chinadoll4

NOT SUICIDE but still important

The spiders are coming back.

For the last two or three years, there have been these really awful spiders in my house, and they terrify me. Last year, I got crawled on multiple times, and I’ve gotten in trouble for the way I react/try to get rid of them.

I used fixatif once, and I’ve broken furniture, and I got so paranoid. They don’t like the light, so I started sleeping with my lights on. That was way too bright for me, though, so I started waiting for the sun to come up before I even layed down. I spent the entire summer […]

I decided the other day that it’s not that I love my life, and that my mom was right – I’m just a coward for wanting to die. I got excited when corona popped up, and every new strain or word of poosible war (that’s new, but not surprising) gets me hopeful instead of scared. I almost got hit by a car the day before yesterday when I was getting the mail. Haven’t told anybody about that, so now you know something about me that nobody else does, I guess? I wasn’t scared; I was embarrased for almost getting hit. I guess that solidifies that […]

So… Donald Trump is the President of the United States…
I typed in “who is the president,” and Barack Obama came up. The clock switched, and I did it again. This time it was Trump’s mangly face smiling as if he just let one loose in the room and the blame was passed to the dog.
I swear, this joke of a man managed to pull off one of the greatest feats of the modern day. One hell of a farce he pulled out of his ass, huh?
I’m sitting here in class right now. My work is done, so I decided to go to […]

Do you ever just suddenly switch from wanting to kill youself to killing the ones who make your life a living hell? Even if its just for a split second. Well thats me right now. I want to just grab my pills, grind them up, and make everybody a smoothie. Maybe knock them out and press a pillow to their face for a few minutes. Either way, there is just so much rage and while I usually end up taking it out inyself or burying it, right now I just want to end them. I know this is a site for people to go for […]

They pretend to like me so that they can take embarrassing pictures or videos. They only include me ehen they benefit from it. I try so hard to be nice, even when I feel dead inside, like I could break down at a moment’s notice. I know they take advantage of me. I know that they are lying to me. I can see right through all of it, yet I still tell myself that we’re friends. How do you escape all the lies when your surrounded by them? I can’t even find solace in my own mind! Where do I go besides here? God damn […]

Just about 10 minutes ago, I was extremely hyper for some reason. Anyways, i didnt think before leaping onto my bed. This would be generally okay if not for two things. First of all, my bed is old, creaky, and breaking. Secondly, i am fat as hell. So if you cant piece together what happened, I just come out with it.

A part of my bed broke off. I don’t know what to do. I tried fixing it myself but two of the nails are bent and I cant put it back right. While this was happening, my little sister decided to be a little ***** […]

I found it. A place where i was actually happy. I hadnt even thought of suicide, or self harm in almost two weeks. But then as we were taking a walk they told me that they had been eagerly awaiting my sister since i got here – that they were excited for me to go back. That they were also dome with me. Afterward, i heard them upstairs talking shit whem they thought i couldnt here. I wonder if they have been doing this throughout the whole two weeks, or if i was finally hearing it now because now I know what they actually think […]

I’m not going to put my whole life story down. Nobody cares about that, anyways. I just want to head down into the basement and chug the bleach. Every day when I go to take my medication, I am always SO close to just grabbing a handful of my moms pills and my own and heading to bed. I hate myself and everyone else around me does, too. Why not just make it stop! I want it to end! The idea of no more experiencing or feeling or anything else that is just a normal part of life is okay with me. But I don’t […]