cyanidesofmarch

My entire life is built on escaping the past. But somehow people feel the need to dig it up and throw it in my face.

The one person who had a snail’s chance in hell of stopping my suicide is out of my life. Why? Because she dug up something I did 20 years ago, practically before she was born, and she threw it in my face. I’m so sick of being judged by people. Nobody knows what really happened, and I’m long past it. So I thought.

I will say this til my dying day (which just got closer), there is no such thing as […]

If I hear one more person tell me how lucky I am, I’m going to shoot myself in the mouth. Actually I’m going to shoot myself in the mouth anyway, so no big deal.
All my life, I’ve pretended to be something ideal, I’ve convinced myself and others that I’m a talented, good-hearted soul with a great future. And when the illusion began to wear thin, I would disappear and surface in a new city where I would do it all again.
One of my few pleasures in life is reading what my old friends say about me. They’re all looking for me, assuming I’m […]

Weird request, I know…

I’ve come to the end of my road, and now the only thing holding me back is a legal matter that should be over in a few months. The day it’s settled I can and will end my life. The question is how to endure the next few months where I have literally no point in being alive but to waste time? I don’t have enough energy or money to do anything productive with my last few days. Each day is a losing battle with the pain, both physical & emotional. So like my title says, I think I’ll start doing drugs.

Can […]

1) Work up courage to kill self

2) Kill self

3) in the event of an afterlife see (3a,3b,3c) below, if not proceed to (4)

3a) if heaven, then find god and kick his/her/its ass for creating such a crappy world. Proceed to hell (3b)

3b) if hell, then kill self again. Repeat as necessary until the end of time (go to step 4)

3c) if reincarnation, same as 3b

4) In the event of nonexistence, congratulations you win

I don’t have a lot of money, in fact if I ever checked my bank balance I’d probably see I have close to nothing. But lately I really don’t care because ill probably be dead soon enough. I haven’t cashed my last 4 paychecks, they’ve been sitting in my coat pocket for almost 2 months.  I remember reading about Wallace Carothers, inventor of nylon, who killed himself with cyanide dissolved in lemon juice… They found a drawer full of uncashed paychecks in his home. Makes sense… why bother.

i figure I’ll leave all my money (what little I have) to this girl I know. She takes […]

I’ve taken all the pills I’ve been saving in my little plastic bag. Not as many as I hoped but I still figure there’s maybe a 20% chance I won’t wake up tomorrow. Now that’s the first happy thought I’ve had in months

if i die let it be known that I neveplanned to kill myself on Christmas eve, and it’s had absolutely nothing to do with the dayBut it just so happened that I checked the mail today for the first time in weeks, and I got a letter… two actually… That sent me over the edge.

But Christmas really is a good day to die. […]

…because you are ashamed of being a human? Because you realize what a horrible, selfish, flawed species we are and you want no part of it? Or maybe  just because you realize there are close to 10 BILLION of us, eating, destroying and exterminating all other living creatures, and maybe that’s a few billion (or at least 1) too many?

I just saw the video on walmartcruelty.com and I can’t get the scene out of my head where the guy is slamming baby piglets’ brains on the concrete floor. Whthe sort of diseased species is capable of this? Capable of the Spanish Inquisition? Capable of gamg […]

I can’t stand the pain. I had thoughts of suicide long before this, for a different  reason, but now the physical pain has made it a no-brainer. It’s sad that nobody (or very few people) can understand the sheer agony I’ve been living with. When I try to explain, they just zone out. I’ve only met 1 person who has suffered from the same condition… she told me childbirth was nothing compared to this, that all she wanted to do was shoot her brains out.  She was able to get expensive surgery to fix the problem. Me, I can’t even afford the painkillers. Suicide is […]