my life is over. i want it to be over. i know that im not alone in all of this but no one understands. i hate having to go to bed at night wondering if ill get raped or if my nightmares will come back. i hate looking at myself in the mirror; looking at all the cuts and bruises. im tired of harming myself, but it feels so good. its the only thing i feel yet im tired of feeling it. i cant wait until this feeling passes. but that means ill be dead. maybe God will forgive me or an angel will catch me on my way down. if i commit suicide, i wont have to worry if i cry.
i just got out of long term on july 2. i was in long term for 3 months. it helped for the first week when i got out but now its way worse than before. i cut everyday multiple times, i bite myself, i scratch myself, i even burn myself. i dont know what to do. i dont want to go back to the hospital. im not crazy. i dont have a problem. i do this because i need to.
I made up my mind today. I’m going to go through with it. Tomorrow my family will wake up to find me dead. There’s no hope left for me. Thank you to everyone that has tried to talk me out of this i appreciate your efforts but it wasn’t enough. I know I have to do this. I’m not afraid. I will try tonight and hopefully my plan works. If not, I’ll keep trying but if it does, I’ll see you on the other side.
I’ve been hospitalized for suicide attempts before…I didn’t like it. I used to cut myself and didn’t care if anyone saw me do it or saw the outcome. I’ve begun to cut myself once again. I know I need help but the hard part is asking for it. I was molested by my father when I was 14. That was the hardest year of my life. I remember having to go to court on my birthday. Nothing was done with the case because there was no physical evidence so i lied and said he raped me. I wanted him to be punished for what he did. However, that didn’t help. I had to go back to court, talk to my psychologist, and face my family. It was hard. After that is when i tried to kill myself. I remember walking into the kitchen and grabbing the biggest knife I could find. I placed it against my throat and was about to slice through my flesh when my mom walked in. She immediately grabbed me from the floor and took the knife from my hands. She called my psychologist and then took me to the hospital. I was only there for six days…I don’t think it helped. As a matter of fact I know it didn’t help. It wasn’t too long after that when I became depressed again. I was on three different types of anti-depressants and none were working. So I stopped taking them. I still take meds today…when I choose to…it’s not like they help…but I feel horrible. I cry for no reason. My stomach hurts all the time, so does my head. I vomit after I eat. I’m always so cold. I have come to believe that I can’t get out of this “funk”. I just need to know that there is someone out there that can help me. I know there are others out there who feel the same way. But I don’t think I can go on any longer like this. If anyone responds, I just ask one thing. Please don’t judge me.