new friends, boyfriends/girlfriends, jobs…and no longer have time or use for me. As a result, my heart is a bit more overcome by frost and I care less and less about who or what it is that I am actually living this dreadful life for. I have a problem with my heart…not that its broken, but that it cant be..at least not for long. It works when I want it off. It loves when there is no logical reason. Hope has moved there, because my brain will no longer hospitalize it. *sigh* I feel myself slipping…again..falling for the old “Friendship and Maybe More” illusion…and I cant stop. You’d think I was past breaking point if you’ve ever heard my story…but I’m not…and as long as my heart works, I’m dying. I cant take too much more.
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6 comments
I love what you have written because first of all it’s beautifully written.
Second of all, i’m a victim of your pain as well.
I used to be such a good person (to be honest). I was humble, when people said bad things to me i would forgive them. I was obedient, i cared a lot, I was generous…i was a lot of things.
And now, because of the way people have treated me, I’ve lost all that. My mother tells me ALL THE TIME. She’s like you used to be such a good person. WHat happened to you.
I know myself. I’m so cold now…and uncaring..and vindictive. I’m so..vindictive. And i feel so much hate all the time, and i’m annoyed with everyone.
I’m changed. And i don’t like what i’ve become. But i don’t think i could go back to that person i was. I don’t have the good in me anymore.
Thank you very much..my gray rainbows become a bit more colorful every time I hear that I’ve written something beautifully.
Honestly, I’d give anything to feel that. My mind thinks “hate” but…there is some part of my heart that will not follow through..*sigh* And to only be 18 years young already feeling as if my heart betrays me daily. I’d give ANYTHING to not only feel but be able to actually keep people at a distance with my hate and wickedness…
Honestly, you don’t strike me as a person who no longer has good in them. I’ve seen those people and the way you write does not portray that. Search…look farther, dig deeper within your soul. For the good in you is not yet truly lost.
Rain Rain I haven’t been around for a while but it’s nice to see that your alive….too bad that it’s in a state of suffering and pain…I know not what to say about your heart..mine has lead me to dark places and has not been my friend. I guess I’m trying to say I know how you feel..maybe not as much but I understand what your trying to say..And Oh mi gosh ur 18?! Ur so old D; anyway good to hear from you :c
Heh…AtTheEnd..I can truly say ive missed you. You’ve always had a kind word to share..Yes, 18 =/ too old to live
@Rain I’m 16 going on to 17.
I know that feeling about your heart. When breathing feels like it’s something sick, something degenerative and degrading…when living starts to kill you.
Dying seems like the better choice.
Thank you for thinking that i’m a good person. You don’t even know me and people who’ve known me for more than 3 years think I’m a selfish, exaggerating, rumor-spreading *****.
I don’t know. Maybe i am like that. Maybe you think i’m a good person because you don’t know me.
I don’t know anything anymore.
I dont know you, but I know that if you know how im feeling, then you have a heart. I know that people around the 16/17 age group tend to be immature and jealous and i dont know anyone from that age group that hasnt exaggerated or spread rumors. Pay them no mind.
All you need to know is that you can be what you want to be