Black Swan

Inside myself colors gradually turn to either black or gray no matter the shade. I can see how beautiful this world is from a distant window, but by following the light my eyes have been hurt. I am color blind now for my own sake. Inside the dangerous corners of my being, the people I love never fade away, even when their silent good byes is all I’ve got left.

I see myself at the edge of a high mountain all wrapped up in red . The wind blows violently as the most vivid of tears run down my face. My feet are slipping through the […]

If I get to die, it won’t be of bipolar illness or depression. It will be of loneliness and regret. I blame myself for my own misery. I hate being my loving, loyal, devoted self . For all of you out there… Please don’t make that same mistake. Don’t give “your all”, you’ll wind up with nothing and broken hearted. People love those who they can’t have. Those who think of themselves first and always manage to remain a mystery and a challenge. Those who are slippery and are feared to be lost. I am telling you this because I never learned to be that […]

Everyone is out there getting ready for my favorite party of the year… The one day that “you can be whoever you want to be”, I will be spending here, in front of this computer. I always loved fantasy and once had dreams the size of Jupiter. I believed in fairytales and miracles and that the sky was the only limit… Those were the times in which, even when it got dark and scary, I’d find the courage and strenght to continue on my quest to the other end of the rainbow. According to me, no matter what hand I had been dealt with in […]

My brain rules me, but was this his own invention or did I teach him how to operate? A brain is often compared to a computer… So is my brian an obsolete flawed model full of factory defects or was it me who downloaded this bullshit onto it creating all these viruses ’till there’s no longer a clear picture on the screen? I’d like to know the answer to these questions cause if I were to be found “not guilty” of my own misery, I’d find some relief. Perhaps then I could be freed from this painful sentence I’ve given to myself for being me. […]

So I’ll be going under the knife again for what could be the 10th time in my life now? The lithium they forced on me at the hospital 6 months ago ruined the last surgery I had done and since I will soon have to head back to New York to fulfill my miserable dead end destiny, I have to shape up for it. I really wish I died in that operating table but I know I won’t be that lucky. Good night to all of you out there.

Most of the time I come to this site and read the posts of those who want to die, I feel complelled to try and figure a way out for them and talk them out of suicide, yet all I want for myself is to die. You would think that if you some kind of altruistic person you would want for others what you wish to have yourself. In this case, it doesn’t work that way. Why is so important to be here in this world? Why do we feel like it’s the “right thing” to stay alive? Even people that don’t believe in God […]

A lot of people say that committing suicide is a selfish act. I believe that the people that want to keep you here suffering so they don’t suffer are equally as selfish. I have people that love me but they all have their own lives and it’s not like they stop living them for me. On these lonely weekends I’ve been spending on my own, they are out with other people, laughing and having fun. Their day is not affected by the fact that I am depressed. They don’t think of me while they are out and about; instead I should think of them.

Why is […]

I don’t believe in God much these days but it just seems absurd to me that he would forever punish people that commit suicide when I, me just being a relatively “good” person, wouldn’t. What kind of happy heaven is there to be expected then? Only a hypocritical one, where God is just a mother fucker that plays the “all merciful dad”.

“Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able?
Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing?
Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing?
Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing?
Then why call him […]

It seems like a good question to ask before you keep searching on this site for something you may never find or get something you were not looking for.

Romantic movies are horror films to me. I can’t stand watching them. They make me want to slit my wrists. I don’t need to be reminded of what I am missing. This loneliness is enough as it is. Would you make a starving African kid watch a movie about banquettes? It would be cruel to do such a thing. Spent my whole life trying to look like a movie star to deserve the love I saw on TV, but I was very mistaken. Once my dark energy, my negativity, my complexity, my lack of self esteem, my constant depression and my bipolar behavior  suddenly appear, […]

This will be my 20th weekend here in the darkness lying in bed. Pair of sweat pants, this computer and some depressing movies that understand me. A beautiful childhood, horrible teens. I was a nobody, got raped by my uncle and my father got killed. Dreamed of being a Hollywood actress, went after my dream. Literally lost my mind in New York city on my first try at 18. This bipolar disorder has followed me ever since. In my 20’s and early 30’s, I had many chances of a great life, beautiful boyfriends, was in magazines and even on NBC national T.V, but everything was […]

These monsters grow slowly. They feed of trauma, deception, guilt and isolation. They pretend to know you, understand you and even be your companion. They are always present talking to you while you interact with others. They often claim to be able to read other peoples’ minds and make it the only truth even people themselves and evidence point otherwise. They get stronger in time and as invisible as they soon merge with you to become one. You’ll then be locked in the tower of your own mind where only torture, darkness and negativity await you.

Most of us don’t see ourselves as we really are. […]

Before researching pretty much everything there is to know on this internet about suicide, I spent  6 months looking for an answer in multiple books and documentaries about the universe, existence, the after life and the so called God. I went from reading about all the famous philosophers to learning about every religion. Listened to Depak Chopra and other spiritualists…

It was when I stumbled across these near to death expiriences. That was my last finding. They were the most interesting out of all my findings. If you’re interested in the afterlife, there’s a lot for you to discover. There was sooo much beauty after death […]

I really have no respect for my state any longer! Months have gone by and I am still here feeling sorry for myself and talking suicide without doing it. It’s pathetic! I either kill myself FOR REAL or go ahead with this horrible life and make whatever out of it without complains. Staying here paralyzed, depressed and being a burden to others shouldn’t be a option.

When I was about 10 years old, I began to notice how, after survival, power, was the second most important instinct for man kind. As a little girl reaching puberty and as ambitious I must have been born, I asked myself: Who are the most powerful women in history? I came up  with 2. Marilyn Monroe and Cleopatra. What did both of them share? BEAUTY. Unfortunately, at 10 and being tomboyish, I was far from beautiful. I remember having suicidal tendencies even then, as I held a pair of my mother’s panty hose around my neck chocking myself while I looked at Brooke Shields in […]