BML84

As I prepare to go I’ve been thinking about the problem of stigma and association.

Most see suicide as an emotional, impulsive, short sighted act of desperation that harms all affected. Its negative in every regard. And in most cases they’re right.

However, there are a core number of people like myself who have felt this way for a long time; we’ve put things back constantly to please and appease others, we’ve spoken to therapists, counsellors et al, we’ve considered the situation from every angle.
And we still want to do it.

We don’t expect or want Heaven/Hell/Purgatory; we don’t want Karma or Reincarnation, and […]

So, I’ve been unlucky in the past.

First use of ******** powder failed. Nightmare.

Second time the DDMP was undrinkable. Bitter Disappointment.

But now, Thanks to EXIT, I have a supplier of pure ******** straight from the factory. And, No, don’t ask- I’m not going to tell under any circumstances.

I’ve had to wait to afford it but Good Things as they say.

Tomorrow or Friday latest I pay- hoping for delivery around 23rd (ironically Earth Day) but if I have to wait a bit longer, I’ll survive (Ha-Ha).

So, seriously, I am currently so anxious counting down to finally being able to leave this realm. Hopefully to nothing else.

Last night I was all ready- I’ve been preparing awhile now.

I had the DDMP method minus actual morphine.
I had Valium & Chl in a bowl with baby food.
I had alcohol. Few stiff drinks I felt relaxed. I’d taken anti-emetics and even anti histamines.

I started taking- and it was impossible.

The baby food mixture was unearthly- a taste like nothing on earth. My mind and body rebelled and heaved.
The DDMP was in sweet fruit syrup- my first sip I retched and my stomach heaved, anti-emetics be damned.

I couldn’t do it- the taste was too much and my physiological reactions took twenty […]

I’m reading through postings and its strikes me that many people simply cannot, or will not, accept the idea that you can be sound of mind and body yet still wish for euthanasia.

I beg to differ.

On the surface I’m not your typical suicide- employed at a place where I’m well liked, friends, house, income. Not suffering any mental/physical illness, nor even depressed in the classical sense.

Since my Mother died I have felt less and less reason to be here. I never felt attached to this world at the best of times but now I find it increasingly repellant.
I have never liked being here- […]

I had planned to use chloroquine to self terminate but the latest update of the EXIT guide states this as being the preferred method in Oregon.

Here’s hoping it’s as effective as they say – seems lime the barbiturate method is increasingly difficult to procure.

Funny how long just a few weeks feels waiting for the final ingredient to arrive after 18 miserable months.

A saner world would provide it on request.
Especially after psychiatrists have agreed I’m both rational and untreatable.

I’m not depressed, or ill, or disabled; I have a job, friends, a home. I want to die.
I was a kid who never did fit anywhere; single parent poverty, bad estate and high functioning autism made sure kids, especially girls, didn’t like me. Primary education I hated. So boring. As a teenager school was easy and being top of English made life simple. But people liked me for what I did, not who I was. Scars ran deep.

I turned down my First […]

As someone who survived a determined ‘attempt’ – I somehow kept breathing for several days after taking N.- I cant help but wish I’d been spared the ‘miracle’.
How do other similar survivors feel about surviving?

I actually survived an overdose of N. And I have no intention of going through that ICU nightmare again.

3 months later people comment on how well I look- I hit the gym in January- I could barely walk a mile- and since I lost 2 stone in 2 weeks I decided to push myself. People say I look fitter every time they see me.

All my blood work is clear and no brain damage despite lying in a coma for 2 days and having strong lividity- its a minor miracle I didnt lose my arm. Incredibly, I’ve come out healthier than before it.
Psych Evaluation […]

Hi – have to vent.

So, despite disbelief which I cant blame you for, I survived 15g of ******** (and, no, I wont give you the supplier).

No idea how it happened- spent 3 weeks in hospital after a 3 day coma. I lay undiscovered for 2 days.

Doctors could only say I was lucky- I dont feel it. I was calm and happy to go. So at peace.

Since then I’ve hit the gym and people have commented on how well I look. Final blood check revealed I’m OK now. No lasting damage.
They were apparently amazed the CT scan showed no damage. Im grateful for that […]

I have no idea how.

I tested it and it was pure. On a Sunday night I took a small snack and strong anti-emetics, mixed around 15g of N in water, swallowed it all, had a brandy, then another with Oramorph to hasten sleep. Then lay down peacefully to die. I was so calm.
I had a 4 stage dream and was being ripped from one to another, which was nurses bringing me round and attempting to get a response.
Eventually I focused and then felt myself slipping away- one nurse,S., was with me throughout. I felt calm and ready to go, and tried to thank […]