Casino96

It feels like I’ve been gone forever.

And it looks like it, too.

So much has happened in the last few days. I’ve been so incredibly busy; I had school on Thursday, then I had work, then I had a gig, then I got maybe four hours of sleep, then I had work again for the rest of the day. I hadn’t even realized it had been more than a day since I had eaten. I stopped by my friends house on the way back to return something but by the time I staggered upstairs I was in such bad shape I couldn’t see straight. I was […]

I brought a knife to work. A fucking knife. And I was going to use it too, but it’s harder to find time to slash my arm into ribbons while punched in than I thought. I really, really wanted to. I still do.

Holy shit, I’ve totally lost it.

January 31st could not get here fast enough. It feels like the planet slowed to a standstill and I’m going crazy. The last week has been half a year.

There’s literally nothing at all that I feel motivated to do. I’m too bored to sleep. I’ve gotten the urge and thought to cut myself out of sheer boredom more times in the last five or six days than I can count. I’m glad nothing particularly bad has happened so far or my arm would be torn open by now.

Maybe it’s the fact that I spend most of my time holed up in my room, but it […]

Maybe it’s a bit obscure? Well, if anything I get the feeling sadlife958 might recognize it.

Seeing as how the world is still intact (for now) I felt like messing around with my faulty amplifier and playing something slow. Pardon the buzz; to those of you who know anything about guitar tech a hollow-body with p-90’s pushing beaten tubes is hard to control.

Anyway,

Here’s to those of us who made it through yesterday, and here’s to those of us who have to make it through today.

https://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/Going-Home.m4a

https://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/TV-Demo.m4a

I wasn’t originally planning on posting anything, but today seems to have been a really rough day for a lot of us. I want to help or talk, but I don’t know how. So I decided to share another song, this time one that means a decent amount to me. I wrote it about a year or so ago as something to play when I’m stuck in one of my moods. I just thought maybe it could help somehow. It isn’t neat or crystal clear, but it’s something.

Wishing the best for all of you.

I saw a few of Redandpurple’s posts and each time I wanted to post a comment, but there wasn’t much I could think of to say besides just telling her that she sounds really good. But each time I listened to whatever she’d embedded I got motivated to get off my ass and do something.

So today I made this, I guess. Honestly I only made it to hear for myself what it sounded like, but by the time I finished I thought I might as well share it with you guys.

That aside, here’s a present to any and all of you having a particularly angsty […]

The day after I almost relapsed I decided to set a goal to not cut or anything until at least the 31st, which is the day of my appointment discussing medication.

So far it hasn’t been that hard, but even though the urge is gone (for now) my head’s still stuck there. Maybe that’s just what happens when you tell yourself not to do something you weren’t even doing. Or maybe I’m crazy. At this rate it’s probably a coin toss.

I’m sure this wouldn’t be so difficult if I didn’t live so isolated from the rest of the world. I mean I have a job, I […]

Thank you to everyone who tried to help earlier. I’m out of medication and a LOT of things have gone wrong in the past few days. I was struggling for a few hours but at the end of it all I didn’t relapse despite how badly I wanted to, and I have you all to thank for that.

I’m sitting on the floor in my room with the lights off and a knife in front of me. I’m trying really hard to convince myself not to use it since its been 8 months but

help.

I learned something interesting today. While I was out yesterday one of my parents (presumably) went into the room of the house that I smoke weed in. I know this because when I went back down to the room things were displaced and a piece was missing. I found it later in a nearby trash can. I’m not sure when it’s coming, but I feel like I’m about to see some crazy fireworks go off as a result, and I’m not sure what that’s going to mean for me.

Yay.

I’m hoping it never gets brought up, but my parents seem to think that weed is only […]

Complete hollowness. I wish I could describe it a bit better, but I get the feeling most of you know what I’m talking about anyway. The last few days, and especially right now, it’s felt like I don’t feel anything. I don’t mean like a sociopathy kind of way, but more as if instead of moving through the world, the world’s moving through me, if that makes any sense at all. I feel like nothing, and that everything else is nothing, too. 

I’m rambling.

That sure didn’t take long; two days in and I miss a post. I wasn’t even busy.

A friend of mine rolled his truck over yesterday and another friend got rear ended coincidentally at the same time, so I decided to spend the night at home. Everyone’s ok, miraculously, but the friend in the rollover totaled his truck and got a ticket on top of that. His insurance also told him to fuck off, so he’s just screwed.

Classes start for me tomorrow (I think) so I’m sure I’ll have some actual interesting and relevant things to say pretty regularly considering my last semester. I guess I’ll […]

So, I decided to just make a decent effort to post once daily for a little while if only just to talk nonsense for a bit. Hopefully I’ll actually be consistent with that but I guess time will tell. If I don’t post, by the way, no need to freak out. If I actually offed myself I promise it would be much more melodramatic than going offline all of a sudden.

So, more shit’s hitting the fan lately; there’s a shooting in a Florida airport. Just as I was getting over a 12 year old’s snuff film and a bunch of lunatic scumbags kidnapping and torturing […]

Anyone else hear about the girl who hung herself on live stream a few days ago? I just saw the video and I’ve been hung up on it for the whole day. She was only twelve.

Ive gotten better since I was last on this site but this made me remember a few things. I’m still completely convinced that I intend to end my life when I know it’s time. I’m not “over it” and even if I was I doubt I’d want to be. Part of me will always be stuck in the dark, so getting rid of the dark might as well be a […]