I dont understand why I can never let myself succeed. Why do I always have to sabotage everything for myself? Why cant I ever behave like a normal person? Why do I always fucking ruin everything, and why cant the voices in my head ever shut the fuck up.
I want to call my psychiatrist tomorrow for a new appointment. Havent been there in three months. But I don’t want to call her. She always keeps going about the weed and she said I need rehab first before we could solve my other problems, because I’m too dependant on the weed. I DONT want to quit smoking. And I wont.
Why would I even be trying to get better? Who would I help with staying alive? I’m just a burden to everyone, and I dont want to be. I dont want to be crazy anymore. I would love to now how it feels to be happy. I dont want to die. But I really dont want to be alive anymore.
No, Im not gonna call her.
I’ll just wait till I ruin the most important test I ever had in my life tomorrow, yeey for selfsabotaging.
26 comments
Maybe find someone better to talk to than that shrink.
who do u suggest
I can’t say it for you. For me it would be someone I felt was a way better person than me, in that they were truly loving and kind, someone I wish I could be like. Someone who was on my wavelength, but could see things clearer.
Christina… Perhaps a part of her has your best interests at heart. I’m not going to defend someone not providing you with assistance… but perhaps there is some validity to her desire for you to seek assistance with the weed. I hope you do well on your test tomorrow. Please study.
I dont really want to talk to anyone though, I dont like talking about my issues.
The only reason I would call her anyway is, that if I faill the test tomorrow (which I will) maybe I can redo it if I have a declaration of my shrink that I’m mentally unstable right now.. which I’ll get if I’ll ask her. I dont really feel like going to continue where we left off. I only went there in the first place caus my ex wanted me to..
You could talk to Sumer. He knows everything and has uncovered a secret plot orchestrated by Steve Jobs from Home Depot which, through its affiliation with the SS, FBI and CIA have developed a new military weapon which emits radio waves to put suicidal thoughts in the minds of SP users.
Or you could put the finishing touches on your revision. Go to sleep and wake up early tomorrow rejuvenated and ready for your exam.
About Sumer, I’m thinking about having t-shirts printed with his quotes. They are rather legendary…
@ chrstina– To me, that sounds sensible, seing her for a purely practical reason. And okay, maybe find someone better to hang with than that shrink. Some people can help you without much talking taking place at all. Just by being with them you get calmed. Like pets I guess…
Well I only had that once, my ex could always calm me down. But, he got sick of me too..
And my pets dont even like me either. Which has actually made me sad a couple of times. If even my stupid dogs, who are supposed to love their master unconditionally, dont want to be in my pressence I have to be a horrible person. They will often seriously leave the room if I pet them..
And Sumer´s qoutes would make a good t-shirt I think. Some really are legendary haha.
I just dont know why Im so fucking annoying. Sometimes my ex and I still text a bit, and I either get angry with him or feel superbad and guilty for how I treated him. Because if I was a better person he would not have cheated on me. If I just went to the gym more often like he said he wouldnt be looking at other girls. If I hadn´t made him insane he would still be with me. I fucking hate myself. I really dont know how I should feel about him. I mean I know I shouldnt feel guilty caus he is a ************ for cheating, but I cant help but feeling like its all my fault. constantly.
You don’t seem like a horrible person. And what he said was stupid. A bad excuse for cheating.
Haha yes, but you dont know me. I must be. If everyone dislikes me, I cant be a nice person.
And I can understand if youve been driven crazy by your woman youre looking attention from others who do treat you nice.. not really a bad excuse in my opinion.
You seem ok to me.
“If everyone dislikes me, I can’t be a nice person.”
This isn’t true… “Everyone” isn’t really everyone… Please don’t think like this. You have so much more value than this statement allows.
Well thanks you both, but, just trust me on this one.
Christina… I trust you. I have no reason not to… but this isn’t about trust. This is about someone who could conquer the world if she wanted to… but is selling herself short. I just think you could do more than you give yourself credit for. That’s all.
Why do you think that?
I’ve read your posts… They are articulate and well thought out… You’re a student working your way through school. Put the two together… If you have the knowledge and the ability to express yourself, that’s a big asset in the real world. Add a sense of determination, it’s done. Yes… Things will sometimes be difficult for you… Welcome to life… but knowledge, communication, and drive are three big necessities that help.
Do you actually think theyre well thought out? I always feel like I´m just rambling and people probably dont understand half im rambling about..
anyway, the thing is, I dont want to conquer the world, I dont want to be anything.. So drive isnt there, communication? maybe. knowledge? no. Im also as short-tempered as can be, I´m always being told I´m selfish so I guess I am, I´m one ugly ************ and life sucks for people who are not pretty.
I used to want to be in politics actually. But I would never try to accomplish that anymore. I would be way to scared some of my customers would tell someone what kind of work I did before (now). Plus I´m not smart enough anyway.
The failure list goes on and on, but I really want to smoke some weed right now.
I looked at your post and I will comment on that..honedtly with bipolar weed is the worst thing you can do…I know because I trashed 10 years of my life please don’t make the same mistake..maybe your pets don’t like weed not you or try being really gentle with them they love you I’m sure.mania sucks it can be confusing but it is often just temporary..take care
All I’d ask is that you build a foundation in case your thinking changes down the road. If you study hard and pass school now, you keep more options open later in life. Perhaps your goals are limited at the moment. Fine… There is enough time. But don’t wreck the foundation now…
He molly woppit. why do you say that? weed is the only thing keeping me a bit sane and makes sure i wont cut my entire body open.. only half haha,. My shrink actually told me she felt like i had the situation “in control” with selfmedicating.. she did think the weed was better than constant cutting and banging my head into the wall..
@distant.road yeah thats what ive been trying. but i just cant seem to pass a single class this year. i feel like i know a lot and maybe enough to pass.. but idk.. maybe if i had studied tonight, i just couldnt..
Oh it sounds like your councillor really cares about you she must to want to challenge you on the drug issue…I know how hard it is to let a safety blanket go but dope is just poison to a bipolar mind..I’m not judging he’ll I smoked it for years I’ve just figured I’m better without it.I miss the buzz but I don’t miss the psychosis that goes with it if you need to talk my email is on the comment thread hang in there..
My councillor reasoned the same thing at the time about the self medicating I didn’t know it but at the time she was doing the same thing smoking pot I visited her in the locked ward recently as she is bipolar also and a psychologist…see they don’t all have their shit in one bucket so to speak.I used to cut too that was just a coping mechanism it will pass.being a teenager is shit so much going on but as distant road says concentrate on your future I’m now 43 I’ve learnt a few things along the way if you need advise drop me a line I hope you find your way through I’m rooting for ya…
Maybe you need some medication for anxiety shit cutting and banging head equals not coping and weed isnt the answer you dont need rehab for weed you just limit it and stop but maybe you need a bit of help from your shrink…
hee molly, im sorry about the late response. Was kind of self-absorbed again.. I sent you an email though!