Hazy Day Sunflower

There are days I think I will just take the rest of my meds and see what happens. So many changes. Impulse control is always an issue. Anyway hello everyone.

Here to just touch base. Haven’t been here for a long time. Intruding thought that tell me to kill myself crop up.

No idea what the fuck I’m doing with my life. My entire life has imploded and welp maybe it is for the best. Maybe finally starting the 4th quarter of my life single is best.

Maybe just not being raped and abused is best. But FFS does change have to be so hard? I go back and forth between hope and hopelessness. Hate and sorrow. Nothing to show for almost two decades. Nothing but a few trinkets and well…

Thought of just putting a gun in my mouth again. I fantasize about that way too much. It never […]

These weird habits I have. I can trace them back to where they come from, and where they come from is not the topic of the post.

The topic is “Escape Route”. I’m in the office, bathroom, kitchen…anywhere I can be cornered and I’m always looking for an escape route. Especially if someone is anywhere near me. How fast can I get out of here, where is the exit…is that window unlocked…does that window open?

The things our minds do to protect us. What a remarkable organ. Escape routes. It isn’t just physical, I look for emotional escape routes too. […]

Thinking of you friend. Wondering if you made it where you needed to be.

Are you still walking forward? do you still come here?

Much Love,

HDS

I’m about done with life right now. Done with being used sexually, emotionally, and financially. My current husband doesn’t seem to understand the word no. So I end up with bruises or traumatized. The other day I had to wear long sleeves because there was a bruise hand print on my lower arm. I had agreed to a little sex earlier in the day for that evening but just wasn’t up to it come night. I fell asleep and next thing I know he was not listening to me. I kept saying “I don’t want to, just let me go […]

I’m so lonely it is painful. 2020 has just been loss and a pit Three days out of 7 I’ve been thinking of just not existing. I’m stock piling my medicine because really what is the point. I just want a solid reboot.

Except there is no redo. No reboot. Just trudging forward.

Poured all my fucking fury into a fucking flower pic. Didn’t help at all.

What is the point of kindness when I have so much fury. Nothing changes, people are utter shit, even people I’ve known for 33 years are utter shit. This fucking world is utterly pointless.

We just exist to be used.

I am so utterly fucking lonely. Day in day out. Every fucking day of my life there is at least some amount of time when there is a black pit of loneliness in my life. This black pit I have poured just about everything I could into and the pit is endless. It never ends. Why do I just keep […]

Which is nice. I’ll leave this for folks who would just like some music.

Sand so hot on my feet.
You will never be mine.
I’ll meet you anyplace.

I’ll never find your garden.

It’s so quiet here lately. Site seems to have changed too, since there isn’t a running comments area any longer. Makes it harder to follow threads.

Change is……. right?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7xm10seU7HY

Hoping your days are gentle

Four hundred songs are quiet
As i reach to touch your hand
You the little blue bee, me a
Songbird flitting around lantana.

I have nothing tonight buy this lovely nocturne.

Love yourself.
Be Kind

ffs I’m so trashed I can’t even spell.

Got nothing tonight.

Decided to sink in a bottle of vodka.

Hazy: 0
Life: 1

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z9IODJdi3GA

Better version

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KzsSe0fKcLw

Which is just fine.