I hated by siblings must of my life, my brother, who was so good at making friends staying popular and bullying me to no self confidence. My sister, who loved my brother more then me, who was nearly my age but had so many friend and never seemed alone. I grow up to discover that they too had there problems, we grow up under the same alcoholic parents after all. My brother, who had such pent up rage, who could never do anything right for my mom and dad. My sister who my mother took out dealing with my depression on, who started cutting her self after me. Both no longer live with me, and i miss them dearly. I cant kill my self, i no longer want to for there sake and my own. Remember perspective if everything.
Back before i had a computer of my own that i could keep private thoughts in, i wrote in a notebook. I simply put down notes like we do on this board. I still have this notebook as it offers an amazing look at what i was thinking at some of my worst times….there’s even bits of blood on some parts.
Here is a note i opened up too at random
Every day it feels more like am loseing touch with reailty, everything feels like a dream. Am walking to the store and i think “If i get hit by a car right now will i wake up”
That passage was about five years old
Sleep for me is a funny thing, I feel like i can sleep forever and never get any rest. Yet its so hard for me to fall asleep. My dreams used to haunt me, now they merely tease me, with a life i missed out on
Every year i give a private toast to myself for living another year.
My little Christmas vacation ends tonight, i have work again in the afternoon….I feel so restless, empty, and as always lonely. I lived my life much longer then i expected too as a child or teen, Am 23 and Ive never planed to make it this far. Its been a long road and Ive learned a lot, and i plan to keep going to keep thinking my philosophical thoughts to the day i die, hopeful as an old man. Yet, i left a huge gap in my life, my childhood and teen years have been spent crying in my room. As such i left a rather empty life to emerge into. You know the saying, its better to love and lost then to never love at all, Well i can tell you its true, as Ive never loved before. Because of my past am a much stronger person, a smarter person. When i was young and depressed one of the odd thoughts that passed my mind was, if i wasn’t this depressed kid, wouldn’t i lose what make me unique, perhaps it was my Social panic disorder that made me afraid to be just like everyone else, but i can tell you now, that what makes me unique is living past such thoughts, being alive and surviving past my suicidal years is what makes me unique. I still get depressed, my life is still rather lonely, but i can wake up and go to work, and i don’t want to die anymore, i want to live