She was saying something about something being “straight out of the dryer”, to noone in general. She was in the front door alcove of the hardware store, the one with the neon “Open” sign in the front window, right above the note that perpetually hangs there, reading “Had to leave, customer needed door fixed.” The neon sign is always on, even when they’re closed. Nothing she had just came out of a dryer. She was wrestling a large sleeping bag into a shopping cart, full of her belongings. Her hair, not quite shoulder length, stood straight out on the left side of her head. She […]
It can be quite a shock to see yourself. Not a casual glance in a mirror, more extensive. I just took a video of myself, rambling imcoherently. It’s very early and I should be sleeping, but I’m not because my cat smells funny and it’s making me anxious. So I figured I’d make a video of some random thoughts that noone will ever see, although my intention was that this video, as well as others I will make, might serve as a diary of a bad time, of sorts. I watched the video, and it’s so depressing. What have I become? Where did […]
It’s so incredibly relaxing to sit in the comfort of oblivion. So peaceful to adopt a who cares attitude. I am absolved of all responsibility.
I was searching the webernet for tips on trimming cat claws a few years back, and came across a video by an animal behavioralist named Dr. Sophia Yin. The video was good, her personality engaging and attractive. Intrigued by what she had to say, I searched for more of her work, and found an article detailing her suicide. In it, a co-worker and friend of hers spoke of her insecurity concerning her career. Even as her business grew by […]
It’s as though my feelings of despair and hopelessness exist in a secret vault that isn’t accessible at all. All around that vault are littler, less secure vaults that I’ve learned to open so I can wrangle with their contents, bending and twisting them into submission, if only for a while. But THIS vault, where despair resides with its dark friend hopelessness, is locked. I have no key.
Yesterday, I read a story of an ICU nurse who was shot to death as she was driving to work on a freeway. 26 years old, a career based on giving, and her life ended at what may […]
“They” say to write things down.
My limits are being tested. I don’t appreciate change, in fact, even though I know it’s beneficial and unavoidable, it just completely sucks. This year…this last year, since May 2019, this is officially one of the worst. I suppose that right about now many of us are saying that.
And yet where is the logic in waiting? In staying? What does tomorrow hold that will be meaningful and relevant, and that is worth staying around for? This …. life. This series of twenty four hour cycles during which I breathe and accomplish. Accomplish what? Enough so that my little chunk of […]
This is Raisin. She’s somewhere around three or four months old, and was abandoned at a park.
She’s helping me heal. She’s a goofball.
The frustration and anger was building inside him. I could see it by his facial expressions and actions, yet he was holding back and not retaliating. Not yet, anyways. He was biding his time, determined to exact his revenge, and he was not the only one, there were more. Still, I continued to antagonize them with childish insults and ridiculous behavior, knowing deep down that I was digging my own grave. Still, deep down, the anger and sadness drove me on, looking for a victim, looking for an outlet.
I didn’t know him, but didn’t like the way he looked. So I treated him like garbage, […]
Why do we assume that the limitations of our human brain will follow us into an afterlife? Why do we assume we will continue suffering as we are now, when we are dead?
Today is two weeks.
What is this thing, life? Just breathing, nothing more. It’s just weather, without you my little love, nothing more. I miss you.
March 2, 2012 – May 1, 2019
My little boy. Seven years was all we got together. I hoped and dreamed for more, but no, that can’t happen.
I will miss you eternally, Taco. Handsome-Perfect. Boogie. Bug. Hooks.
You changed my life, little boy. You taught me how to love, when noone else could. You showed me what love feels like, when others failed. You are love. You are my eternal friend, my little kitty.
I’ll miss you from today until a time when whatever I am […]
Why?
My love. My heart. My soul. You’ve taken them all, and there is no answer why.
Why?
Rosemary requested release, and the memories returned to the people. . .
Hmmm.
So I wonder what exactly is going through Jonas’s mind, knowing that.
No spoilers. Still reading. Good story.
– NOT SUICIDE RELATED.Just reminiscing. –
My dad could build. He wasn’t a contractor, per se, he was in the telecommunications business. But somewhere along the way, someone taught him how to build. Stuff, things.
My town recently passed an ordinance banning plastic grocery bags, because apparently they are evil and destructive and naughty, and the universe must be saved from them. So, today, I bought three cookies and a small bag of potato chips and left the store holding one of those extra gonzo size heavy duty paper grocery sacks designated as “1/6 BBL (70#) with “Renewable, recyclable, sustainable, and contains minimum 40% post-consumer material” printed […]
Occasionally I need to restore perspective to my kooky mind.
Carl Sagans speech helps.
It reminds me how darn big everything really is, and how insignificant I am.
A photo of Earth, taken from somewhere around four trillion miles away, I believe, by a Voyager spacecraft, many years ago. Just a pale blue dot, inhabited by weenies.
Pass the mustard.
I am a medical transport driver, driving people to and from doctors appointments.
I am learning to value simplicity these days. To see blessings where previously I saw nothing.
Don had a ride scheduled for 7:00 this morning. He lives in an assisted living facility, or as another passenger referred to them recently, “a warehouse for the dying.”
I arrived at 7, and the staff was running a bit behind, so they didn’t have him quite ready. Rush, rush, rush, ok, he’s ready to go. Out the door and into the van and off we go. Don is in a wheelchair. He is probably in his seventies, and […]
My job brings me into close contact with people with various illnesses and physical challenges. It’s interesting for me to interact with people both older and younger than me who are dealing with situations that I cannot imagine dealing with. You can learn a lot about a person’s character when you spend time with someone who is living a life of tremendous difficulty, brought about by physical trauma or disease.
This is not a passing of judgment on Janet. I met her for the first time […]
When “life” is clearly on display, why do we (I) fight so hard to see around it, through it, to what I want it to be, as opposed to clearly seeing it for what it is?
Here it is. It’s the gray sky and freezing air of today’s snowfall. It’s the pain in my lower back. It’s the sadnesses of years, the happiness of decades. It’s the hope for tomorrow. It’s the reality of death, the certainty of now, the doubt of a tomorrow, the loss of then. It’s ladybugs humping on a leaf.
It just is. This […]
I can’t imagine what it is like to feel love for a human. I can think of noone that I could or would ever love. Not family, not friends, noone. Absolutely noone.
Sociopath? Is this what I am?
We toss around sayings like “You only have one family!”, and “Blood is thicker than water!”, yet I would have absolutely no problem walking away from my family and never speaking to them again. I’m single, no children, big surprise there. I’ve learned love from animals, and can’t imagine a human being who is worthy of that kind of intense emotion.
My mother was an irrelevant figure in my life. […]