Thought id post something positive. Well idk of it’s quite positive its pretty melancholic. That said it is a beautiful song.
http://thoughtcatalog.com/brad-pike/2013/11/do-ugly-people-have-any-value-at-all-2/
I don’t know why I dwell on my perpetual dateless more than my other issues. Maybe it’s because I get reminders of it everywhere. I don’t think im ugly just an unattractive. Its the same distinction between impoverished and broke. I’ve been working out but yesterday i tweaked my back in the gym. When i went to see Deadpool I saw reminders of someone i love(d) that I will never see again. I realize that my first love is my last love because I’m too shy/scared/unattractive to find someone.
I try not to but how can that occur. Im old i missed out on life and i want to die. I try to give myself hope sometimes i even succed. But death would be better. Depression is cureless in people who have had it their entire lives. People who have had useless pain filled lives. I cant look forwards or backwards in my life without seeing pain. I cant look at my current life wit out seeing pain. Without being told by life that loneliness and depression is all i deserve and that im not good enough for more than pity maybe. Some days […]
I feel like dying right now. That doesn’t have to do with the post but its true. If there was an instant death pill I could take i would. Since that isnt available im wondering about a natural anxiety remedy. Has anyone tried ashwaghanda? If so how has it gone/worked. I worry all the damn time and the increased cortisol and anxiety eating is slowing my weight loss. How does it compare to medication?(which i have hated personally) i checked examine.com and amazon reviews and they have positive things to say about it. Im going to at least try it. Still if anyone has anything […]
And i still dont know why. I have a lot of things bothering me mind you but that is always the case. Its so odd and it happens when I’m at the gym. Its like i get the physical urge to cry more than the emotional urge. Has this happened to anyone? Googling theorizes unresolved issues or a emotional release. Either way idk what to do. I had to only do half ny workout because of it. I was going to just power through and just cry but someone else showed up.
So I have severe social anxiety and have only had one ltr which was an ldr. Im trying to lose weight and do more stuff in order to possibly meet someone special. So at work in order to destigmatize talking to women i decided to say hi how are you or some variation to every girl i could at work. I work at a huge warehouse and we all have to move really fast. So i couldn’t keep any long convos going.(good im terrible at small talk) I didn’t have a panic attack the whole time and im proud of myself. Im going to continue […]
It started when at the gym about 90 mins ago. I just got the sudden urge to cry. I was able to not do it and i could have it was empty at the time. Ive since finished my workout come home walked the dogs taken a shower and its back. Could be all of the deaths the past week. Could be seeing a recent pic of * when i considered emailing her. Could be all the “self-help” exercises ive been doing. Ut i just want to cry. I hope it doesn’t symbolize anything unless it is tears of joy for some reason. This ever […]
Was going to contact someone about something that they probably already know. Their pic popped up now i cant. I wish I could go back in time and kill myself a decade ago at least.
Should be working out instead im going to get chicken wings. I wanted to try zumba today but food. I havent pigged out like i have this week in years.
To see if Nidda will reply to the email i sent the day she attempted. Ive been checking for days. Twix isn’t going to post again. Nidda isnt going to email or post again. I feel so empty. Not only that some girl at work was killed by her boyfriend and then he killed himself. I didn’t know her but its still sad. I’ve been shoveling food down my mouth. I haven’t worked out much this week either. I dont want to […]
God if i had a method I’d join the recently departed. Im just tired of fighting for nothing. The light at the end of the tunnel is broken. I know someone here recently gpt hit by a train and survived. I believe within the next 10 to 15 years suicide will be the number one cause of death. The world is to much mentally. Humans were literally less stressed when we were being chased by bears. Think about that. When life was more primitive. I cant find the TED talk that backs that up. They compared our cortisol levels to that of tribesmen who live […]
I’m not even sure how to start. I pulled up from work crying. (And that was before I read Nidda’s post i started really bawling then) Im just defeated in this moment. I will be fired soon because of the urealistic productivity standards. Im listening to an audiobook called the Confidence Gap. Its main focus is that you cant control what thoughts pop in your head but how long they stay. Also it is irrelevant how true a thought is but how helpful one […]
That i don’t actually need. But im useless. I’ll never have a meaningful experience with a woman. Why? Part anxiety. Part social ineptitude, mostly consistent negative reinforcement. I am simply not attractive enough. When i did approach women i had to consistently risk and have panic attacks for the opportunity to put a lot of effort into someone who didnt give a quarter of a squirt of piss about me. Id get lied to or disparangingly “accepted” Occasionally id get a one off pity lay. The fuck could possibly the point. I’ve been working out for about a month and trying to diet. The fuck […]
https://youtu.be/8crXaOuJOf4
Song has just been in my head all day. I like this version better than the “official” one.
I’m angry. I’m angry and being anxious by being trapped. Angry at my traumatic meaninglessness of a life. I’m not truly suicidal or ugly just anxious. I have emotional trigger points. I have mental blocks I’m so furious at them furious at my helplessness that i channel it inwards and call it depression. I have ideas and i told someone if I’m just mediocre at half of them I’ll be a millionaire. I believe that. I just want to get the fuck out of my own way. Ive lived in pain, helplessness, and hopelessness far to fucking long. Tired of having so many exposed buttons. […]
Just tried some impromptu exposure therapy. I have pretty severe anxiety. I cant remember the last time i did something as simple as shop at multiple places without having full out or precursor panic attack. Im pretty happy so far today I went to multiple places without being anxious. Gotta take the simple small victories when you get them.
Idk how to get over it. There are times where i dont think about it. Moments where im good enough of a liar to tell myself otherwise. As Winston Churchill said of the truth “The truth is incontrovertible. Malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end, there it is.” The truth is I’m not attractive, social active, or persistent enough to find someone. I don’t know how to change that. I feel like i change every other aspect of my life except this and i feel helpless. The only advice people have is be more confident. Thats like telling […]
I’m in a fairly blissful mood atm. Its probably the chicken wings. The game is about to start. Im semi rooting for Carolina because im in South Carolina. I honestly could care less though. I just hope the Comercials aren’t annoying. I’m in a pretty zen mood. I usually post when im suicidal. I figured I’d post when I’m not. Ive been through to much not to enjoy the peaceful moments.
Trying to fight depression and fatigue. I’ve been taking ephedrine and caffeine to lose weight. It is helping but a side effect is fucked up sleep. I work in a few hours at a job i can’t do and will be fired from soon. I haven’t put in other applications or done anything with my business (web design I’ve only got 2 clients in the past year) or potential businesses i want to start (game/app design, and t-shirt company). Im just moping on my […]
We are not the only ones who feel how we feel. Hes someone i watched growing up and he died how i wanted to die 3 hours away from where i now live its crazy to think.
May you find the peace in death you couldnt find in life. If heaven exists im sure there is a halfpipe.