I am getting so fucking sick of myself.
Why can´t I ever break this cycle of selfdestruction?
Oke. So last night one of my friends asked me if I wanted to join her to travel through Thailand for a month in the summer. I was looking myself for things to do in the summer. I don´t want to stay here, thats for sure. I thought maybe visit some family in Greece, but thats, just the same as always.
I would love to travel to Thailand actually. I would love to go to Australia and New zealand too, but that would be a different trip. Ive been talking about travelling and adventures my entire life, but since five years I guess (since the weed) […]
I really dont.
I guess after everything is said and done all you can do is light up another joint, take another shot and hope today wont be as fucked up as yesterday.
Why am I such a stupid fuck? I really cant stand myself. 2 hours by myself and I’m “in a mood” again. Wasn’t even contemplaiting suicide this morning because I was working a bit and suddenly, like a fingersnap, I just want to die. I remember that I despise myself. And that I’m the most disgusting monster on the planet.
I like being by myself, because I can do whatever I want. But I guess I really need distraction. Especially if I havent smoked weed yet. Thought I should smoke less so I didnt smoke yet. (no thats a lie I tell myself, I didnt earn […]
I dont understand why I can never let myself succeed. Why do I always have to sabotage everything for myself? Why cant I ever behave like a normal person? Why do I always fucking ruin everything, and why cant the voices in my head ever shut the fuck up.
I want to call my psychiatrist tomorrow for a new appointment. Havent been there in three months. But I don’t want to call her. She always keeps going about the weed and she said I need rehab first before we could solve my other problems, because I’m too dependant on the weed. I DONT want to quit […]
So I actually woke up today not immediately thinking of suicide. Thats a first! I wanted to try focussing on studying.
Then I got a reminder. Dont forget: everybody hates you. Thanks Facebook. I should understand why though, since I despise myself.. But I actually dont. I know I´m a horrible person, but I always try to be nice to people, Im always willing to help people, I really always try to do my best.
The problem is me though. It has always been me. I never really had friends. Girls only wanted to hang out with me I guess so they looked good compared to the […]
Once again my head is spinning with thousands thoughts, but when i sit to write them down my mind goes blank.
I dont know how to write how i feel caus i dont really feel anything. Either nothing or pain.
I dont want to live anymore. i have known this my entire life. i want death. And if theres nothing after life thats even beter. i know i want to do this, then why is it so fucking hard to go through with it.
I guess the good thing about not caring is it makes everything easier. I dont really care about my mom maybe getting upset when I die. That used to be the only reason why I havent tried to kill myself yet. But I really couldnt care less anymore. I always was the black sheep of the family anyway.
I really need to do this. I’m gonna do this.
When I feel like this I rant here because, I dont have anyone else to turn to. And I guess people are trying to lift my spirit by saying you can be better and there’s hope and whatever. But the thing is I cant. Mostly because I dont want to. Also because I have tried and never succeeded. I dont want to be anything better than what I am right now: a worthless , disgusting whore. The only thing I want is death. And I dont want people ‘helping’ me and talking me out of it. Thats one of the main reasons I stopped seeing […]
I just dont know what to do with myself. what the fuck am i still doing here?
Im literally on the edge right now. I feel.. i dont know.. more insane than usual? Im constantly nervous, and my stomache hurts like hell. Kind of like Im waiting for something to happen. But I dont know what that may be.
I guess yet another breakdown is coming.
Once again my brain is fucking with me. I know what I want to say, why can’t I formulate my thoughts into normal sentences?
I feel like I’ve been losing my mind even more. Who would have thought thats possible.
Ive been trying to type how I feel, but I just cant get my thoughts straight. I have this very often. I know what I want to say. And in my head I hear the exact sentence, I just cant get it of my lips. And its not only when talking about emotions, I also have it when I’m just in the middle of a random conversation. Like my brain kind of just stops and I just cant get the words out. The feeling of having something on the tip of your tongue, only difference is that I know what I want to say but […]
I just feel I’m not worthy of living.
People who live should want to live. They should be happy and should want to accomplish things.
Ive posted about my lists before, that was not really a success. (understatement)
Since Im very chaotic, sigh, I lost my original lists. Which lead to a panic attack caus I cant stand losing things. So I made new ones. And it bothers me really much that I dont know what exactly was on the original lists.. but anyway I’ll just add the things I forgot now later.
I thought I could maybe share the lists this time.
Reasons to die:
I am selfish;
I am ugly. […]
Probably not.
Here’s part 2 of my life story. I won’t go into every detail (even now its way too fucking long for anyone to read), I don’t want to bore all of you to death.
I turned twelve in 7th grade. I had a few friends, kind off, but I was still bullied and there were a lot of people that didn’t like me. One guy from my class used to hit me. My mom always told me “If anyone ever hits you, hit them backâ€. So that’s what I did. I’m not one to cry in a corner (publicly) and keep my mouth shut. I […]
 Its long though so I don’t think anyone will read it, but I think it would make me feel better to get this of my chest. Because it’s so long I’ll just stick this one until high school.
I have some memories from when I was like 3 or 4, but I can’t really remember most of my life before I was twelve. I guess I pushed it away somewhere in the back of my head.
I know I have been sexually abused from age 4 till bout 6 or 7 by a girl who was in my class. I cant really remember much though, I know […]
Older Posts