I was thinking of picking up the phone but dialing the numbers seemed too heavy. I was going to call but the depressing tone was the only thing that stops me from talking. I was thinking about ending my life right now but Alice (gf dog) is what keeps me going. I wonder if we don’t work out if I could keep her? If I didn’t have her right now I doubt I would of made it this long. The cuts on my arms show me this. I wonder if I’ll look back on all this and feel sad for myself or if […]
Does life really even matter if its just one up hill battle, one constant struggle to the next day. It’s becoming to be like torture to me I just can’t take it anymore I’m so fed up with all that life has to offer. Which at this point isn’t much at all other then a place to lay my head in a land mine of broken dreams and where hopelessness resides. Counting the pain staking moments where there is a little bit of happiness that comes to him. A light of a cigarette and a joke is told behind the makeup of a clown who […]
Please hear what I’m not saying-
Don’t be fooled by me.
Don’t be fooled by the face I wear.
For I wear a mask, thousand mask, masks that I am afraid to take off, and none of them is me.
Pretending is an art that’s second nature with me, but don’t be fooled.
For God sake don’t be fooled.
I give you the impression that I am secure that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name and coolness is my game, that the water is calm and I am in command, and that I need no […]
I’m just sitting here thinking about my life. Thinking how I’ve been in a transitional living house with other recovering addicts like myself. I was there for three almost four months in total. Today I just got fired from the job I was at. Unfortunately it wasn’t my fault at all. The story goes as followed. I was working at a treatment center where I was the executive assistant of the program one below the owner of the program making very good money for not only my age but also for my education that I have. Anyway to put things into prective I’m supposed to […]
I feel so hopeless right now like what’s the point anymore of even going on, I want to take this metallic steal instrument and use it as a pencil to write things on my arm. I want to see the marks on my body like a canvas that gets splattered with crimson red. Or take this brown marker that is used for those who think highly of themselves as they all gather in a room and talk business, but rather then talking business I would use it to put out the flame that is my emotions. Emotions so strong that I can’t stand to feel […]
I feel like an asshole I let my emotions get to me, my fear crippled me like a sick child with polo. My thoughts run wild like horses in the night with no one to tame them but the morning sun. I sit here and I feel guilt, shamed by how I acted, sickened by the reflection in the mirror. I guess I’m so use to getting hurt that I just expect it from anyone anymore so my head tells me these lies as I wonder off in no mans land and believe these whispers that I’m told like an evil Ventrillquist who plays with […]
If I had one wish I wish I could give the feeling of depression to “normal” people so they could feel how it is. I wish I could let them feel how it is to feel so down and sad that them two words cant even begin to express how it is to feel “depressed”. I wish I could give people in my life that. To hate life so bad that you would do anything to make it stop. That you would do anything to get the voices in your head to stop saying how much of a loser you are bc your almost 30 […]
Does anyone else feel like sleeping is like dying but without the commitment? It’s like I can sleep all day just so I don’t have to think about anything. Some days that’s what I try to do. Like today I woke up at 9 and after I was up for an hour I passed right back out and went to bed till 3 in the afternoon. Sometimes I feel bad about doing this and it turns into a vicious cycle of sleeping till 3 or 4, feeling bad, then wanting to take to the bed and sleep, to just saying fuck it and laying down […]
I’m starting to feel like the universe or god or something is making it very hard for me to kill myself. I tried to hang myself two months ago and a friend of mine ended up calling the cops and they sent me to a mental hospital where I ended up staying for a day and then I got sent to the medical side of the hospital but that is another story for another time. When I got out of the hospital I started getting High again and drinking. I ended up running my car into a guard rail head on going 60 MPH and […]